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Truth or Dare: Legend of Zelda
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:51 pm
Truth or Dare: Legend of Zelda
Hello all, and welcome to my first story: Truth or Dare- Legend of Zelda! (Note: I'll be referring to myself as Author for this story)
-random audience breaks out in rapturous applause-
Fangirl #1: WE LOVE YOU, AUTHOR DUDE!
Fangirl #2: I WANNA HAVE YOUR BABIES!
Author: -speaking into a microphone- Security, we have a Code F breach in the audience, clear out all perpetrators and report back when ready.
Security: YOU HEARD THE KID! WE HAVE A CODE F! GO, GO, GO! -clear out the entire audience-
Author:…You guys are idiots.
Xalin: Dude, you're the one who hired them.
Author: Jackass. -turns to the reader- Allow me to introduce my OC and this story's other jackass that isn't me, Xalin. Say hello, Xalin.
Xalin: Hello, Xalin.
Author: Xalin is a Leo, he loves surfing, enjoys spending long periods of time in his armory, he has a thing for sharp weaponry, and has never been laid. -ducks underneath a flying machete-
Author: Bite me. Anyways, hopefully you know how truth or dare fics work. You submit truth and dare requests in your reviews to me, I read them, and I work my bastardized magic on the cast.
Xalin: Speaking of which….-pulls a mysterious lever which warps the entire cast of the LoZ games into the studio-
Link: Hey, this isn't the Whack-A-Mole tournament…
Ganondorf: Huh? Where am I? This isn't mommy's kitchen…She was making condor tonight!
Ruto: Huh? This isn't the kissing booth Link was standing by…-sees Link- HUNNY-BUNZ! body slams Link
Link: OH SH!T, THIS IS A TRUTH-OR-DARE FIC! SCATTER!
Author: Such fools….-pulls another mysterious lever, activating the impenetrable electric force field-
Ruto: -leaps for the exit just as the force field goes up- BZZZZTT -faints-
Author: NOW, YOU'LL ALL DO AS I SAY, OR ELSE SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL PERSONALLY CUT OFF EACH ONE OF YOUR TOES WITH A BAYONET, FORCE FEED YOUR SEVERED APPENDEGES TO YOU, THEN CARVE OUT YOUR EYEBALLS AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR NOSE, AND CUT OUT YOUR INTESTINES AND SHOVE THEM DOWN YOUR THROAT UNTIL YOU SLOWLY SUFFOCATE ON YOUR OWN BLOOD AND BODYPARTS!
Everyone but Xalin: -shuts up and stays still-
Author: Good -happy mode-…Now then, everyone make sure to send lots of reviews, as those are what keep this fic going!
Xalin: And if you don't , we'll make good on those death threats mentioned above.
A/N: Alright, a few things to say. First, I'll be putting up a physical description of Xalin as soon as I can, so be patient on that end.
Second, no, you can't see what I look like. I'll just say, brown hair, medium length, brown eyes. THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GETTING.
Third, I'll try to get chapters up as quickly as possible, but I have cousins to visit over the next week or so, so be patient on that front as well.
And lastly, Xalin is an OC. Therefore, he is part of my imagination. So if any yaoi-hungry fangirls come in here screaming that I have to kiss him, I'm only going to kiss my hand. Just to discourage any yaoi-hungry fangirls from doing just that.
Alright, 'till next time. -starts shooting at everyone with an airsoft gun-
(A/N: I'll be posting the chapters of my fic on FF.net and here as insurance as they come out. For now, though, I'll post all the chapters I've created on here. Have fun reading them, but please note:
UNLESS MY STORY ON FF.NET GETS DELETED, I WON'T TAKE DARES FROM THIS SITE. SO PLEASE, UNLESS I SAY SO, DON'T POST ANY DARES. THEY WILL GO UNANSWERED, AND YOU WILL BE ATTACKED BY NINJAS IN THE NIGHT.
Alright, now that that's out of the way, have fun reading!)
|Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:55 pm
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:51 pm
Re: Truth or Dare: Legend of Zelda
Author: -listening to some music before the chapter to get psyched-
Xalin: -walks in- Dude, is this that song, "Sultans of Swing"?
Author: Hell yeah, man. Rock and roll kicks ass, aside from that punk bulls.
Xalin: True words, man. Here, you got some dares. -hands Author a few slips of paper with some reviews and dares on them- Plus, you got a message from someone who forgot to put his/her dares in. -hands me a PM-
Author: Oh man, seriously? I…I feel so…loved! -happy dance-
Xalin: -anime style sweatdrop- Dude, what the hell are you smoking? And where can I get some?
Author: Uhh…Forget it, man. Let's just get this chapter started.
Author: Woo! We've got a great show for you today, everybody! -shoots off some roman candles while running around the studio-
Midna: Uhh, author, this ISN'T A TV SHOW! -grabs a bucket of water and shoves it over my head-
Author: You're gonna regret that. Ooh-ho-ho, you are SO gonna regret that! -pulls out a BIG FIN' GUN 9001-
Everyone but Xalin: HOLY S!
Xalin: Dude, temper tantrums. Not good for your health.
Author: F off, dude. Let's just get the dares started! WOO! -happy again-
To save everyone from dying that extremely gruesome death you described, I'm reviewing. (though I won't mind one bit if you still go through with that threat, just as long as Ruto is killed that way!)(evil scientist laugh)WARNING: Prepare for plenty of Navi bashing ahead!
Tingle: Fight Navi to the death! What will you choose, life or your love of fairies? (another evil scientist laugh)
Everyone: Make your bets on who wins the Tingle/Navi fight!
Great Deku Tree: Why, of all the fairies in the forest, did you choose Navi to accompany Link? Didn't you realize that it only made Link's quest harder?
Ganon: When you sealed away Navi during your fight against Link, why didn't you just kill Navi? You would have made so many more fans of you if you had done that!
Link & Dark Link: (throws them both to a group of yaoi fangirls in the audience) Let's see what happens!
Author: Yay! NAVI BASHING! -grabs a big stick and whacks Navi around-
Navi: What the hell is your problem, man?
Author: I thought candy would come out….T.T… I WANTS MY CANDY! -whacks Navi again, but more brutally-…Ahh, I feel better. And this candy tastes great! -takes a big bite out of Navi's stomach-
Zelda: -throws up all over Ganondorf-
Author: Anyways, the dares…Oh crap….AUTHOR POWERS! -brings Navi back to life, with organs intact- Hey, annoying fairy, you've gotta fight Tingle to the death.
Tingle: Guhh…..I…I must fight….a….a FAIRY?
Author: Yep. Good luck with that inner struggle. -pulls a lever, dropping both combatants into a caged arena- PLACE YOUR BETS HERE, PLACE YOUR BETS ON THE MATCH OF THE MINUTE!
Ruto: I'm gonna—
Author: Shaddup, b. -pimp slaps Ruto-
Xalin: -in a referee outfit- In the blue corner, we've got the annoyance of the century, the terror to many an adventurer's eardrums, the flying b among flying bes, NAVI!
Navi: F off, Xalin.
Xalin: Whatever. And in the red corner, we've got some creepy 35-year old freak in spandex. He's good with charts, holds his brothers in slavery, and is a renowned pedophile, it's TINGLE!
Tingle: -in the fetal position- No….I must not kill a fairy…But if I die here…I will never become a fairy…AAH! I'M TORN APART!
Navi: Well then, this'll make things easier. -gets decked out in full samurai gear and FS TINGLE UP-
Zelda: Oh Goddesses, this is terrible!
Ganondorf and Link: Who cares? -eat some popcorn and film the bloodbath-
Author: -joins Ganondorf and Link in filming the bloodbath- Jackattack, here's a copy. -hands jackattack a DVD- In fact, how about videos for EVERYBODY! -gives everyone a DVD of the fight-
Great Deku: I did not realize that Navi was annoying, as I am deaf. Also, it made it very convenient that Link was a mute.
Author: Alright, I'm bored. -burns Great Deku Tree- WHEE! FIIIIYYAAAAHH!
Ganondorf: You know….I really don't know. Maybe it's just that I DIDN'T KNOW WHO SHE WAS!
Xalin: That's a good reason.
Link and Dark: SWEET GOD! -drown in a sea of yaoi-fangirls-
Xalin: Oh man, that's harsh!
Darunia: I'm shocked.
Author: I'm scarred.
Zelda: I'm turned on.
Author: o.0 -looks over at Zelda-
Zelda: Err, I mean…I'm disturbed.
Author: Creepy fetishes aside, let's just get to the next dares.
Cool! It's nice to see that you're making one! enough chit chat, on to buisness
Link: Dress like a girl and go into an all gay guys club and try to make out with one...
Zelda: GO throw yourself into a lava pit! (If you can tell I don't like you)
Dark: Kiss Ruto and then throw her at Link.
These are all stupid and I want you to know... I DON'T CARE!
Author: Thank you. I'm touched. -bows-
Xalin: Ladies' man. Niiiice.
Author: Shaddup. -shoots Xalin in the foot- Oh, and the dumber the dares, the better! As long as they entertain me!
Link: -reads dare- Wait….WHA?
Author: And I thought you'd be used to this by now. -shoves Link into a dressing room with Zelda, Malon, Ilia, and Midna-
All: -come out with Link in a dress with make-up on-
Author: Niiice. AUTHOR POWERS! -transports Link to an all gay-guys bar- Goddesses, I love my author powers.
Link: Ehh…-approaches a guy and says, in a girly voice- Hey mister, how about we go to a nice, quiet place and…-gag- make out?
Random Guy: Hmm….Her manicure…..Wait, she doesn't have one! TRANNY!
Random Guy #2: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REACT!
-ENTIRE BAR EXPLODES-
Link: WHAAAAAA! -crashes through the roof, in his usual clothes-
Author: Sounds like you had fun.
Zelda: -reads dare- Huh? But your name says "Zeldafan"!
Author: She means the series, not you. AUTHOR POWERS! -transports Zelda directly over a volcano-
Zelda: EEEYAAAAAAAAGGHH! -dies-
Author: Ouch…..Especially at Dark's dare.
Dark: -reads- WHAT? HELL NO! I refuse!
Author: Too bad, bub. AUTHOR POWERS! -hypnotizes Dark-
Dark: -makes out with Ruto, throws her at Link, and runs-
Ruto: -lands on Link in a very suggestive position-
Xalin: -cough, cough- Err, this is awkward…To say the least
Author: I'll say. NEXT DARES! WOOOO!
Oh my gosh! Another truth or dare fic! I love these!
What's this? No dares for my Ganondorf yet? ...That'll never do!
Ganondorf, I dare you to dress up as a tea pot, and sing the 'I'm a Little Teapot' song...in the anti-teapot club! (Yes, I made that up...)
And Link...when are you going to pick out a different outift? You wear the same thing in every game! The hat was cute the first few times, but now it's just boring!
Ganondorf: No. Just…No. There isn't even an anti-teapot club.
Author: There is now. -points to the anti-teapot club across the street, filled with gangbangers and murderous druggies-
Ganondorf: Lemme guess, author powers?
Author: Author powers. -hypnotizes Ganondorf to perform the dare-
Ganondorf: I'm a little teapot, short and st—SWEET JESUS! -gets fing RAPED UP THE BUM-
Ilia and Malon: Dear God, that's just wrong.
Author: Talk about overkill. NEXT DARES! WOOO!
Author- You guys are idiots...
That sounds familiar!
I liked reading this, and I'm happy you discourage yaoi... (HATE! HATE! HATE! Erm erm... anyway...) Nice way to tke care of things:
Author: NOW, YOU'LL ALL DO AS I SAY, OR ELSE SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL PERSONALLY CUT OFF EACH ONE OF YOUR TOES WITH A BAYONET, FORCE FEED YOUR SEVERED APPENDEGES TO YOU, THEN CARVE OUT YOUR EYEBALLS AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR NOSE, AND CUT OUT YOUR INTESTINES AND SHOVE THEM DOWN YOUR THROAT UNTIL YOU SLOWLY SUFFOCATE ON YOUR OWN BLOOD AND BODYPARTS!
Ah, crap! Sorry, I forgot to add my "dare" to your truth or dare fic...
(Ahha, I'm stupid like that XD)
Link Love up on Ruto, cuz we all know ya hate her...
Ganondorf Go head to head with majora in a cooking contest... Muwahahahahha!
Ruto Say "I Hate Link" because you'll probably struggle with that...
I think that's all I have for now, sorry its lame. X3
Author: I'm pretty sure we can manage that.
Link: -reads dare- Oh Goddesses, I HATE these dares!
Ruto: I LOVE THEM! -makes out passionately with Link-
Malon, Ilia, Midna, and Zelda: -all watch, seething with anger-
Ganondorf: Good Goddesses, man, I'll get destroyed! Majora is THE original Iron Chef!
Majora: It's one of my little passions in life. -serves the greatest sushi the world has ever known-
Ganondorf: I must do my very best! For my honor as the greatest Gerudo chef the world has ever known! -serves the greatest pizza the world has ever known-
Author: You both win. I need time alone with the delicious food of deliciousness. -steals food and runs-
Ruto: But…But I love him! HE'S MY LITTLE HUNNY-BUNS!
Link: -grabs Ruto's jaw and moves it up and down to make it look like she's talking- I hate Link.
Author: That was fast. NEXT DARE! WOO!
Alright! Another one! this is the tired one today! I might not have dares left! Wait, I have alot stored up...
I dare Malon and Illia to go to an Horse beauty pageant and they have to boo every horse untill they get kicked out
I dare Link to make out with Ruto untill she gets pregent
I dare Zelda to inturept Link and Ruto if they are failing badly and frow Ruto of an 100 story building and Zelda lay in bed with Link
I dare Midna to go be the crap out of Navi, and Navi can't come back alive!
I dare Tetra and Toon Link to makeout in fornt of everyone
I dare Sheik, since Zelda and Sheik are the same person... to strip in front of the guys
I dare Tingle to make out with Vatti
And the last one: I dare Link to take off all of the girls clotehs and run, and that involes you too Toon Link!
Peace! - OttoMonkey
Author: Cool, I don't have to type your name in. Thanks for saving me time. Now then…-shoves Malon and Ilia into a horse pageant-
Malon: I really don't want to do this.
Ilia: We don't have a choice. Did you see the size of his BIG FIN' GUN 9001? It's big!
Malon: -sighs- Then I guess we have no choice.
Both: -boo every horse until everyone gets so pissed that they have the horses trample them-
Malon: I think I'd rather get shot by the BIG FIN' GUN 9001….
Author: Since it's physically impossible to impregnate somebody by making out with them, that dare and the one after it are declared null and void.
Midna: Woo! I get to beat up Navi! -rips Navi apart with the Fused Shadows-
Author: Sorry, but she's gotta come back to life.
Navi: WHY SO MUCH NAVI HATE?
Author: Because you're whiny. -whacks Navi-
Toon Link: -reads dare- YES! Finally, I have a reason! -makes out with Tetra-
Tetra: -at first is shocked, then likes it-
Author: Aww, how sweet. NEXT! -pulls a lever-
-an anvil drops on both of them-
Author: What? They're cartoons. They can take it.
Toon Link and Tetra: -both spring up like accordians-
Author: I refuse to write about that last dare.
Author: I HAVE BAD MEMORIES OF SHIEK GENDER DEBATES! -eye twitch-
Vaati: -reads dare- Dear Goddesses, no…
Tingle: -leaps on to Vaati's shoulders and begins making out with him-
Author: -pulls a curtain up around the two-
Link, Toon Link, and Dark: -all read dare-…
Dark: I don't know how to react…Or if I should react at all.
Author: DO IT! -hypnotizes them all into performing the dare-
Link and Dark: -both remove girls tops with skillful sword swipes-
Toon Link: -uses his tiny stature and his Grappling Hook to remove girls bottoms-
All the girls: -completely exposed, but behind a curtain in case of underaged readers that don't pay attention to ratings-
Author: All right, everyone, nothing to see here.
All the guys: Aww, f! -slowly slump back to their seats, with cameras in tow-
Ganondorf: Dammit, I need to get some pictures in for that site!
Author: Is it run by the mob?
Ganondorf: No, but—
Author: Then you're fine.
A/N: Well, that's it for my first real chapter of this fic. Woo! listens to The Police to celebrate
I got my profile of Xalin up, which I may update as I see fit.
Just please make sure to read and review, as your reviews are necessary to me.
Finally, in order to set myself apart from the other LoZ Truth or Dare fics on this site, I shall hold chapterly lyrical contests. I will post a few lines of the lyrics of a song, and you can name the song if you so choose. If nobody gets it by the time I post the next chapter, I will give the answer and laugh at all your faces. If somebody does get it, then they….get it right, and get bragging rights. Whoop-de-freakin'-do. Still, I'm hoping that you as participants in this little game of mine can have fun doing this; just make sure to put your answer in either the beginning or end of the dare, otherwise I'll miss it. So, here's today's first contest!
I know it's hard to keep an open heart,
When even friends seem out to harm you.
But if you can heal a broken heart,
Wouldn't time be out to charm you?
Well, have fun reviewing, making dares, and figuring out what song those lyrics are fun. I'm going to light something on fire….And eat this pizza and sushi. -shoves food down throat, and lights Tingle on fire-)
MORE A/N: Forgot to mention, don't respond to my lyric games unless I say so either. In fact, don't respond to anything. The responses will go unnoticed, and you shall go without cookies even if you get the answer right. Also, please excuse FF.net's autocensor for this chapter. It doesn't happen again.
|Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:58 pm
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:51 pm
Re: Truth or Dare: Legend of Zelda
Xalin: Hey, annoying guy. You've got some more reviews. –hands me more reviews-
Author: Shaddup, I'm trying to watch The Daily Show!
Xalin: Too bad. -chops the TV in half, then drags me out to the studio-
Author: -throws a huge tantrum-
Author: -still throwing a huge tantrum when we arrive-
Midna: What's his problem?
Xalin: I chopped his TV in half and dragged him here.
Author: I'M MISSING OUT ON MY DAILY INTAKE OF JON STEWART!
Xalin: Calm down, man. I told you before that temper tantrums are bad for your health, dude.
Author:…Fine…I'll stop throwing a tantrum for now…If YOU don't smoke pot before the chapters!
Xalin: I wasn't, but…Dude…I think I see little faces on my fingers…They're talking about…Ganondorf. This is totally freaking me out, maaaaaan!
Ganondorf: What're they saying? Is it anything bad? IS IT? I know it is! I'LL KILL THEM! –tries to strangle Xalin's fingers-
Link: -separates the two, then puts Ganondorf in the timeout corner-
Author: Whatever, let's just get these dares started!
I dare Link to make babies with Zelda
I dare Navi to shut up for an entire day
I dare Tingle to give up on becoming a fairie(which will most likely have him !)
I dare Ruto to leave Link alone for the entire chapter.
I dare toon Link to,ehem, do stuff with Tetra, and then run away from Tetras overprotective father.
I then dare YOU author, to JUGGLE SIX BOWLING BALLS, WHILE KICKING XALIN IN THE FACE!
And my last dare, I dare Xalin to go on a pantie raid with Malon.
Link: -reads dare, blushing intensely- Ehh…Do I have to?
Zelda: Do you have to what? –reads dare, and blushes intensely as well- Oh…Wow…This is awkward…
Author: You bet your sorry ass it is. Now, in you go! –throws Link and Zelda in a bedroom and locks the door-
Midna: Are you really going to make them go through with the entire thing? They aren't even old enough, I don't think.
Author: Nah, I'm not that much of a jackass. Just wait until they're done. Until then, let's do some other dares. Navi, you have to shut up for an entire day.
Navi: Really? Why?
Author: YOU FAILED THE DARE, DUMB BITCH! -beats Navi with a nightstick-
-10 minutes later—
Xalin: I see your 50, and raise you 150.
Navi: Dammit, he called my bluff! –shows an empty hand-
Xalin: Haha! I am LOVING this game! –pushes all the money towards him-
Author: Shaddup, you two, they're coming out.
Link: Alright, I'm outta here. –runs for his life-
Zelda: No! Link, please, help me with this!
Author: You don't even know if you're pregnant yet. –uses AUTHOR POWERS to check for pregnancy- You're...pregnant.
Zelda: REALLY? But…But I'm not sure if I want it…
Author: No problem...CAPTAIN, you've got a patient!
Captain Falcon: -drives straight through the wall and jumps out of his racer- Hey, everyone. Hey, Dad.
Ganondorf: Hello, son.
Midna: OMFG ITS CAPTAIN FALCON! –faints from manliness overload-
Everyone but Zelda, Xalin, Ganondorf, and Author: -also faint from manliness overload-
Captain Falcon: –looks over and sees Zelda- Oh God, her? Again? COME ON! I showed Link my moves so that he could take care of things like this himself!
Author: Maybe so, but this time, it's his.
Captain Falcon: Really? Ouch…What, was it a dare?
Captain Falcon: Oh. Well then, I suppose I could take care of it…But as payment, I'll need 50.
Author: All right, deal. -gives Captain Falcon 50-
Captain Falcon: Good, now then…FALCONE….
-PAUNCH'es Zelda in her uterus, giving her an abortion-
Zelda: OH GODDESSES, NOT AGAIN! –faints-
Author: Nice. All right, Link, you can come back out.
Link: Cool. Thanks, Falcon.
Captain Falcon: No problem kid. And now, I'm off! –pelvic thrusts the ground, causing him to fly straight through the ceiling-
Author: Sweet, he left the Blue Falcon! JOYRIDE!
Xalin: Not now, man, you've got a chapter to finish.
Author: Aw, fuck…Next dare. Tingle, you must give up on becoming a fairy.
Tingle: -wakes up upon hearing his dare- …Not….com…pute…..-his head explodes in a shower of blood and machinery-
Author: Wow, he's been a cyborg this entire time. Cool. Also, that dare with Ruto won't happen.
Link: WHAT? WHYYYYYYY? –nearly breaks down into tears-
Author: Because I'm a jackass. NEXT DARE!
Toon Link: -reads dare as his eyes widen more and more- Uhh….You know I'm only 12 years old, right? And that Tetra doesn't even have a father, right?
Author: Until now. AUTHOR POWERS!
Tetra's Father: Tetra, don't eat that food, you'll get food poisoning! Tetra, don't go swimming, you'll get a cramp! Tetra, don't walk around, you'll trip!
Author: Besides, whatever makes the reviewer happy! –throws Toon Link on top of Tetra-
Toon Link: -lands on Tetra in a very suggestive pose-
Tetra's Father: Tetra, don't go outside, you'll get struck by lighting even though it's a perfectly clear day! Tetra, don't-…-sees Toon Link-…I KILL YOU! –grabs a shovel and goes crazy-
Midna (who has woken up by now, along with everyone else): Oh, wow…That's just going overboard.
Author: Agreed. NEXT DARE!...-reads dare- FINALLY, someone dares ME! AUTHOR POWERS! –uses AUTHOR POWERS to levitate in front of Xalin and juggle bowling balls while kicking Xalin in the face, then drops the bowling balls on Xalin's head-
Xalin: Not cool, man…-reads dare- A PANTY RAID! WOOOO!
Malon: With HIM? Do I have to?
Xalin: You know you want to, baby.
Author: Get the hell outta here, you wannabe Casanova. AUTHOR POWERS! –warps Malon and Xalin to a random house in Castle Town-
Malon and Xalin: -come back 5 minutes later with loads of underwear-
Author: Who's house was that, anyways?
Malon: Don't know, don't care.
Author: All right, whatever.
ZOMG, I think I know that song! (starts thinking to a point of explosion) Crap... Never mind, brain dead now, sorry.
Ok... More dares!
Dark Link: Admit to the world that, because you're the total opposite of Link, you're either gay, or a girl.
Link: Admit your wearing tights, that's the first step to solving a problem.
Zelda: Go on a lovely date with ganondorf... Oi, I already feel sorry for ya... Not!
And just because I'd love to see Oni come into play, we might as well have him, we could have him do a run and stick. (Basically where the person runs wearing a velcro suit and runs into a velcro wall... I've been watching too much Japanese gameshows and Wipeout. XD)
Dark Link: I'm not gay, nor a girl. I am a gay girl!
Author: Holy shit, Dark is lesbian!
Dark: Not really, I just felt like amusing myself by seeing a surprised look on your face.
Author: Not cool, jackass. -cuts off Dark's arm at the elbow and shoves it up his ass-
Link: They're leggings!
Author: You just got Looney-Tunes OWNED! FUCK YES!
Zelda: -reads dare- WHAT? No! I refuse!
Ganondorf: Come on, baby, you know you want a piece of the Ganon-ator.
Zelda: In your dreams, freak.
Author: Too bad, bitch. AUTHOR POWERS! –hypnotizes Zelda to go out on a romantic date with Ganondorf, which eventually leads to a "happy ending"-
Zelda: So….Unclean…-takes a cold shower and burns her clothes-
Author: Sweet, we get to bring Oni on the show? As in, YOUR Oni? AWESOME! -brings in Oni from shortslover's stories-
Oni: Huh? Where am I? I remember hitting on Kari just two seconds ago, but now…-sees Midna and starts staring and drooling a bit- Hello, beautiful.
Midna: -backs away slowly-
Author: -grabs Oni by the collar- Not so fast, lover boy. You've gotta do a quick little dare right now. –shoves Oni into a Velcro suit-
Oni: What's this about? I wanna hit on the blue-skinned girl over there…
Author: No. Now, run into that wall over there and stick to it, and you can hit on her all you'd like.
Oni: YAY! -runs and sticks to a Velcro-covered wall- Huh? I….I can't...move! –wriggles around, trying to break free-
Author: Yeah, I know. Now you get warped back to your world. See ya!
Oni: Mean, mean, mean! –dissappears-
Midna: That was disturbing.
Author: Hell yeah. NEXT DARES!
Lmao!Time for some more fun!
Navi: What did you do during all of the time you had to spend under Link's hat in OoT?
Link: Why is it that while you beat Ganondorf all the time in the Legend of Zelda games, Ganondorf is way better than you in Super Smash Bros. Melee?
Morpha (Water Temple Boss): Is it true that you're made of liquid Jell-O? If not, what are you made of because it's definitely not water! (Morpha glows too much and is way too shiny/bubbly to be water!)
Zant: In TP, if you're really Ganon's court jester and not the king, then why didn't you tell more jokes? Jesters are supposed to be funny!
(Fangirls start climbing on stage) Oh S! (Everyone starts running) Wait! I have an idea as to how to stop these fangirls!(Everyone stops) We just need the fangirls to start fighting amongst themselves so they stop going after us! And I've got the perfect question to get them fighting each other...
To all of the fangirls in the audience: WHO IS THE BEST BISHIE EVER?
Navi: Me? I mostly just pleasured mys…I mean, I thought of all our past adventures…and stuff…yeah, that's it.
Link:…–slowly removes hat and touches his hair and finds it to be rather sticky-
Malon: That is deeply disturbing.
Link: -still shocked from the hair thing- Well…I'm really not…sure…
Ganondorf: I can answer that. It's because I was, and still am, a clone of Captain Falcon in the Smash Brothers universe. Also, I'm Captain Falcon's father.
Captain Falcon: YES!
Morpha: I am made of mercury. Link, you might want to get yourself tested for cancer or something.
Link: AHH! BAD MEMORIES OF THE WATER TEMPLE! –fetal position-
Zant: Well, there are two different kinds of jesters. There's the funny, entertaining jester, and there's the demented, evil, twisted jester. I'm one of the demented, evil, twisted jesters.
Author: Demented, evil, twisted jesters KICK ASS! WOOOOOOO!
-massive argument breaks out among the fangirls-
Fangirl #1: It's obviously Link!
Fangirl #2: No, it's totally Sephiroth!
Fangirl #3: You're both wrong! It's Squall!
Author: Oh dear sweet God…..-talking in a walkie talkie- Security, we have a MASSIVE Code F on our hands. Repeat, MASSIVE Code F. CLEAR OUT THE ATTACK.
Security: YOU HEARD THE MAN! MASSIVE CODE F HERE! GO, GO, GO!
-sweep out the audience-
Author: Thank God that's over, right Xalin…Xalin?
Xalin: -making out with Malon-...What can I say? She's got good taste...And a good tongue.
A/N: Woo! Another chapter done!
First, the answer to last chapters lyric game was November Rain by Guns N' Roses. That one was a bit hard, so I can't blame you guys for not getting it.
Next, the new lyrics are:
Mama, just killed a man,
Put my gun against his head,
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead.
Life had just begun,
But now I've gone and thrown it all away.
This one should be pretty easy if you know classic rock.
Also, cookies to whoever can spot all the references to Captain Falcon in this chapter, as well as an extra-large cookie for whoever can supply the deviantART link to the picture that I'm referencing.
And, finally, don't forget to read and review, as reviews are my precious….es...
Now, if you'll excuse me...-JOYRIDE IN THE BLUE FALCON!-
|Tue Jun 08, 2010 6:00 pm
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:51 pm
Re: Truth or Dare: Legend of Zelda
Author: HEY XAAAAAALIIIIIIIIN! We've got a chapter to write, man! –barges into Xalin's room-
Xalin: -is fondling his weaponry in a very questionable manner- All right, my dearies, Daddy has to go to work. Be good, and Markus, no more picking on Will, okay? Be nice, everyone.
Author: Dude…Seriously, where's the pot, and why haven't you let me have a cut?
Xalin: I'm not smoking anything!
Author: You've never done drugs? AND YET YOU FONDLE YOUR WEAPONS LIKE THEY'RE YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN?
Xalin: Dude, you created me. Think about it.
Author:….Touché, annoying jackass. Let's just get going before I use one of your babies to slit your throat.
Author: So, anything happen while we were gone?
Author:…You're no fun. Make something up, at the very least!
Ilia: If you can't think of anything, then just get to the dares!
Author: Good call, I guess.
Poor Link... Ew... I believe you got my Oni's personality down right on the dot! He definitely do that... X3 So that's how they do abortions in games... Huh? XD
I know the song! Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen! New dares:
Giant gladiator toothpick fighting tournament! (Didn't know what to call it...)
This dare might actually be fun for you, author dude, I dare you to burn the fan girls in the audience with a blowtorch!
Somehow, revive the fangirls- author powers?- and throw Xalin to them... Muwhahahaha!
Link, dress up like a giant chicken, do the chicken dance, and then lay an egg... Somehow...?
Author: Thanks, I thought so as well. It almost fits, pairing a supernatural being with a deity. I hope you don't mind my bringing him in the story every once in a while.
Midna: But….But…He's creepy…And he flirts with me too much…-huddles up in a corner-
Author: Yeah, that's how abortions are done in the video game world.
Zelda: My uterus is still crying in pain.
Author: Suck it up. And congratulations on being the very first to win my one of my little lyric games. As a reward, you get a cookie.
Ganondorf: Did somebody say…
Link: "Giant gladiator toothpick fighting tournament"?
Author: Normally, I would be too lazy to write something like this, but it sounds like fun to write about….But….Laziness….Overtaking….-slams the montage button-
-one "Eye of the Tiger" play through and several matches later-
Author: Jesus, I thought that song would never end. –grabs a microphone- Welcome, one and all, to the finals of the Giant Gladiator Toothpick Fighting Tournament! The matches have been long-fought, but finally, it all comes down to two lone competitors: Xalin, the weapon-loving jackass; And Navi, the annoying fairy that pleasures herself with Link's hair!...Wait…NAVI? WHAT THE FUUUUUUCCKKKK?
Malon: I still can't get over how that annoying blue ball managed to defeat Zant in the quarterfinals, and Link in the semi-finals!
Ruto: Yeah, but Xalin was merciless! He practically destroyed Midna in the quarterfinals, and then just went overboard on Ganondorf in the semi-finals! The referee had to break them up to keep Ganondorf from dying!
Ganondorf: I hate how this bastard took away my Triforce of Power! If I had it, I would have completely annihilated everyone and everything!
Author: -looks down at the back of my left hand to grin mischievously at the Triforces of Power and Courage glowing on them- Hehehe….Like taking candy from a baby.
Referee: All right, let's get this started! 3…2…1….FIGHT!
Navi: -is completely decked out in full samurai gear, with a giant toothpick floating around-
Xalin: -breaks his giant toothpick in half for a dual-toothpick weapon, then grabs a spare giant toothpick and puts it in his mouth-
Navi: -charges Xalin head-on-
Xalin: -takes up a defensive position-
-one super-awesome and ultra ridiculously cool fight scene that would put many anime fight scenes to shame later-
Referee: The winner of this match is…NAVIIIIII!
Xalin: Pretty good, annoying blue ant.
Author: I can't believe how awesome that fight was! I got a freakin' nose bleed from the awesomeness!
Ganondorf: I pissed my pants from the action!
Navi: -goes to pick up her awesome, huge, toothpick-shaped trophy-
Author: All right, back to dares….God, that was awesome. –reads dare- OH SWEET JESUS, YES! THANK YOU! –grabs a fucking giant flamethrower and lets loose-
Ilia: Mmm…Smells like somebody's BBQ'ing chicken. –looks out to see a massive firestorm of fangirls-….Woooww….
Ganondorf: Ahhh…I love the sight of fangirls burning apart.
Xalin: It just warms your heart, doesn't it?
Author: AUTHOR POWERS! –puts out the fire and revives the fangirls-
Xalin: WHAT THE HELL, MAN?
Author: -shows Xalin his dare, then grabs him and throws him out into the army-
Xalin: AAAAAGHH! MALON! MIDNA! AUTHOR! SOMEBODY! HEEEELLLPP MEEEEEEEE! –slowly drowns amidst a sea of fangirls, which slowly dissipates, leaving a bloodied, mangled, corpse-
Author: Ouch…Link, you've gotta lay an egg.
Link: What? –reads dare- Oh Goddesses, no…
Malon: -shoves a chicken suit over Link's head-
Midna: -turns on the chicken dance song-
Link: Aww, man…-does the chicken dance, then manages to squeeze out an egg-
Author: Finally, next dares. Damn, I'm lazy…Oh well, ONWARDS TO REVIEWS!
WO! Time to find some more answers!
Midna:(T) Why is it that you are the only character in TP that the player can actually hear speaking? Most other character just make an occasional grunting sound!
Author:(D) Bring in Riku from Kindom Hearts and have him use his dark keyblade to stab Link and Ganondorf! I'm curious to see what Link and Ganon's nobodies look like!
Fangirls:(T) Who do you like better, Link's nobody or Ganondorf's nobody?
Midna:(T) What are you like when you are drunk? Are you an attention-getting drunk, an idea drunk, an emotional drunk, or what? (hands Midna a six-pack) Show us!
Midna: I'm not really sure. Maybe it was just to make it obvious that I wasn't an average being in the world of Hyrule. At least, that's what it seems like to me.
Author: I was hoping I wouldn't have to bring in too many characters from outside video game sources, but I can manage this, with my…AUTHOR POWERS! –steals KH 1 Riku's dark Keyblade- BTW, I think KH is a great series…Too bad I'm not sure I'll be able to get the next one…But I digress!
Xalin: -ties Link and Ganondorf against a wall-
Author: Relax…This won't hurt a bit! –stabs Link, then quickly switches over to Ganondorf-
Link's Nobody: -is wearing a black cloak like Xalin's, has green eyes, and a mullet that was ripped right out of the 1980s-
Ganondorf's Nobody: -is also wearing a black cloak, has red, bloodshot red eyes, and blood red cornrows-
Xalin: Huh…So, that's where I got the black cloak? From Organization XIII?
Author: Yeah, but it's mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with a proper outfit. ALL RIGHT, FANGIRLS. WHICH NOBODY DO YOU LOVE MORE? KLINX, OR XANGONFORD?
Fangirls: -too busy ogling Xalin to look at the new Nobodies-
Xalin: Aww, come on! Why do I have to be so damned good looking?
Author: Whatever. Next dare. –kills Klinx and Xangonford-
Midna: -reads dare- Ehhh….Do you guys really have to find out what kind of drunk I am…?
Author: You seem hesitant. LET'S GET HER AND HAVE HER CHUG! –has Midna chug the entire 6-pack-
Midna: -hic- I feel…funny…-hic- -eyes Ganondorf- Hey there…big…guy…You wanna get…-hic-…freaky…? –barfs-
Link: Holy crap, she's a put-out drunk!
?: DID SOMEBODY SAY "PUT-OUT"?
Author: Who the-….Aww, crap, not him…
Oni: -bursts through the wall, sweeps Midna off her feet, and flies away to a hotel room-
Author:…It's a good thing she doesn't have anymore dares. We'll leave her until tomorrow.
Malon: How the hell do I survive these things?
Author: Nobody knows, dear. NEXT DARES!
It's Bohemian Rhapsody
and its also time for more dares.
I dare Xalin to not womanize anybody the entire chapter.
I dare Navi to make out with Midna for, oh let's say, the whole chapter.
I dare Link to choose one of the woman from the zelda series for his bride.
I dare Zelda to nueter Ganondork.
I dare Auther to put me in the story for the rest of the story. BTW I am a sadistic bastard, I have evil humor(i find hurting defensless animals horrible though) and I love eating Daedra hearts,(random info, love wolfs, am a vampire, and I am the most powerful person in ES4:Oblivion, the listener of the black hand) for info, search Elder Scrolls.(most of the stuff i just said came from a six hour elder scroll gaming session, and i hate sunlight, HATE IT! HATE HATE HATE!
I dare everyone to participate in my Monster drinking contest, and there must be a bet that the first place, and second place, or if someone ties for first, that they have to go out for ten weeks. and You,author,must tie with Navi for first place in it.
And for my last dare, which is going to be horribly painful for everyone. I dare Ganondorf to admit to being a Schitzonfanic(Like Monk) and go to therapy, but yoor therapist is a serial rapist...a GAY serial rapist...then your next therapist is a 2 year old child, and then, after going through do process, your admitted into a phsyciatric facility. Now you all must be wondering why its going to be painful for you all? well, the author must not use author powers to do this, you must all go see, and make Ganondork feel better about his problems, and you all must try and be nice. Oh and Dark, you have to dress up in a tiny miniskirt, and go to the Gays only club down by the airport, and take a HEAVY DOSE OF CRY-I mean, Homomedicine.
Author: Correct! –gives Vincent a cookie-
Xalin: Fine. I only made out with Malon that one time, anyways. And I'm not a womanizer. I'm a jackass.
Malon: And I didn't even like it.
Xalin: -is extremely tempted to say his witty, flirtatious comeback-
Author: Allow me. "Please, baby, you know you like the Big-Man's sugar."
Author: Oh…Midna DID have another dare….I'll just have to find a replacement. ILIA! –shoves Ilia and Navi into a passionate make-out session-
Link: WHAT? But I'm too young to marry!
Author: Too bad. CHOOSE. –cocks a shotgun filled with explosive shells-
Link: -gulps- I choose…..SARIA!
Everyone: -gasps, then turns to face the door-
Saria: -is standing in the doorframe-
Zelda: You…do know that she's only 9 years old, right?
Author: -sighs- I, unfortunately, am fine with Link/Saria…..Author Powers….-makes Saria 17 years old- Enjoy.
Link: Thanks…I'm not really going to have to marry her, am I?
Saria: Please say no, mister...
Author: Just call me Author. And no, this isn't gonna turn into a truth or dare fic with a plot, like some I've seen in the past.
Zelda: I have neuter…HIM? –points to Ganondorf-
Author: You're qualified. You've seen his junk. Now, you get to remove it. HOWEVER….You have to use your mouth.
Zelda: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Author: No. Start biting. –uses AUTHOR POWERS to calm Ganondorf down then puts a sheet around them-
-5 gruesome, painful, scream-inducing, bloody minutes later-
Author: Man, that was just harsh!...I LOVED IT!
Xalin: Uhh…Dude….Read the next dare. It's for you.
Author: Oh, sweet! –reads dare-…NO. I'm not putting in any co-authors, especially ones that I can't get into contact with. This is my first story, and I want to do it on my own. No offense, though, your profile looks pretty good. If you want to be a part of a story, perhaps you could write your own? That's what I did.
Xalin: Drinking contest? SWEET!
-one beer-chugging montage later-
Author: -hic- This…is awesome….I love you all…..-barfs on Tingle-
Tingle: Aww, man…This is….-hic-…so weird…
Author: So…what was that –hic- last part again? –hic-
Malon: It says 'ere –hic- you've gotta go out…on a date….with Navi…-hic-
Author:…Whuh? Whuzzat? –hic-
-one date scene that I'm too lazy to write about later-
Author: -completely sobered up- THAT WAS AWFUL! So much "HEY" and "LISTEN"! I thought my head was gonna explode!
Ganondorf: -reads next dare- Ehh…But I'm not schizophrenic…
Author: You are now. AUTHOR POWE…Oh wait…No author powers….Crap…Oh wait, there's a part at the end of that impossible dare. –reads dare-…..Oh DAAARRK…-evil laugh-
-5 minutes later-
Dark Link: -is getting a heavy dose of homo-medicine from a male strip-club by some airport-
Author: That's gotta suck. Dark's a lesbian.
A/N: Woo! Another chapter is done! And now for my author notes, which I hope you people read. Otherwise, this is just wasted effort.
Firstly, SPREAD THE WORD about this fic. Tell your friends on this site, tell your friends in real life, do anything you can. I may be lazy, but I love writing out these dares.
Secondly, if it seems like I'm half-assing some descriptions in my dares, it's because I'm lazy. Complain about it all you'd like, I'll just smile, nod, and shoot you in the face with a shotgun…Kinda like Dick Cheney.
Next, here's the next lyric game. And yes, the answer to the last one was Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. That was easy, though.
Lawrence of Arabia, British Beatlemania
Ole Miss, John Glenn, Liston beats Patterson
Pope Paul, Malcolm X, British Politician sex
J.F.K. blown away, what else do I have to say.
This one will either be really easy, or really, REALLY hard.
Finally, please review. Of course, that's kind of a given, but just in case there are any new readers.
Now then…-skewers everybody with lots of giant toothpicks, then lights a big bonfire and has a cannibalistic kebab-roast-
MORE A/N: The dares, due to being hard to see, will now be in italics to help them stand out from the rest of the text. Why don't I go back and edit the past chapters as well? Your face, that's why.
|Tue Jun 08, 2010 6:02 pm
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:51 pm
Re: Truth or Dare: Legend of Zelda
Midna: -slowly wakes up- Wh…Where…am I…? –looks around, squinting at the sunlight- Looks like a hotel room or something…Wait, WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES? –looks under the covers, blushing-
Oni: Oh, you're up, dear! –wearing a bathrobe and smoking a pipe- Man, you must've been wasted last night! You look like you don't remember anything at all!
Midna: -staring, shocked at Oni- Whuh...What are you saying? Did…I SLEEP with you?
Oni: In an answer…Yes. And it was AWESOME! Oh man, I didn't think that girls could do that kind of stuff in bed!
Midna: AAAAAGGHHH! –uses the Fused Shadows to turn into that giant spider thingy, then bashes Oni out of this dimension-
Oni: Look me up sometime! I'll be waitiiiiiingg….-blinky thing-
Midna: -puts some clothes on, then teleports to the studio-
Link:…And THAT, my good man, is why Albert Einstein was completely mistaken in his understandings of gravity.
Xalin:…You're a total dumbass.
Link: Yeah, well, try falling from ridiculous heights several THOUSAND times in a whole bunch of games, and you'd feel the effects on your brain, too!
Midna: -teleports in- Sorry I'm late, guys. Long story, I'd rather not talk about it.
Author: Please, don't bother, Oni sent us the tape of you doing it.
Midna: He TAPED us? AND YOU WATCHED IT?
Author: No, I'm not a perv.
Midna: Phew…That's a relief.
Author: I HAVE, however, produced copies of it en masse, started selling it online, and made hundreds of thousands of dollars off of your footage.
Midna: I hate you. I hate you with a passion, man.
Author: Don't hate me because I'm a jackass. Hate me because of my amazing charisma, or devilish good looks.
Ganondorf: Talk about a god complex.
Author: Whatever you say, Ganondorf. Anyways, let's begin.That last chapter was awesome! (High-fives author)
In my state of Minnesota (ya, y'betcha), we're about to start the State Fair, so I've got some State Fair related tortures for our Zelda characters this time!XD
Ganondorf: While in your Ganon form, apply for the biggest pig contest to see if you win! (If you do, you get ground up into sausages by the fair people! Hooray!)
Link and Zelda: Have a throw-up contest between the two of you! Make sure eat as much as possible, then go on a ton of dizzying rides (rollercoasters, tilt-a-whirl, etc.). The loser (or person who throws up first) will have to do whatever the winner tells them to for the rest of the chapter!
Tingle: Do your normal routine of singing, dancing, map-selling, etc. and see how long you can go at the fair before getting arrested by the cops for creeping people out!
Author: Throw Ruto and Navi into a deep fryer and sell Ruto on a Stick and Navi on a Stick, and find out which people like better.
(Note: When cooking Ruto and Navi, make sure it's set on low so that they suffer the longest before dying!) (Bond villain laugh)
Author: Thanks for the compliments. They make my ego feel smug and satisfied.
Xalin: State fair-themed dares, huh? This is gonna be fun! All the fun and unhealthy food of a carnival, with forced torture! YAY!
Ganondorf: -reads dare- Uhhhh….Do I have to…?
Author: Yes. Now pig up, or else we ground you up into sausages right now. –gets out a meat grinder-
Ganondorf: Ulp! –goes into his pig form from TP-
Author: Good. Now, we're off to market, everybody! Don't burn the house down!
-one pig-judging later-
Judge: This year's winner is…Author! With his giant, red-haired pig, Ganon! –grabs Ganon and shoves him into a giant meat grinder and gives me 2,500 dollars-
Author: Sweet! Money! Too bad I have to revive him for later dares. AUTHOR POWERS! –revives Ganondorf-
Ganondorf: Jesus, that was awful! NEVER do that again, man!
Author: All right, whatever. Let's just start the next dare with…Link and Zelda's puking contest. I love these! I usually win, too! –Xalin and I start shoving bucket loads of corndogs and candy down Link and Zelda's throats- Now, you kids play nice on the ROLLERCOASTER OF PURE PUKING HORROR!
Link and Zelda: -get shoved onto the ROLLERCOASTER OF PURE PUKING HORROR!(Yes, the exclamation points are part of its name)- OH JESUS, NOOOO! –they both go through dozens of spirals, loops and drops from 20 stories up. This repeats itself 3 times, until Link throws up at the top of a loop, covering Zelda in Link's puke at the bottom of the loop. Zelda then pukes projectile vomit all over Link's head-
Navi: Jeez, I sure am glad I'm not under his hat right now…No matter how good his hair feels on my body…
Malon: I'm disturbed. Could somebody shut her up, please?
Author: Don't worry; she's involved in an upcoming dare. Just hold out. Until then, Tingle has to do his thing in the middle of the fair. –kicks Tingle into the middle of the fair, where dozens of people see him-
Tingle: Ehh….Hello, everybody!
Random Guy: Holy crap, a middle-aged man in spandex, talking like a little kid! That's even worse than any of those freak shows! LET'S KICK HIS ASS! –angry mob starts kicking Tingle's ass, eventually throwing him out, back to the studio-
Tingle: They….They didn't like me….-cries in a corner-
Author: Nobody likes you, Tingle. Nobody at all. Now then, Malon, you get your wish to have Navi shut up, along with Ruto!
Malon: YAY! What's gonna happen?
Author: We all cook Ruto and Navi in a giant deep fryer, then have random people try each Ruto-on-a-stick and Navi-on-a-stick, and see which one people like better!
Xalin: Sounds cruel…I LOVE IT! WOOO!
-one deep frying later, with lots of shrieks of pain and third-degree burns involved-
Author: GET YOUR FREAKS-ON-A-STICK, HERE! GET YOUR FREAKS-ON-A-STICK, RIGHT NOW!
Crowd: -tries both, and agrees that the Ruto one tastes better-
Random Guy: It's like having fried fish on a stick, only it's bigger! Do you have any tartar sauce?
Author: No. And we're sold out. –returns to the studio- They loved Ruto.
Ilia: That's impossible! Nobody likes Ruto!
Author: Well, they like eating her. NEXT DARES!... I imagine Oni in a cape busting through the wall... XD And when you guys were "drunk" and said whuh? Whuzzat? I pictured Scary Movie 1 where scream was... Haha, good times!
Anyway! Dare time
Ganondorf: Try to take over the world using waffles. Believe me, there's possibilities. XD
Remember that goron... Ah, Darunia, was it? The one that dances crazily to Saria's song... I dare him to dance until he dies... Wait... Isn't he already dead in the series? Is being a sage dead...? TOO CONFUSING!
Navi: What causes fairies to glow? I've always wondered that...
All I got for now, sorry they're no really... interesting X3
Ganondorf: I get to take over the world using WAFFLES? My lifelong dream, realized! –cooks an army of delicious, fluffy Belgian waffles with fresh, sweet maple syrup and other random assorted toppings, such as light, airy whipped cream, fresh berries, sliced chunks of juicy watermelon, and semisweet chocolate chips-
Xalin: Dammit, man, that description is making me hungry!
Ganondorf: Sorry man, but what do you expect? I am the greatest Gerudo chef in known history! –takes over the world with delicious waffles-
Author: No surprises, but he did it. Now then…
Everybody but Ganondorf: -eats all the waffles-
Ganondorf: MY ARMY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Why would you do such a thing! These waffles were great men, in the prime of their lives! –notices a barely-breathing waffle covered in whipped cream, chocolate chips, and the blood of his comrades in the corner of the room- Private Syrup? Is that you? –runs over-
Private Syrup: -hack, cough- Lord…Ganondorf…I…We've failed…you…
Ganondorf: Nonsense! Don't speak such ridiculous things! You all performed your duties admirably…I…I was proud…To lead you.
Private Syrup: And I was…-hack-…proud to serve…you…Give my regards…-hack, cough-…to my…children…and my wife…
Ganondorf: No, don't say that man! You're not dying on me now! You're going to see your kids and wife again! YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT!
Private Syrup: I do…I know...that...-hack...I'll see them…again…-hack, hack-…When it's…their time…-hack-….I see…a light…..It's beautiful…
Ganondorf: Private, don't go towards the light! You hear me? STAY AWAY FROM THAT LIGHT!
Private Syrup: It's…a bright red…light….The Great Toaster…-hack, cough-…In The Sky…I've –hack-…..I've always wondered…if it was real….-slowly breathes his dying breathe-
Ganondorf: Sy…Syrup? –starts shaking Private Syrup repeatedly- Syrup? SYRUP? SYYYYYYRUUUUUPP! –breaks down weeping with the corpse of Private Syrup in his arms-
Author: -starts a slow clap- Wow….You can't make that kind of shit up…That is true human emotion.
Zelda, Malon, and Saria: -crying softly- It was just like…In those war movies…
Link and Midna: -averting their eyes from this dramatic, tender scene, not wanting to bear witness to something so touching and heart-wrenchingly painful-
Xalin: Wait….Author….Didn't YOU make this up? That entire scene….You wrote it, didn't you?
Everybody: -glares angrily at Xalin for completely breaking the mood-
Xalin: What? What did I say?
Author: Let's just go to the next dare, jackass.
Darunia: I'm not dead in the series. Haven't you seen the credits of OoT? All the sages, except for Rauru, all came back after Ganondorf was defeated. And…All right. –hands Link a CD- Put on track 12.
Link: -puts on the CD and goes to track 12-
Darunia: -starts bobbing his head to a techno remix of Saria's Song, and dances until he dies of exhaustion-
Author: Wow, that was weird. Turn the CD off, Link.
Link: -cuts the CD-
Navi: Simple. MAGIC is what causes fairies to glow.
Author: I'll leave it at that. NEXT DARES!...Monster isn't an alchoholic beverage dude...And I didn't mean like a co-author, I just meant throw me in. I am a complete jackass, so I could fit right in. But I might not write a ToD fic just yet...unless you agree to co author it with me...and I am sure that there is something about you barfing on tingle that freaked everyone out...WE DIDN'T START THE FIRE!...I am serious...and thats also the song...I'm truly sorry, I used youtube to cheat...bows head in shame
But only one dare. I dare author to take ten pounds of Xalin's hidden weed(it's behind the giant weapon stack next to his bed, there should be a carved panel near the back) and smoke it all in one giant ten foot joint, then let the zelda characters dare you to do .
Author: Well, you got the song right, but since you used Youtube…You only get half a cookie. –gives you half a cookie, then eats the other half-
Xalin: For the last time, I DON'T DO DRUGS!
Author: It's true. I created him; He doesn't do drugs. However, I can sure as hell plant them! AUTHOR POWERS! –summons a massive stack of pot, rolls it up into a massive joint, and smokes a good amount of it in one long drag- Whoa…My fingers…..Look like little people…Awesome
-5 hours and several revenge based dares later-
Author: -now completely sobered up- All right, I'm better now., aside from this massive headache.
Link, Zelda, Navi, Ruto, and Ganondorf: -snicker quietly in a corner with a bottle of aspirin and jackhammer in their hands-
Author: Let's get to the other dares.lol awsome story!Thank you Cassi(shortslover911) for telling me about this! Now on to dah dares!
I dare all the LoZ girls to fight to the death! The winner gets a fabulous prize!A dozen donuts specially made by Majora!
Link:play whack-a-mole!But Navi has to be the mole!
and thats it for now! I know I have sucky dares but I can't think!
Every Girl: What?
Link: Woo! MASSIVE CATFIGHT!
Xalin: CATFIGHT! WOOOOO!
Author: HELL YEAH! AUTHOR POWERS! –traps all the girls in a giant, caged mud pit, and strips them all down into bikinis-
Ganondorf: -has stopped weeping over Private Syrup- Nice touch, man.
Author: I try. Now, CATFIGHT TO THE DEATH! BEGIN!
-one muddy catfight-to-the-death later, which only lasted 5 seconds-
Author: And the winner is….MIDNA! No surprises there! –hands Midna her Majora-brand donuts-
Midna: Oooh, donuts made by Majora!
Majora: I'm still the better chef, Ganondorf!
Ganondorf: RAAAARRGGHHH! I'll get you someday, Majora!
Link: Sweet, now I get to play Whack-A-Navi? –readies his Megaton Hammer-
Navi: -pokes out of a hole, and sees the hammer- OH DEAR GODDESSES! –gets CRUSHED-
Author: AWESOME! Next dares!Hey! I'm back! BTW, Poor Zelda ...
Link (D): I dare you to finnaly kill Gannondorf once and for all.
Midna (D): I dare you to jump into a lake naked with Zant
Zelda (D): I dare you to kill Dark Link with your Teeth
Malon (T): Who do you like more, Link or Epona?
Zant (D) : I dare you to give mouth to mouth to Gannondorf after he dies
Tetra (D): I dare you take a flaming arrow, gassoline and set the lake on fire with Midna and Zant in it, only ten seconds for them to get out
Toon Link (D) : I dare you to 1. punch Tetra's evil father and make out with Tetra with her father in the room and him starpped in a chair
Link and Zelda (D) : I dare you to kill Captain Falcon and Sonic
Midna and Malon (D) : I dare you two to murder Ilia
Link: I can't. Even with the Master Sword AND Silver Arrow, Ganondorf can't be killed. Only defeated. Which sucks.
Midna: WHAT? I have to skinny-dip with the wack-job?
Zant: Come on, baby, you know you want a taste of the Twilight King's "magic".
Midna: Ugghh…Whatever, you freak. Let's just get this over with. –jumps into the lake, then removes her clothes-
Oni: -spying from a distance, looking through binoculars- Aww, man!...Maybe something else will happen.
Zant: -removes his cloak and helmet, and jumps into the lake-
Zelda: No problem. After neutering Ganondorf with these things, they can take damned near anything.
Dark: Be as rough as you'd like, baby. Gimme all you got. –cat call-
Zelda:….On second thought, I'm not touching this one with a 20-foot pole. –slowly backs away-
Dark: What, are you scared, honey?
Author: NEXT DARE!...-reads dare- Ganondorf's not dead. NEXT NEXT DARE! –drenches the lake that Midna and Zant are still in with gasoline-
Tetra: Thanks, Author! –nocks a flaming arrow, takes aim, and fires at an area near Midna and Zant-
Midna: HOLY SHIT! –warps out of the lake, with clothes on-
Zant: Wait, TAKE ME WITH Y- -BURNED ALIVE!-
Author: Ouch…Toon Link, check out your next dare.
Toon Link: -reads dare- AAAAGH….Man, this is not cool!
Author: Dude, do it for the girl.
Toon Link: -looks at Tetra, then at her dad, then goes back and forth a few times-…All right, I'll do it. –punches Tetra's father, straps him into a chair, then starts making out with Tetra-
Tetra's father: -has a seizure from pure anger-
Author: Sorry, but I'm prohibiting Link and Zelda from doing that next dare. Sonic is just way too damned fast, and Captain Falcon, in case you haven't noticed, is a freaking GOD PIMP OF GODLY PIMPITUDE. HiM AND LUIGI ARE BOTH GOD PIMPS OF GODLY PIMPITUDE.
Malon: WOO! –beats on Ilia-
Midna: -finishes the job with the Fused Shadows-
Author: Well, that was easy. NEXT DARES!OMFG this is funny...
Dark Link: I'm kinda sorry about you kissin Ruto but not by much... Go chase Link around the block screaming alot of threats and just do that for a while. I don't have alot right now...
Romani: Fight with Malon over who gets Epona.
Author: Throw Link in the all Link club and record what happens. Then put it on Youtube!
Zelda: Did you think I'd forget about you? Go into a very deep dark hole with cannibals, poisonous snakes, and dried up sweat socks.
Link: WHO DO YOU LOVE? Is it Midna, Zelda, Malon, Saria, or is it... the author... or Xalin... or me? O.o JK!
Dark: Woo! –unsheathes sword- I FREAKIN' KILL YOU, FAIRY BOY!
Link: GAAH! –runs away from Dark-
Malon: Hey, that "fairy boy" line is MY thing!
Romani: Hey, bitch, Epona's MINE!
Malon: Keep dreaming, bitch! Epona is MY horse!
Romani: That's my horse! –slaps Malon's hands-
Malon: That's MY horse! –slaps Romani's hands-
Romani: That's MY horse! –slaps Malon in the back of the head-
Malon: That's MY horse! –punches Romani in the stomach-
Romani: That's MY horse! –whacks Malon with an anchor-
Malon: THAT'S MY HORSE, BITCH! –beats Romani mercilessly with a metal baseball bat-
Romani: All right, all right! Goddesses, it's your horse. –slowly limps away-
Author: Woo! Everybody loves fangirl torture! –takes Link and throws him into a Link fanclub-
Link: SWEET GODDESSES! –gets mauled by fangirls-
Zelda: But…But I don't wanna!
Author: -hypnotizes Zelda to walk into the hole filled with cannibals, poisonous snakes, and dried up sweaty socks-
Zelda: OH MY FUCKING GODDESSES! –suffocates from fumes, gets poisoned, and then eaten-
Link: I don't really LOVE anybody…
All the girls: -death glares-
Link: WHAT? It's just that I can't choose!
Author: Finally, we're done!
A/N: Wow, old readers and new readers have come back! Thanks everybody!
All right, you know the drill, read and review, and get on with your lives.
Last chapter's lyric game answer was "We Didn't Start The Fire" by Billy Joel. BTW, you get an extra cookie for giving me the artist that sang the song as well as the name of the song. This chapter's lyric game is:
With all the people in the street
Walk as fast as their feet can take them
I just roam through town
And though my window's got a view
Well the frame I'm looking through
Seems to have no concern for me now
All right, that's it! Read and review, please!
-after the chapter-
Author: Man, I've gotta tell you, Syrup, you did great!
Private Syrup: Thanks, man. Say, do you think that I could have a place on this story every once in a while?
Author: Perhaps…IF you keep bringing those amazing acting skills with you. You did great! You had all the girls in tears! Ganondorf was bawling like a little baby, cradling you in his arms!
Private Syrup: I try my best. Oh, and just so you know, my name isn't Syrup.
Author: Well, yeah, I know that. But I forgot...What IS your real name?
?: My name is…
A/N Cont'd: WHAT IS THE WAFFLE'S NAME? YOU DECIDE!
That's right, you choose a good name for our little waffle friend! If I like it, I MIGHT put it in as his real name! If I still like the name you give me, it MAY become the name of one of his characters! FUN ALL AROUND! YAY! PUT YOUR BRAINS TO WORK AND THINK UP SOME NAMES THAT'LL BLOW ME AWAY!
Xalin: You're just doing this because you can't think of a name yourself, aren't you?
Author: Yeah...Now then. –goes off to steal Midna's donuts-
Xalin: He's doomed. –goes off to fondle his weaponry-
|Tue Jun 08, 2010 6:07 pm
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:51 pm
Re: Truth or Dare: Legend of Zelda
Author: Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention please…
Xalin: Just get to the fucking announcement, man.
Author: Shaddup. Anyways, the people have spoken…Our new waffle cast member's name shall be…
BATTER! A name generously thought up by shortslover911!
Ganondorf: PRIVATE SYRUP! YOU'RE ALIVE!
Batter: My name isn't Private Syrup, douche. I'm Batter, a well-trained actor…Who is also a waffle. I was paid by the Author to come here last chapter, and I liked it so much that I signed a contract to be here for good!
Zelda and Malon: Yay! We've got a cute little waffle as a cast member!
Midna: And he knows how to act!
Author: And he's open to dares after this chapter!
Batter: Yeah! Wait, WHAT? I never agreed to that!
Author: You signed away your rights to me when you were hired, bitch! –holds out a contract-
Author: One more thing. As I write this, I currently have 300 hits on this story. So….Wait for it…..Wait for it…..-transports everyone to ancient Sparta-
Ganondorf: This is blasphemy, Hero! This is MADNESS!
Link: Madness?...THIS. IS. SPARTAAAAAA! –kicks Ganondorf into the pit of death-
Author: HELLZ YEAH! -transports everyone back- And now for the dares!
Dick, Dick Van is his name.
D:Link has to bang all teh girls, cept for Ruto, then he has to say which one is better, BUT HE HAS TO CHOOSE, otherwise Ruto gets to do whatever she wants for the chapter
T:Navi, did Link, erm, HELP you under his hat?
D:Epona, YOU MUST CHOOSE WHO YOUR MASTER IS, LINK OR MALON!
Dare. I dare the author to chug a bottle of sake and make out with Xalin and Romani.
Dare. I dare Saria to go on a date with Mido.
I dare Xalin to admit to snorting nesquick, and then do it, then go riding around the neighborhood on a giant tricycle with tricked out speakers, and then trick Ganondorf into admitting that he is the son of Link and Zelda.(Nesqick is NOT a drug, so that thing about not doing drugs doesnt count)
I dare someone from teh crew to murder author, but not get caught, but dont worry, you can have a clone made so you can still write the story. Ill send a PM on who the murderer is.
I wanna ask. HOW OLD ARE YOU SARIA? You freaking raised Link, so Im sure your at least 40, but how old are you really?
And Midna, I dare you to tell Oni that you love him, then make out with Zant right in front of him, everyone might wanna run from the probable chaos that is sure to ensue.
Last, I dare Malon and...erm...whatshername?...Nabooru to get in a drunken threesome with Xalin.
And Monster is a brand of energy drink. Teh best there is too. MONSTER!
I aint gunna guess teh song this time tho, BECUZ I ONLY GOT HALF A COOKIE!goes off crying about cookie.
Author: That's right you only got half a cookie, bitch! –throws a brick at Quicktrigger-
Xalin: Dude, who pissed you off?
Author: YOU ARE ALL MY SQUEEZY STRESS BALLS! ONLY I'M TORTURING YOU INSTEAD OF SQUEEZING YOU! –eye twitch, eye twitch-
Xalin: -backs away slowly-
Dark Link: YAY! –lesbian rapes all the girls, except Ruto-
Ganondorf: Slightly disturbing, but at the same time, slightly…hot.
Dark: Phew…..I'd have to say that…Nabooru was best.
Author: Can't say that I'm surprised. She's in a tribe that's nearly all girls. They must have "experimented" with each other at some point.
Ganondorf: They did, and I know because I watched! IT WAS AWESOME!
Nabooru: WHAT? –whips out dual scimitars-
Ganondorf: GAAAAHHHH! –runs away-
Navi:…Yes…But he didn't even know.
Link:….I did NOT need to know that.
Epona: -with a translator- Malon is my master, no doubt. She doesn't kick me as much.
Link: I thought we had a bond, Epona! –runs away crying-
Author: -throws a brick at Link- Today's "Throw-A-Brick-At-People-When-They're-Running-Away-Crying Day"! HOORAY!
Xalin: -snickers as he hands Author his dare-
Author: Huh? –reads dare- Sorry, but if you would be so kind as to look back to the first chapter's A/N, I said that since Xalin was a part of my imagination, I would only make out with my hand if anybody asked me to make out with him. So basically, I get to make out with my hand! And Romani! WOOO!
Xalin: Narcissism incarnate.
Author: -makes out with Romani and his hand after chugging a bottle of sake- (EXTRA A/N: I hadn't played Majora's Mask when I wrote this chapter, so I didn't know that Romani was basically Kid Malon. Awkward in hindsight...>.>)
Saria: What? MIDO? Ewww…He's a total jerk…
Author: Man, it's about time that I did this! AUTHOR POWERS! –hypnotizes Saria to go on a date with Mido, which ends in a happy ending...for Mido, at least-
Saria: I…..feel…so…dirty….-cold shower and clothing fire-
Xalin: Fine then….Err….I snort Nesquick powder. –does so, then steal's Stewie's tricked-out tricycle and rides it around with classic rock blasting out of the speakers-
Ganondorf: Link…..Zelda….I am your son.
Zelda: No, you're not.
Ganondorf: Okay, fine. –slumps off dejectedly-
Author: Ahh, rejection. It's so funny to watch.
Xalin: Dude, check out the dare.
Author: -reads dare- Whoa…Complex…All right, bring in the cloning machine. –brings in a cloning machine-
Ilia: Lemme guess, we're going to kill the clone, aren't we?
Author: Yeah, pretty much. –clones self- Hey, man.
Author Clone: Hey.
Xalin: Ah Goddesses, we've got two of them now!
Author: All right, everybody ready? –flicks off the lights-
Clone: Whuh- What're you doing? No, no! AAAAAAAAGGHH! –dies-
Author: All right, it's done. Let's see the damage. –turns the lights back on and sees Tingle carrying the body, with a knife in its back with a handle shaped like Tingle's head-
Malon: Holy crap!
Tingle: I didn't do it! I swear! The body fell on top of me, so I decided to try and throw it out!
Author: A LIKELY STORY! I SENTENCE YOU TO DEAT H BY CHAINSAW! –chainsaws Tingle in half-
Saria: STOP! I…I did it…
Author:…Oh….Well, I already killed Tingle, so you're excused. Besides, I already knew you would do it. I'M PSYCHIC!
Xalin: You got the message from that Quicktrigger guy.
Author: Yeah, well, whatever….-chainsaws Tingle again-
Saria: Well, thanks to Author, I'm technically 17 years old.
Author: That was boring. –starts shooting an uzi at Saria's feet- DANCE, BITCH, DANCE!
Saria: WAAAAGGHH! –starts hopping up and down to try and dodge the bullets-
Midna: -gags- Dear Goddesses, no!
Author: -ushers everyone into a bunker- Too bad, Midna! AUTHOR POWERS! –hypnotizes Midna-
Oni: -suddenly appears- Yes, dear? Did you want to talk to me about going for another night on the town?
Midna: Ehh…No….I wanted to say…I…love…you….-gags-
Oni: You….what? I…..I feel so…happy!
Midna: Yeah, that's nice. Now then…-makes out with Zant-
Zant: What the…Oh….Cool…
Oni: -eye twitch, eye twitch-
Zant: HOLY SHIT!
Oni: -throws a tantrum with the power of an atomic bomb-
Malon and Ilia: Holy crap!
Author: That was fucking cool! But…We must move on…-warps Oni out of the area and back to Termina, where he destroys Kari, Hanz, Grandma Beck, and everybody in Clock Town (consider this a shout-out to shortslover for her awesome naming abilities!)-
Malon and Nabooru: -read dare- WHAT? You expect us to do ANYTHING with THAT guy? –point to Xalin-
Xalin: If I remember correctly, you and I made out once, Malon.
Malon: YOU FORCED ME TO MAKE OUT WITH YOU, JACKASS!
Author: All right, enough. Since this is a DRUNKEN threesome, let's break out the sake! –shoves a bottle of sake down Malon and Nabooru's throats, then shoves them and Xalin into a room where they had their drunken threesome-
Batter: Finally, we're done!
O I definitely got a name for Mr Waffle dude! Ok... His name... from what I get, should be... Mr...
... But a short version might be... Von Syrup-pants... OR just a simple Batter. Ok... Onto the important dares, yay! This time, I'll target the villains!
Ganondorf: Get into a giant hamster ball, and go through a course... LIke a guinea pig! X3
Ganondorf/Zant/Vatti/Majora: Caramelldasen! Whoever loses by dtop dancing gets pied! And whoever wins gets pied with chocolate pie!
Vatti: I've always wondered this... Why go from a usual minish form... TO A FREAKING FLYING EYEBALL DUDE!
Author: This is gonna be cool! –summons a giant hamster ball and creates an obstacle course similar to Roll Goal- GET IN ASS-WIPE!
Ganondorf: Why should I?
Author: Remember that death-threat I made in Chapter 1? –holds up a bayonet and performs said death threat on Ruto for emphasis-
Ganondorf: Oh dear Goddesses…-hops into the hamster ball and tries to navigate the obstacle course, fails, and gets more and more frustrated with each failure-
Author: -reads dare- Wait….CARAMELLDANSEN? Oh God, not that! It's too annoying!
Xalin: DO IT!
Ganondorf, Vaati, Majora, and Zant: -dance the Caramelldansen dance-
Zant: My…My back! I cannot go on! –drops out and gets pied in the face-
Vaati: My self-respect is dying! –drops out and gets pied in the face-
Midna: Can't blame him.
Ganondorf and Majora: -start getting in a cooking fight while dancing-
Author: Save the delicious cooking for the proper dares, people! –punches Majora in the stomach-
Majora: Hurk! –stops dancing-
Xalin: HAH! Ganondorf wins! You owe me 25 dollars, Navi! –pies Majora, and chocolate pies Ganondorf-
Navi: Dammit…-gives Xalin 25 dollars-
Vaati: I don't really know why I go from a cool sorcerer to a freaky flying eyeball thing. I blame the game developers.
Author: NEXT DARES!
woah... O.o Okay Zelda I'm over being mad at you... sorta...
Author: Steal Zelda's triforce power and make her fight one on one with malon.
Malon: You are soo cool! Try to persuade Vaati in thinking he's an elf.
Link: Go to Terminia and go back through the hardest fing temple there was.
Majora: Challenge Gannon to a rematch and you have to cook your best dish!
Author: WOOOOOOO! VICTORY IS MINE! –steals Zelda's Triforce- Zelda, you and Malon go kill each other. I've got…stuff to do. Xalin, you take over for now.
Xalin: Gotcha, Author. You two…-points at Malon and Zelda-…Catfight. Now.
Link: WOO! Catfight!
Xalin: -pulls a lever and drops a cage around Zelda and Malon, where they proceed to have a 5-minute long catfight-
Xalin: And the winner is….MALON! WOO!
Malon: I WIN!...But where's Author? He's the only one that can revive Zelda.
Zelda: -lying on her back with a grotesque look on her face and a chair leg sticking out of her head-
Xalin: Eh, he'll be back any minute.
Author: BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! ABSOLUTE POWER IS MINE! –appears in a puff of smoke, looking like Beast Ganon from OoT, only with the Soul Edge and Soul Caliber swords in my hands-
Xalin:….Huh…And you were worried.
Author: DAMN, THIS IS AWESOME, SPEAKING IN ALL CAPS LIKE THIS! I'M GOING TO PUNCH A BABY IN THE FACE AND DROWN A LITTER OF KITTENS! –goes off to be a jackass-
Xalin: Don't worry, he'll be back…Any second now.
-3 hours later-
Author: ALL RIGHT, I'M BORED WITH ABSOLUTE POWER NOW. –revives Zelda- HERE, TAKE THE STUPID TRIFORCE. –gives Zelda back her Triforce and goes back to normal-
Malon: Why, thank you! But…isn't Vaati a Minish?
Author: DO IT, BITCH! –kicks Malon's ass, then throws her over to Vaati-
Malon: JACKASS!...-turns to Vaati- Sorry about that. Listen…Vaati…You aren't really a Minish…You're a dark elf.
Vaati: Really? SWEET! –grabs a bow and quiver full of arrows, gets on a horse, and runs off to dye his hair blonde so he looks like Legolas-
Malon: I feel that I have just made a terrible, terrible mistake.
Author: Agreed. I fear for all our lives, as well as our states of mind.
Link: Eh….Author…I believe you should tell them…f
Author: All right….I…..I…I've never played LoZ: MM…..-curls up in the fetal position and starts crying-
Majora: HAH! This is going to be too easy! Ganondorf, I challenge you to an all out, do-or-die cooking battle! The rules are that we must create a delicious 3-course meal of appetizer, entrée, and dessert! In between the 1st and 2nd courses, as well as the 2nd and 3rd courses, we must duel with spatulas!
Ganondorf: I accept, o worthy challenger!
Author: Man, this is going to be both badass and delicious at the same time! AWESOME!
-three kickass dishes and two kickass swordfights later-
Xalin: Well, this cooking battle has been fierce. Ganondorf, you were victorious in the appetizer section and the second spatula battle. Majora, you were the victor in the entrée section and the first spatula battle. That meant that this final course, the dessert course, was the do-or-die tiebreaker. There could be only one winner, and this winner was…GANONDORF!
Ganondorf: HAH! I OWN YOU, MASKED BITCH!
Majora: NOO! How could I lose to him? He's an inferior chef? HOOOOW?
Ganondorf: It was bound to happen, Majora, and you knew this in your heart. That's why you took me under your wing in the first place!
Author: Wait, Ganondorf was Majora's PUPIL? I did NOT see that coming!
Majora: -sighs- Well done….I suppose. The student has surpassed the teacher. –walks away into the sunset-
Batter: That was awesome….I got the leftovers! –eats the leftover food-
Author: NEXT DARES!
-sniffle- I wish I had author powers! All I have is a lever!
Link:You and Ganondorf have a contest to see who can hold their breathe the longest
Ganondorf: I was wondering why do you even try to beat Link? I mean Link beats you in every single game, Majora can cook better, and no one even likes you!
ok well thats all!
Author: A lot of people wish they had author powers. And it's AWESOME! AUTHOR POWERS! –forces Xalin to get me a bag of potato chips-
Author: Less talking, more food-getting.
Link: Ehh…Alright. –holds breath with Ganondorf-
Author: -after half a minute, decides to poke Link-
Link: -pops like a balloon-
Ganondorf: Sweet! Two wins in one day! –happy dance-
Author: Stop your happy dance. You have a question to answer. –punches Ganondorf in the face-
Ganondorf: OW! I think my nothe ith bleeding….Thankth a lot, man. Anywayth…I can cook better than Majora! That cooking battle thayth tho!
Author: Woo! We're done!
A/N: Yay, another chapter completed! I really expected more entries from you people. However, just because your name wasn't chosen, doesn't mean that it's forgotten. I might use it as a character name for Batter, since he IS an actor.
Batter is now up for dares and truths! Make him feel welcome!
Last chapter's lyric game was Breakdown by Jack Johnson. Here's the lyric game for this chapter.
Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine.
It's hard to tell the nighttime from the day…
You're losing all your highs and lows,
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes
Also, I know I put a 300 reference in there, near the beginning. BUT…If YOU, the readers, can figure out which upcoming movie I really want to see BASED on that 300 reference, I'll give you…cake. –crowd gasps and cheers-
Finally, please make sure to R&R! KBB, out!
|Tue Jun 08, 2010 6:12 pm
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:51 pm
Re: Truth or Dare: Legend of Zelda
SUPER DUPER A/N OMG: The next chapter I posted was a giant disclaimer that I meant to update, but inevitably fell by the wayside. So here's my super, all encompassing disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING EXCEPT AUTHOR, XALIN, AND THE CHARACTER BATTER, AS WELL AS ANY OTHER OC'S IN THIS STORY THAT AREN'T AUTHOR AVATARS OR ONI. ONI IS NOT MINE. THE ONI IN HERE IS IN SHORTSLOVER'S STORIES AND I USE HIM AS AN HOMAGE TO HER. THAT IS ALL. GOOD DAY/NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.
|Tue Jun 08, 2010 6:15 pm
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:51 pm
Re: Truth or Dare: Legend of Zelda
Author: Wow, Xalin, that last chapter I put up was DEFINITELY the best thus far.
Xalin: Do you mean the fucking disclaimer chapter?
Author: Obviously, man! There's no way on Earth we'd be able to top a chapter like that!
Xalin:…Please tell me you're not serious, otherwise I'll have to smother you to death with a flaming towel.
Author: Of course I'm not serious, idiot. Batter, you could tell I was being sarcastic, couldn't ya?
Batter: Yeah, but it was pretty obvious to me. You aren't THAT stupid, Author. Case-in-point, you hired me. That's a pretty ingenious move.
Zelda: You are so full of yourself for a little waffle.
Batter: WAFFLES ARE THE SUPERIOR SPECIES! –runs away-
Author: Very odd….LET'S GET STARTED, BITCHES! I'M AMPED UP FROM LISTENING TO METALLICA! WOOOOOOOOOOO!
Awesome! You finally killed Ruto using the Chapter 1 death threat!
Zelda:(dare) Bang all of the guys (including the lesbian) and then choose which guy you liked best! Then have that guy and Nabooru go in a dark closet together (since she's the best of the female bangers)! Then let's find out what happens in the explosion that's bound to occur from in the closet!
Author:(dare) Trick Zelda and Xalin into going skinny dipping. Then steal their clothes while they're still in the water, and send all of the fangirls to Xalin and all of the fanboys to Zelda! (maniacal laugh)
Link:(truth) Did you ever get high off of Navi's fairy dust?
All OoT characters:(truth) Read The Ocarina of Time: The Reality Show by Jane O'Callaghan on this website and then tell me each of your reactions as to how you were portrayed! It was last updated on August 22nd, so just search under the Humor Genre of Zelda fics and you'll soon find it!
For my last bit of chaos today...(feeds Navi and Midna tons of Pixie Sticks, then runs away at a speed that puts Sonic to shame)
Author: What can I say, man? I aim to please the readers with massive amounts of gore!
Ganondorf: Hooray for massive amounts of gore!
Author: Hooray, indeed. Now then, Zelda, get in that bedroom, and take these birth control pills. –hands Zelda a bottle of pills, then sends guys in one-at-a-time-
1 HOUR LATER…
Zelda: -comes out of the bedroom with her hair sticking up all over the place- Vaati. He's actually pretty good, despite his Legolas complex.
Vaati: Tell me something I don't know. –beams proudly, then grabs Nabooru and drags her into a closet-
10 MINUTES LATER…
Ilia: I'm booooorredd…
Author: Shaddup. That whiny attitude is the reason you have a fanfic on this site devoted solely to killing you.
Vaati & Nabooru: -both come out, sweating and panting-
Xalin: Jeez, what did you two DO to each other in there? There are RUG BURNS all over your bodies, and there aren't even any rugs in there!
Vaati: You don't really wanna know. –faints from exhaustion-
Author: -reads dare- HOORAY! AUTHOR POWERS! –hypnotizes Zelda and Xalin to go skinny dipping with each other-
Xalin: I…..hate….you…..-sees Zelda naked-….I…..take…that….back….
Author: You're going to hate me even more for this. –summons fangirls and fanboys-
Xalin: You're…..right…-gets ripped apart by fangirls-
Author: Fun times, fun times…-steals Zelda and Xalin's clothes-
Link: No, I haven't.
Author: That wasn't fun…DANCE, BITCH, DANCE! –starts shooting at Link's feet with a machine gun turret-
Link: GAAH! –starts hopping up and down wildly-
Author: I'm only going to do this for a few characters…Actually, only two.
Ganondorf: I hated it! It made me look like a little kid!
Zelda: Why did they give me short-term memory loss? It was annoying.
Author: Hooray for dodging a potentially massive bullet! NEXT DARES!
Haha! I liked when you made Xalin give you potato chips... Except it makes me hungry XD And yay name making-up-ness! I feel so... -sniffle- accomplished.
Link: Sing "Ain't no Mountain High Enough" (By Aretha Franklin..?) while eating ten saltine crackers, no water.
Author: Steal the ocarina of time, and force Ganondorf to do soemthing humiliating, over and over again! You can pick the humiliation, I can't think of anything XP
Batter: -Gets thrown to hungry hungry hippos-
Xalin: Tie Navi up by a string like a pinata and... Well, the rest is easy :3
Link: The saltine cracker part is fine by me, but I am NOT singing that song!
Author: Too bad. –forces crackers down his throat and threatens him to sing at gunpoint- SING, DAMMIT!
Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough (Say it again)
Ain't no river wild enough
To keep me from gettin' to you
Author: Good enough, now stop. That song annoys me. –shoots Link in the kneecap, then moves on to the next dare- Oooh, a dare for me! I get to force Ganondorf into a humiliating situation! HOORAY! –forces Ganondorf to go skinny dipping in a giant bowl of cake frosting in front of an entire convention of chefs-
Ganondorf: GAAAAAHH! Can this get any worse?
Author: Yes. –plays the Song of Time to replay the incident over and over and over again- Yaaaayy! –happy dance-
Batter: WHAT? But…But you named me! I'm like your waffle child! NOOOOOOO! –gets thrown to hungry, hungry hippos-
Author: Poor, poor little waffle guy.
Xalin: YAAAAYY! It's just like in Chapter 2 when Author bashed Navi around! I WANTS MY CANDY! –ties Navi onto a string, then proceeds to beat her mercilessly with a random assortment of blunt weaponry-
Author: Déjà vu….NEXT DARES!
LOL man... so cool!
Batter: You're the awesomest waffle ever! XD Do you like being an actor?
Zelda: Sorry... -sighs- anyways... Go to an open resturant just for yourself or invite Idc.
Author: Is Zelda looking? Go trash her time at the resturant.
Vaati: Legolas? Awsome! Can you drive people crazy? Do that..
Author: Did you like that ultimate power? It was cool wasn't it? lol, YOU'RE WELCOME!
Author: Thanks, I know that I'm cool.
Xalin: Egotistical jackass.
Author: I know, I know.
Batter: Why, thank you. Being an actor is cool, for sure.
Zelda: Really…? I'm touched. Thank you. –goes to a restaurant by herself-
Xalin: All right…How are you going to trash her time?
Author: You'll see. –evil laugh-
-AT THE RESTURANT-
Zelda: -sighs happily- It's nice to finally have some time away from those fucking nutjobs at the studio. No fanboys, no life-threatening dares, no need to have sex with every guy in the freaking studio…Just me, my thoughts, and a cup of coffee.
Author: -talking to an army of fanboys- All right, men. You know what your mission is, correct?
Fanboy #1: Sir, yes, sir! Surround Zelda so that you may torture her, sir!
Author: Good! All right men…MOVE OUT! GO, GO, GOOO! –signals fanboy army to move forward and surround Zelda-
Zelda: Huh? –notices a stampede of fanboys- Oh Goddesses, no... –fanboys surround her-
Author: Hello…Princess….-steps forward from the ring- It appears that you have a dare involving a guillotine and this army of fanboys. You must screw each and every one of them, or else you shall have your head cut off. Refuse, and get trampled.
Zelda: -cries a bit, then faints-
Fanboy army: -piles on top of Zelda-
Author: Whoa….Ouch…..That's just harsh…I didn't even mean it…..I'M not even that cruel….Wow, I didn't know somebody's spine could bend like that. Yeesh…I'm out of here. –warps back to the studio with Zelda in tow-
Vaati: It is awesome, but I can't drive anyone crazy, unfortunately…
Author: I did like having ultimate power, it was a lot of fun. And thanks. NEXT DARES!
hahahahahahahahaha you are highlarious
ok dare ganondorf to give a heart warming speech to the families of the waffle army while eating batter.
drench the fangirls in gasoline and let them mob xaln when he has a light lighter/ blowtorch in his hand and see what happens
thats al i have now but keep up the great work
Author: Thanks, new reader! Wait…NEW READER! YAY! –puts gusgdog through the new reader initiation ceremony, involving having him crucify a PS1 and slapping him in the face with a dead fish-
Malon: You treat your readers so well.
Author: Just like family. BATTER! Come here, you've gotta get eaten by Ganondorf.
Batter: WHAT? But…But I'm too young and pretty and amazing and cool and awesome to die!
Author: Too bad. –hypnotizes Ganondorf to eat Batter while giving a sentimental speech to the other waffle soldiers' families-
Ganondorf: The waffles that I brought into battle with me…-chomp-…were good men…I was proud to have them under my wing…-bite-…And you should all be proud that they died such valiant deaths….Now then, please…Enjoy your waffle dinner.
Little waffle girl: -crying- Mommy, I think he's making me eat my brother! –crying-
Ganondorf: -gets skewered on a fork by an angry waffle mob, giving Batter a chance to escape-
Batter: -escapes, panting heavily as he does so- MY GOD, I thought I was doomed!...YOU BASTARD! –attacks Author-
Author: GET OFFA ME! –throws Batter into a wall, knocking him out, then reads dare- Ooh, a fangirl bonfire! Xalin, you get the flamethrower, I'll get the gasoline! –dumps gasoline all over a now-swarming army of fangirls-
Xalin: You fangirls are gonna scream REAL good before you die! –torches them all-
Author: WOO! NEXT DARES!
Link (D): I dare you to kiss Zelda for a full ten minutes
Tetra (D): I dare you to go with Toon Link on a date to whacth to movie saw and cuddle with him evreytime you get scared.
Zant (d): I dare you to make out with Midna
Vatti (D): I dare you to eat ou the whole wrolds stock of ice cream
Gannondorf (D): I dare you to stay in a room with Navi and you can't hurt her for a whole week!
All of the girls (D): I dare you all to pole dabce in front of the guys, and there eyes have to be whacthing one of them
- Otofan o/o
Link: YES! –makes out with Zelda for 10 minutes straight-
Author: Aww, how sweet….I HATE SWEET! –shoves them both into a cannon and fires them directly at the sun-
Tetra: No! I refuse! –pirate pride kicks in-
Author: TOO BAD! AUTHOR POWERS! –hypnotizes Tetra to go watch the movie Saw and leap into Toon Link's lap every time she got scared-
Toon Link: Thank you!
Author: You're welcome.
Zant: I'D LOVE TO! –forcefully makes out with Midna for a minute-
Midna: HELP! HELP! RAPE! RAAAAPPEE! –runs away-
Author: Ouch…Not smooth, dude.
Vaati: But…But….But it'll destroy my Legolas figure!
Xalin: -holds Vaati's mouth open with a carjack and shovels ice cream down his throat-
-5 HOURS LATER-
Xalin: Well then…How do you feel?
Vaati: Nya….Nyaaaghh….My…my head…..Brain….BRAIN FREEEEEEEEZE!
Author: OH SHIT! HE'S GONNA BLOW!
Vaati: -explodes in a massive clusterfuck of ice cream and vital organs-
Dark Link: AAGH! Some of the blood got in my mouth!
Author: Eeeeeeww…..Didn't need to know that.
Ganondorf: -chokes on the ice cream he was eating after reading his dare- GAAAAAHH! I HATE that little fairy!
Midna: Don't worry, this just means that you two get to spend some "quality time" together! –shoves them both in a closet with security as tight as the Pentagon, then leaves them alone-
-ONE WEEK LATER-
Author: Well then, let's check on those two! –opens the door to have Ganondorf tumble out with his ears bleeding, dead-
Xalin: Holy crap, Navi, you killed him!
Navi: Really? I hadn't noticed. –continues talking into Ganondorf's lifeless eyes-
Author: For the sake of my sanity, I'm not going to bother deciphering that dare's typos. If you could clarify, ottofan, I could put it in the next chapter. NEXT DARES!
Yay! I got credit! ... Erm erm, anyway... Here's some spare dares to work with, just in case...
Batter: I dare you to sing... The waffle song! Uh, I don't really know what it's called but... (It goes like: "Do you like waffles? YEAH WE LIKE WAFFLES! Do you like pancakes? YEAH WE LIKE PANCAKES!) Then get the other to join in and... You might want to run for you life afterwards.
Ganondorf: Stare at the sun for one hour... Don't worry, it won't hurt you... Well, sort of XD
Author-dude/Xalin/Link/Dark Link: Squeeze into one tea cup (The ride kind, not the tea time one... X3) and spin as fast as you can... while singing: "We are family." Also, afterwards, try to walk across a wooden beam over a pond of piranas... Yay piranas!
Zelda: Learn to fly... somehow..? If you can't, Ganondorf gets to go on another date with you! Yay! Have fun with Mr. Orange Hair-Triforce of Power-Waffle loving- Cone head!
All I have... pretty boring... but... I'm sure you can use author powers to make them better XD
Author: Of course I know the Waffle Song!...But not in a good way. It gets stuck in my head too easily. Ugh….I'm not gonna like this dare. Do it, Batter.
DO YOU LIKE WAFFLES?
YEAH, WE LIKE WAFFLES!
DO YOU LIKE PANCAKES?
YEAH, WE LIKE PANCAKES!
DO YOU LIKE FRENCH TOAST?
YEAH, WE LIKE FRENCH TOAST!
DO-DO-DO-DO, CAN'T WAIT TO GET A MOUTHFUL!
Author: GAH! STOP, DAMMIT, STOP!
Xalin: Good job, you annoyed him to a point of rage! BRAVO! –applauds Batter-
Author: -revives Ganondorf and brings back Link and Zelda- Ganondorf, you've got a dare.
Ganondorf: Stare at the sun? NO PROBLEM! –stares-
-ONE HOUR LATER-
Author: Ganondorf, you can sto—HOLY SHIT!
Ganondorf: -his eyes resemble burnt pieces of bacon-…What? What is it?
Author: Eeehh…Nothing….Next dare…-grabs Link, Dark, and Xalin and throws them into a teacup- And now to liven this dare up! ONI! GET OVER HERE!...MIDNA WANTS TO GIVE YOU A LAP DANCE!
Oni: -runs to the studio at the speed of light- Who said what to my what-now?
Author: GET IN HERE! –drags Oni into the teacup, and cranks the speed up to full-
Oni: WHAT'RE WE DOING?
Author: We're getting dizzy, then walking across a beam with piranhas underneath us!
Oni: Oh…Sounds like fun!
-10 MINUTES LATER-
All: -throwing up from dizziness-
Oni: -tries to walk a straight line, but face-plants after two steps-
Dark: -tries walking across the beam, but slips on her own puke and gets torn apart by piranhas-
Link: -face-plants on the beam, breaking it, sending him hurtling down to the piranhas' area with splinters in his face, and ending the dare-
Author: Oh thank God….We're done….-projectile pukes all over Xalin's face- Next dare…
Zelda: WHAT? But…Hylians can't fly!
Author: Well…You'd better learn fast. Ganondorf's just getting his cologne and his fancy suit of armor. –puts on Foo Fighter's "Learn To Fly"-
Zelda: Eeehhh….This is hopeless….Wait, I have the Triforce of Wisdom! –starts an ancient mystical chant, eventually allowing Nayru to bestow the gift of flight upon her-
Author: Uuuhh…Did I just miss something? WTF WAS THAT?
Zelda: -starts flying-
Ganondorf: Well, my dear, are you ready to…-sees Zelda flying- OH COME ON! DAMMIT! –runs off crying-
Author: Finally, we're done!
A/N: WOOOO! Today, August 30, is my birthday! Please wish me a happy 16th birthday, or else I'll sodomize you with a shovel…And I don't mean the handle!...Yes, I know I'm a bastard.
Second, the last lyric game's answer was Desperado by the Eagles. Here's this chapter's lyric game.
Push the fader, gifted animator
One for the now and eleven for the later
Never made it, Up to Minnessota
North Dakota man was a gunnin' for the quota
Down in the badlands she was saving the best for last
it only hurts when I laugh
Gone too fast
Also, the dreaded leviathan of a time-eater known as "school" is coming up soon, so updates may not be as frequent. I'll try to update when I can, but I don't know when that will be.
Also again, that fanfic that was devoted solely to killing Ilia that I mentioned is called "100 Ways to Kill Ilia" by MidnightCrystalSage. Check it out if you wanna see some good, structured gore and pain. I RECOMMEND IT!
And, finally, R&R! PLEASE! Give me the birthday present of a good review! It's all I want! (That, and a massage chair….)
|Tue Jun 08, 2010 6:28 pm
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:51 pm
Re: Truth or Dare: Legend of Zelda
Author: -crying quietly in a corner while mumbling something about something that is stealing my soul-
Malon: What's HIS problem?
Xalin: He's got his first day of school tomorrow.
Ganondorf: Ouch, sucks to be him…Wait, shouldn't he be asleep instead of writing this chapter?
Author: -comes out of the corner- Yeah, I should, but I just wanted to get one more chapter done before the infernal monster that steals a child's free time comes to claim my soul for another 9 months. So let's get busy!
Ruto: He's going to go batshit crazy…I can feel it.
Author: WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY MOTHER? –mercilessly beats Ruto with Link's head, which I tore off with rusty pliers-I feel your pain from the waffle song... My friend sung it once, and I've had it stuck in my head for two weeks... (Unhappy twitching) ... Anyway! Happy Birthday! Where I live, you could have your driver's liscense right now, but I don't know if it's the same XD Sorry Batter, too, I only just realized you're my waffle son... thing...
Dark Link and Link: Sing "Guy Love" from the scrubs! (I love that song X3)
Ganondorf: Sing the "Cuppycake" song... If you need help finding it, check youtube... It scares me, but makes me crack up. XD
Everyone: Congrats! You've just been selected to play Survivor! Author, you can be the host or Xalin can if you want to participate... My parents are addicted to this show...
That's all I have... Also! I definitely know this song: Dani California by the Red Hot Chili Peppers! I love their song called Snow... (Hey-oh, either one you wanna call it..)
Author: You are correct! The song is Dani California. –gives you two cookies- I wanted to choose a song by them that people would know, but it would still be a little obscure. Also, I just got my driver's permit today! WOO! I'm street legal!...But I still need a parent in the car…Shit….
Xalin:….Are you done?
Author: Yes. –reads first dare-…I love you, O Scrubs sister. Dark Link, you're Turk.
Dark: But I'm not black! Or a guy!
Author: But you're cooler than Link anyways…or should I say J.D…Whatever, just sing it!Link: Let's face the facts about me and you,
A love unspecified.
Though I'm proud to call you Chocolate Bear,
The crowd will always talk and stare…
Dark: I feel exactly those feelings too,
And that's why I keep them inside.
'Cuz this bear can't bear the world to stare,
And sometimes it's easier to hide.
Both: Then explain our guy love,
That's all it is.
Guy love, he's mine, I'm his.
There's nothing gay about it,
In our eyes…
Dark: You ask me 'bout this thing we share,
Link: And he tenderly replies…
Both: It's guy love, between two guys.
Dark: We're closer than the average man-and-wife,
Link: That's why our matching bracelets say Turk and J.D!
Dark: You know I'll stick by you for the rest of my life.
Link: You're the only man who's ever been inside of me!
Dark: Whoa, whoa, I just took out his appendix.
Link: There's no need to clarify…
Dark: Oh, no?
Link: Just let it grow more and more each day…
It's like I married my best friend,
Dark: But in a TOTALLY MANLY WAY!
Both: LET'S GO!
It's guy love, don't compromise
The feeling of some other guy,
Holding up your heart into the sky…
Link: I'll be there to care through all the lows,
Dark: I'll be there to share the hiiiiighs…Unh!
Both: It's guy love, between two guys…
Link: And when I say, "I love you, Turk",
It's not what it implies…
Both: It's guy love…
-both embrace in a manly hug-
Author: -whistles while laughing- Awesome! It's like a live episode of Scrubs! (A/N: If you want an idea of what they're singing, look up Guy Love on Youtube. HAIL YOUTUBE!)
Ganondorf: Err…..Okay…-gets ready to sing-
Xalin: WAIT! –shoves Ganondorf into a giant cupcake costume- Now dance around like a toddler! OR ELSE! –points a sniper rifle at Ganondorf's neck-
Ganondorf: OKAY! Okay…-sings the cuppy cake song while waddling around like a penguin- (A/N: There's no way in hell I'm posting the lyrics. Sorry…. DON'T HATE ME!)
Author: Sweet! Survivor!
Xalin: I thought you hated that show.
Author: Not what I have in mind!
Link: Oh dear Goddesses…
-ON A REMOTE ISLAND-
Author: Welcome, one and all, to this fic's version of Survivor! The object of the game is to survive, obviously.
Midna: Uhh…Are we going to get voted off, like in the regular show?
Author: Oh, my, no…You have to survive…..Me. –steals Zelda's Triforce of Wisdom and obtains ultimate power again- I'LL GIVE YOU A ONE MILLISECOND HEAD-START. OKAY, I'M BORED! –fucking NUKES the surrounding area, killing everyone-
Xalin: -back in the studio- Looks like you had fun.
Author: Yeah. Unfortunately, I have to revive everybody. AUTHOR POWERS! –revives everybody…Except for Tingle- NEXT DARES!Hey its otofan, the last dare... right... sorry about that
All of the girls (D) I dare you to pole dance in front of all of the guys and they have to whacth.
Author: Believe me, man, you wouldn't have to dare the guys to watch a whole bunch of pole-dancing girls. AUTHOR POWERS! –hypnotizes the girls into performing very exotic pole-dances-
All the guys: -whistling and flirting, and some are even giving the girls green Rupees-
Author: Well, that was fun…Albeit short…And a bit boring for me…-runs over the girls with a steamroller- NEXT DARES!I saw your Truth or Dare fanfic! IT'S AWESOME!
I dare Link to go out with me (I have a crush with him, so don't ask.
I dare Ganondorf to dance to the caramelldansen!
I dare Navi to try to play the ocarina :3
I dare tingle to make me a map of hyrule! 8D
I dare Author to add me! (If it's possible.
I dare everyone, after doing their dares, to dance "Danjo"! (If you don't
know what Danjo is then look at this video:
I know, i lake stupid dares, but i want to see them doing those. :3
Link: Err…Okay…-goes out on a romantic date under the moonlight with Virus Queen-
Zelda, Ruto, Ilia, and Malon: -glaring at them with obvious jealousy-
Ganondorf: Aww, come on! I just danced to that song last chapter!
Author: DANCE, MUTHAFUCKA! –throws grenades down at Ganondorf's feet-
Ganondorf: DEAR GODDESSES! –dances the caramelldansen-
Navi: Err…I'll try…-blows into the ocarina-
Ocarina: -emits a shrieking noise that sounds a lot like the words "HEY, LOOK, LISTEN".
Zelda: OH DEAR SWEET GODDESSES, THE NOISE!
Vaati: IT'S TURNING MY EARS INTO FOUNTAINS OF BLOOD!
Author: GAAAAAHHH! –shoots Navi and the ocarina- Thank God that's over…-reads next dare- Aww, man, we have to bring Tingle back? Uggh…-revives Tingle-
Tingle: TINGLE, TINGLE, KOOL-
Author: DON'T. YOU. DARE. –points a shotgun at his face-
Tingle: -shuts up and draws a map of Hyrule for Virus Queen-
Author: All right. You're done. –smashes his head with the butt of the shotgun, knocking him out-
Xalin: Author, we've got another one.
Author: Another what? –reads next dare-…Sorry, but I'm not taking co-authors. Also, I can't access that link, soooo…..NEXT DARES!Awsome chapter!Now to think of some dares -thinks to the point of near explosion-
Everyone:fearfactor style! You all have to eat some gross dishes that Link has to make.
Batter:Got into a restrurant on a breakfast buffet day!
Link:sky dive into a pit of lava
Navi:go to a gamer expo and talk like you never talked before and see haow long it takes before everyone tries to kill you.
Author:take all three triforces and use it to your will. Have fun!
Link: Hey, my cooking isn't THAT bad!
Xalin: Please, man, I saw a puppy eat that calzone you made the other day, and the poor dog just died, right there on the spot.
Author:….Link, give everybody homemade calzones.
-ONE CALZONE TASTING LATER-
Everybody: -throwing up, clutching their stomachs in agony, and other general signs of discontent-
Author: Wow, that's just like that puking scene from Family Guy!...Anyways, Batter, you're up next.
Batter: -reads dare- GAAH! Why does everyone want me to be eaten?
Author: -kicks Batter into a nearby all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet-
Batter: Hey, everybody…What's going on?...Hey, what're you doing with that fork?...What are you doing with that syrup? Hey, HEY! Quit holding me down! LEMME GO! HELP! HEL-AAAAAAGGHH! HE'S EATING MY LEG! HE'S EATING MY LEG!
Link: -reads dare-…I hate you all…-skydives into a volcano just as it erupts and gets toasted to a crisp-
Navi: -reads dare- Uhh…Okay….-goes to a gamer expo, flies to the announcement booth, and takes control of the speakers-
Angry Mob: -goes up to the announcement booth and lights the room on fire, burning Navi to a crisp-
Author: -reads dare-…You don't even have to dare me to do that! –takes the Triforce pieces and goes crazy for a few hours-
-A FEW HOURS LATER-
Author: NEXT DARES!I hope you enjoyed your birthday! I've got a couple of things here, but I'll think of some better ones soon!
Oni:(T and D) Did you like Midna? Well, now I'll set up another chick for you...Tetra! (hypnotizes Tetra into thinking Oni is...um...Captain Jack Sparrow! Perfect!) Go for it, Oni!
Ganondorf:(T) When you controlled Zelda and had her fight Link in Twilight Princess, why didn't you have her fight him on the ground? He wouldn't have had the will to hurt Zelda with his own sword, and you could've killed him then!
Link:(D) Kill Ganondorf with waffles! I don't care how you do it, just figure out a way!
Batter:(D) Fight a pancake and a french toast in a 3-way match for the title of ultimate breakfast treat!
All except Author:(D) You guys may have escaped Navi and Midna's sugar high last chapter, but now you shall not! (places them in a heavily locked room surrounded on the outside by fangirls, then feeds Navi and Midna all the coffee in the world) Now the chaos I intended can occur!
Author: (hands some popcorn, stretches out lawn chair, and gives a TV monitor displaying the inside of the heavily locked room to author) This is your totally awesome birthday performance! Enjoy watching from the outside the insanity that happens inside!
Oni: -randomly appears next to Midna- Why, yes, yes I did…-eyes Midna flirtatiously-
Midna: -sighs and backs away-
Oni: -looks over at Tetra- Dude, she's like, 12 years old! That's not cool!
Author: AUTHOR POWERS! –hypnotizes Tetra into thinking that Oni is Jack Sparrow-
Tetra:…EEEEE! CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW! OMYGODOMYGODOMYGOD, I'm your biggest fan! Please, autograph my ship!
Oni: Oh Goddesses, she's turned into a fangirl! That's even worse! –runs back to his dimension-
Author: -dehypnotizes Tetra-
Ganondorf: Nintendo demanded in my contract that we make some kind of reference to the standard "hit certain projectile back at final boss to damage him", and I had too many other ideas too good to let go.
Link: OKAY! –shoves waffles down Ganondorf's throat, suffocating him-
Author: Batter, I'd like you to meet your opponents: Flip the Pancake, and Frenchy the French Toast.
Flip: GYAYHAHHAAHAHA! I'M CRAZY, BITCHES!
Frenchy: Oui, oui, you arr quite craz-ee. –annoying laugh-
Batter:...You've gotta be fucking with me.
Author: READY….FIGHT! –ding, ding-
-ONE BREAKFAST-BASED FIGHT SCENE LATER-
Author: The winner is…BATTER!
Batter: -waves to the crowd, covered in crumbs and maple syrup-
Crowd: -cheers and applause-
Author: -gets ready for the next dare- This is going to be goooood. Thanks for the gift, jackattack. –eats some popcorn-
Navi: -ARMAGEDDON OF "HEYLOOKLISTEN"!-
Midna: -uses the Fused Shadows to poke everybody all at once while bouncing off the walls-
Author: AWESOME! Next dares! –goes back to watching more random chaos-lol! God man you're the most awsome person eva! Anywho... this one's from Manny, you know my Bf (best FRIEND! DAMMIT) Ah-hem
Everyone except Author: Get's locked in a room with Navi.
Author: Create another bonfire of fangirls... and throw Zeldafan in there too. -get's slapped- owch! Ok not her...
Batter: Betcha you hate it now... heheh, Get thrown to a flock of pigeons and be eaten SLOWLY! HAHAHA!
Ok, it's back to me Zeldafan now, sorry he's a moron anywho, LOVED THE CHAPTER!
-AmazingZeldaFan and her friend, Manny
Author: Yeah, I know I'm the most awesome person eva…-EGO OVERFLOW-…Ehh…We just did that first dare….Ah well, it's still fun to do! –locks everybody in a closet with Navi-
Navi: -MORE "HEYLOOKLISTEN"! THE HORROR!-
Xalin: MY EARS!
Zelda: THE NOISE! IT BUUUURRNSSSSS!
Author: Woo! More fangirl-bonfire-based goodness! –roasts a crowd of fangirls with a flamethrower- And don't worry about getting hurt, Manny. YOU'RE BOTH GETTING THROWN IN THE FIRE! –throws AmazingZeldaFan and Manny into the bonfire, causing the flames to shoot up to the sky- YOU BOTH SHALL BURN IN THE SATAN-SPAWNED INFERNOS OF HELL! !...
Ahem…Sorry, I've been playing a lot of Soul Calibur 4. Cervantes, Nightmare, and Tira are crazy!
Batter: Aw, come ON! –gets picked up by some random old lady, gets picked apart into little crumbs, and is thrown to the pigeons-
Author: Woo! We're done! –roasts s'mores over the fangirl bonfire-
A/N: Another chapter is done! Hooray!...But it's the last one before I start my junior year…
What this means is that I'll have less free time, so I probably won't be able to write these all out in one sitting, like I normally do. This MAY mean slower updates, but I'll try not to let that happen.
Also, yes, the lyrics from last chapter were from Dani California by Red Hot Chili Peppers. Here's this chapter's lyrics:
The lunatic is in my head…
The lunatic is in my head…
You raise the blade,
You make the change,
You rearrange me 'til I'm sane.
You lock the door,
And throw away the key.
There's someone in my head,
But it's not me.
Extra cookies if you can name the album!
And, of course, there's one more little thing….SCRUBS RULES! WOOOOOOOOO!
|Tue Jun 08, 2010 6:40 pm
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:51 pm
Re: Truth or Dare: Legend of Zelda
Preemptive A/N: Hey, everybody!
Xalin: Holy crap, a PRE-CHAPTER note from this lazy bastard? IT'S A SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE!
Author: Shaddup. –shoots Xalin in the kneecap- Anyways, I'm going to say this straight out…This is NOT a usual truth-or-dare torture chapter.
LoZ Cast and Batter: YES! THANK YOU, GODDESSES!
Link: Finally, a break!
Author: Hold it, don't celebrate just yet. Since this isn't my usual festival of pain inflicted upon others, you might be wondering what in the hell this is all about. Well, I want to try and write other fics aside from this one, but I want some feedback on my regular prose writing beforehand, rather than writing everything as if it were a screenplay. So, every once in a while, I may post chapters like these, in which I elaborate on a scene from the past chapters of this fic that I liked and that I feel deserve to be explained.
Malon: So, what are you going to do for the first one of these?
Author: The giant gladiator toothpick fighting tournament dare from chapter 4! WOOOO!
Navi: I remember that! I beat Xalin in the finals and got this cool trophy! –holds up her awesome, huge, toothpick-shaped trophy-
Ganondorf: Heh, yeah, I remember that. But how are you going to write a chapter about it, man?
Link: Yeah, you pressed the montage button and skipped everything but the final fight, then you half-assed your way out of a proper fight scene.
Author: Just shut up so that I can actually write, all right? –points an RPG at everyone-
Batter: This is gonna be goooood….
The time: High noon.
The place: An ancient coliseum, found within a mysterious desert.
What the hell was going on: A tournament. A gladiator tournament, as a matter of fact.
However, these gladiators were not what you would imagine. They were not carrying short swords or shields, battling valiantly against lions for the entertainment of the emperor, just to ensure that they would live another day.
No, these gladiators were, in the order of their brackets: A fairy, an usurper king, an elf, a fish-creature, a weapons-enthusiast, a being of twilight, a dark thief, and a princess.
Their weapons of choice: giant toothpicks.
Their prize: a big, shiny trophy. The one who orchestrated it all: A devilishly handsome and tyrannical being with awesome powers, equal to those of a deity. And he was the announcer.
May the goddesses help them all.
Cut forward to the final match.
The fairy vs. the weapons-enthusiast. The battles were long and hard-fought, but the climactic, awe-inspiring finale to the entire day's events was at last at hand.
Not many people could believe that the fairy had come that far. And this fairy, a fuzzy-looking blue ball of light with wings, looked back on the past matches as she walked out into the arena.
In the quarter-finals, the fairy fought against the usurper king. While the false ruler fought hard, trying to knock her out of the air with energy blasts of a strange magic origin, the fairy ducked and weaved in between each individual bolt, eventually stabbing the man straight through the skull. The announcer, being the deity he was, revived the usurper king, as he would with all the losers, and declared Navi the winner.
In the semi-finals, she had to fight against the elf, a long-time travelling companion. They recently had gotten into a fight which left them feeling very awkward when around one another. But during this fight, all that nervousness was stripped away. All that was left was the knocking of wood upon wood, as the two combatants exchanged vicious blows. But when the elf had the chance to finish his opponent, he stopped, unsure of killing his companion. The fairy took this chance without a moment's hesitation, cleaving straight through the elf's waist.
Just like that, the fairy found herself in the finals. People weren't cheering her name, despite the fact that she was this tournament's dark horse. The crowd, instead of cheering, threw random things at her when she walked out into the arena. But she didn't mind. She was in this tournament to win the big, shiny trophy. That was all.
But to get to that big, shiny trophy, she would have to take down her opponent first; she hovered as she watched him step out onto the field.
The weapons-enthusiast, a cloak-wearing, mullet-headed jackass, stared his opponent down with piercing green eyes as he stepped out into the arena. He didn't even bother looking around the arena at the hundreds of cheering spectators. He didn't bat an eye at the smitten women proclaiming their "undying love" for him and his ridiculous mullet.
He only looked at his opponent with a soul-freezing glare that could send an ordinary man into a state of total fear. This weapons-enthusiast KNEW, without a doubt in his mind, that he would completely obliterate this annoying bitch of a fairy.
The quarterfinal and semifinal matches were just minor obstacles on the enthusiast's road to the finals, and his fight with the fairy. In the quarterfinals, he fought against the being of twilight. This being had ancient and powerful magic, bestowed upon her by her tribe. The enthusiast knew this, and so he relentlessly kept up a powerful offense. Before she could use her magic to its full potential and secure her victory, he hacked off her limbs, leaving her completely immobile.
Then, in the semifinals, he fought against the dark thief. This thief was ridiculously powerful, combining dark magic, crushing fisticuffs, and merciless swordplay. However, with this amazing power came a sacrifice of speed. The enthusiast used this to his advantage, literally running circles around his opponent and poking him all over. This enraged the thief, blinding him with fury. The enthusiast took this as an opportunity, and chopped the thief into little, itty, bitty pieces.
However, the enthusiast paid no heed towards these victories. He solely wanted to focus on this match, and this match alone. He had been waiting for his chance to show what he could do with a weapon, and the final match was that perfect chance. Plus, he could finally off that annoying fairy and get a cool trophy for it. It was a win-win situation; he just had to win first.
And he was GOING to win. He could feel it in his toothpicks.
The crowd's frenzied cheering was reaching a fevered pitch; the deity knew that it was time to start the finale. He took hold of the microphone, held it up to his lips, and began the commentating. The speakers boomed out his every word.
"Ladies and gentlemen! Fight fans, all! The moment you all have waited for is finally upon us! At last, after all these truly explosive bouts, it is time for the finale! The most explosive battle of this tournament is at last at hand!" The deity's words electrified the audience, so he decided to get to the part that everyone wanted to hear. "The matches have been long and hard fought, but at last, it all comes down to two lone competitors!"
"In the red corner, weighing in at 6 grams, we have an annoying blue ball of floating fuzz that enjoys pleasuring herself with Link's hair. She's the flying bitch extraordinaire, NAVI!"
The crowd began booing and throwing random objects at Navi as she floated out onto the arena, such as food, balled-up pieces of paper, and even articles of clothing.
Navi wasn't distracted by this. She wasn't even aware when some sick drunk threw his six-year old son out into the arena in an effort to hit Navi, and missed by a few inches. She was too preoccupied with meeting the enthusiast's stare with one of her own; a determined stare, one that resolutely said, 'I'm not going down without a fight, you got it?'
After some paramedics scraped the six-year old boy's guts off the floor and cleared out, the deity continued his introductions. "And, in the blue corner, weighing in at 195 lbs, is a total weapons-junkie, plain and simple! He's the mullet-headed love of far too many fangirls to number, it's XALIN!"
The women in the crowd started squealing like little fangirls when Xalin walked out into the arena. A sudden gust of wind caused his mullet and cloak to whip around him wildly, causing the fangirls to scream even more.
Xalin didn't let this distract him. He was too busy trying to psyche Navi out. However, he noticed that she was meeting his glare on an even level, even returning one of her own. He could see the determination and confidence in her eyes…But he knew…He knew…
He knew that the bigger their egos were, the harder they took the fall. He knew he was going to enjoy his victory all the more thanks to this fact.
Xalin grabbed his toothpick and, to the audience's surprise, broke it in half. He then took a spare toothpick and clenched it between his teeth. He turned from a man into a deadly machine, and all his focus was zoned in on Navi.
Navi, on the other hand, went under a much greater transformation. After seeing Xalin's preparation, she did something that nobody could expect: Somehow, out of thin air, a full suit of samurai armor, helmet and all, materialized around Navi's body, levitating around her in a haunting fashion. This display of paranormal bravado resembled a ghost taking control of a mere shell. Navi stretched her new body out as a toothpick slowly levitated towards her. When the toothpick neared her body, it started floating and spinning around Navi's body, like a protective shield. She then lashed it out and around, swinging it with the skill of an expert, as quick as lightning.
The crowd gasped at this sudden transformation. In the past fights, she only fought with her toothpick; she never displayed an ability of this kind. Even Xalin was rather impressed. Navi smirked at their reactions; she could tell that this fight was truly going to hold their attention until the very bitter end.
The deity got the combatant's attention. "Are the fighters ready?" Both fighters nodded. The deity smiled. "Then let's get this fight underway!"
Xalin and Navi stared each other down for a moment longer, waiting for the other to make a move, exploit a weakness, ANYTHING that they could take advantage of.
Navi got tired of waiting. She charged at Xalin, floating along the ground, with her toothpick ready to swing. Xalin took up a defensive position.
The deity looked on with a grin of anticipation plastered on his face. "It begins…"
Navi started out with a leg sweeping attack, which Xalin easily jumped over. Xalin responded by trying to smash Navi into the ground. But before he could even prepare a swing, she circled around him and was at his backside, about to end the battle before it even began with a stab to the back.
Xalin wasn't going to lose just yet, though; he used the momentum from his attempted swing to flip around to face Navi, upside-down, formed his toothpick halves into an X-shape, and CAUGHT the toothpick at it's point in between the toothpick halves, and completely jammed it with his mouth toothpick. He landed on his feet, with Navi's toothpick caught within his own.
Navi, however, easily yanked her toothpick out of his grasp and backed off to create a new plan of attack. But before she could, Xalin was all over her, swinging his weapons like a madman. Navi barely dodged the assault, but then started to play more defensively as she blocked and dodged Xalin's assault.
She finally parried one of Xalin's blows and sent him face-planting into the dirt, but he easily got back up as she approached him, grabbed her neck with his legs and flipped over, smashing her head into the ground. This sent Navi bouncing around inside the helmet.
Xalin, however, still wanted to play around for a little bit, so he backed off and waited for her to get up as he planned his next move. The crowd didn't completely approve of this, and almost started booing him, egging him into finishing her off. But Xalin ignored them. He'd rather have some fun in this match before completely destroying Navi.
The fairy slowly rose, a few dents clearly visible on her helmet from Xalin's leg-slam…thing. Navi still felt a little rattled, but she shook it off; she needed to clear her mind for her next attack. Her toothpick hovered off the ground for a moment before returning to her side. She was ready to make her final move.
Navi lifted her arm and pointed the palm of the samurai's glove at Xalin. Xalin, along with the rest of the crowd was very confused by this gesture. Navi gave a satisfied smirk at this look of bewilderment as she executed her plan.
And "execute" is the key word.
Before Xalin even knew what hit him, Navi's spare toothpick flew off the rack behind him, flew high into the air, flew back down, materializing like a phoenix soaring down to earth from the sun, and stabbed Xalin through the chest, pinning him to the wall all the way across the arena like a calendar. The end of the toothpick didn't even have any blood on it. Xalin had a shocked look on his face; his eyes screamed a thousand statements at once, the most prominent of which was "How did this happen," and "This isn't real! It CAN'T be real! How could I lose…to NAVI?"
Navi dashed up to him and cleanly pulled the toothpick from Xalin's body as his shocked expression gave way to closed eyes; a look of death. He slumped to the ground, and did not get back up.
The deity, the combatants, the entire crowd, EVERYONE was in awe at this mind-numbing twist of events. Not even Navi could completely believe that this plan worked, even though it went exactly as she had planned.
The deity finally spoke up, his voice clearly doused with excitement and a bit of shock. "UNBELIEVABLE! Never, in all my years of commentating, have I EVER seen a fight like this! The winner of this math is NAVIIIII!"
The crowd finally erupted into cheers after letting go of breaths they didn't even know they were holding. Navi finally relaxed, letting her armor and toothpicks fall to the ground, revealing a very excited fairy. She bobbed up and down in victory, as the trophy was carted over to her. She picked up the trophy. The crowd started chanting her name. It was like a picture-perfect scene from a movie, almost unreal. Navi could hardly believe it, but she had really done it. She had the big, shiny trophy.
But then what was left?
Now that she had a big, shiny trophy, what else could she do? Wander the earth listlessly, waiting for another competition with a big, shiny trophy as a reward? Travel from town to town, city to city, looking for opponents far and wide? Simply staying at home, and passing on her skills to an apprentice?
None of those things really appealed to her. So she did the only thing she thought would give her the same thrill of this tournament.
She disappeared. She disappeared, never to be seen again.
A/N: God, if only Navi could disappear in real life! My life would be complete!
Xalin: This story sucks.
Author: That's one man's opinion. Now shut up and let the readers give me their opinions.
Real A/N: Okay, first, I know that the main fight scene was a little short, but you can fill in some parts with some random clashes or something, like in Dragon Ball.
Second, if you want to send in more dares, go ahead. Just don't send too many in, otherwise my brain will fry up.
Third, I know this took a little bit longer to get out than my regular chapters, but I really want to try and create some new fics, and I want some advice and constructive criticism before releasing anything. Next chapter, we'll be back to the usual hacky, slashy maim-o-thon that you all have come to know and love.
Fourth, the answer to last chapter's lyric game was Brain Damage by Pink Floyd from the album Dark Side of the Moon. From Where Dragons Rule, you get a jar of cookies. The next lyrics are:
How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave?
'Cuz we've shared the laughter and the pain,
And even shared the tears.
You're the only one who really knew me at all.
I have a soft spot for this song. It was played at my middle school graduation ceremony.
And, finally, REVIEW! Seriously, it's REALLY important that you review this chapter, more important here than in other chapters. PLEASE REVIEW!
MORE A/N: I might post another of these, but I haven't posted another one yet. We'll just see what happens.
|Tue Jun 08, 2010 6:42 pm
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:51 pm
Re: Truth or Dare: Legend of Zelda
Author: Yay, my bonus chapter was well received!
Xalin: By like…3 people. Only one of which actually gave you any actual feedback.
Author: I don't care, I'm just happy for the reviews!
Ilia: Err…Why are you so happy?
Author: I've been listening to a shitload of comedy tracks! WOOO! Laughter is like a freakin' drug, man!
Xalin: No comment…
Author: DARE TIME! WHEEEEEEEEEE! –runs around the room-Hi! Love your story!
Dark: Go on a date with Navi for six hours and thirty-three minutes!
Link: Profess your undying love for Ruto in front of all the other girls!
Ganon and Tingle: Switch lives for two months, including clothes, powers, and mental stability!
That's all I can think of! -Emmi (Emeria-the-Neko-Hanyou99)
Author: Thanks! Always good to have a new reader.
Dark: -girly squeal- EEE! I've always wanted to have a romantic date with a fairy!
Navi: Ehhh…-backs away slowly-
Zelda: Is Navi getting…freaked out by this…?
Link:…KEEP FLIRTING, DARK! DO IT FOR ALL THE TIMES NAVI SHOUTED "HEYLOOKLISTEN" IN MY EAR!
Dark: -flirts with Navi, backing her into a corner-
Navi: -curls up in the fetal position, where she stays for 6 hours and 33 minutes-
Author: I'm counting that as the date. Next dare.
Link: -reads dare- Oh Goddesses, NO! Anything but THAT!
Ruto: Come on, you know you want to!
Link: NEVER! I REFUSE!
Author: Ugh…AUTHOR POWERS! –hypnotizes Link-
Link: -hearts appear in his eyes- I LOVE YOU RUTO, WITH ALL MY HEART AND BEING! –they begin to passionately make out-
Author: -snaps Link out of his trance while making out-
Link: -eyes widen after seeing his face anywhere NEAR Ruto's face- OH GODDESSES! –pukes in Ruto's mouth-
Ruto: -pukes projectile vomit all over the other LoZ girls-
LoZ girls: -pissed off- You did NOT just do that! –beat the shit out of Ruto-
Author: -laughing my ass off- I LOVE THIS FIC!
Vaati: Are you sure that's not just because you made it?
Author:…Damn you. You ruined my laughter. –shoots Vaati in the face with a shotgun- BWAHAHAHAAA! –puts on a Dick Cheney mask- I'm the Vice President! WOO! Next dare!
Ganon: -reads dare- NOOOOOOO! WHY, DIN, WHYYYYY? –crumples to the ground-
Tingle: -reads dare- Errr…Hooray? I think? I don't even know how to react!...-hugs Navi- FAIRY!
Navi: -pushes Tingle off and beats him to death with a golf club-
Author: I'm not reviving him. As entertaining as that dare would be to write about, Navi's killed one of the subjects. NEXT DARES!The song is Brain Damage by Pink Floyd from Dark Side of the Moon. Now to the dares!
Everyone except author:(D) see if you can survive being in the it's a small world ride for an entire week.
Author: see if you can add some monty python things.
Link:(D) try to fight the evil rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
I feel your pain. I've got school too. -goes to corner and cries.-
-From Where Dragons Rule
Author: One jar of cookies for you! –gives you a jar of cookies-
Zelda: But…But nobody could possibly do that! Most average people go insane after only two days!
Author: You heard the reviewer, now get in there! –shoves everyone into one tiny little cart and puts them on the "It's A Small World" ride-
-7 DAYS LATER-
Author: Well then, did you guys survive? –opens the cart to find everyone dead-... Huh. That's weird. –revives everyone- Now then, everybody, I have a very special meal for you all! And you have a choice!
Ganondorf: What do we get?
Author: I know that you have a picky tongue, Ganondorf, but this is something of a breakfast buffet. There's egg & bacon; egg, sausage & bacon; egg & SPAM; egg, bacon & SPAM; egg, bacon, sausage & SPAM; SPAM, bacon, sausage & SPAM; SPAM, egg, SPAM, SPAM, bacon & SPAM; SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, egg & SPAM; SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, baked beans, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM & SPAM; OR broiled lobster with a white clam sauce and a side of SPAM.
Random Viking Chorus:
SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM
SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM
SPAMMITY SPAAAAMM, SPAMMITY SPAAAMMM!
SPAMMITY SPAAAAMM, SPAMMITY SPAAAMMM!
Author: SHADDUP! SHADDUP! –bangs a wooden spoon on a pot-
Link: -reads dare- I have to fight…A BUNNY?
Author: Yes, you have to fight a bunny…WITH NASTY, BIG, POINTY TEETH!
Link: LEMME AT HIM!
Xalin: Fine then, your funeral. –leads link to the entrance of a cave-
Link: One rabbit stew, coming right up! –sees rabbit hop out from behind a rock-
-ONE SUPER BLOODY DEATH SCENE LATER-
Link: -dead, with a tiny fountain of blood squirting out from his jugular-
Author: SWEET! I love that bunny!...But, alas, I do not own it. –revives Link- Note to self: Edit the disclaimer chapter. NEXT DARES!Well, I was waiting for a chance to say my dare.
My dares...hm...oh, that's simple.
Have my voice coming out of a speaker somewhere in the room spitting out blackmail from my Devil's Handbook at all the characters. They'll never find where I am, anyhow.
Bandgeek99: Let me guess, in your weapon's catche.
TDCFH: DAMMIT! How did you know?
Depthmon: Cause she's your girlfriend.
TDCFH: -Beats the crap out of Depthmon-
Bandgeek99: Because that's where you always go where you hide.
TDCFH: Not my fault I own a weapon's catche more than a mile long packed with weapons from top to bottom.
Bandgeek99: It's a mile? -Faints-
TDCFH: How do you think it took 9 hours to go to the back and the front last time?
- The Deimon Commander from Hell
Author: Hey, I remember seeing you in Twitchy the Pyro's ToD fic.
Xalin: WEAPON CACHE! –breaks into TDCFH's weapon cache and ogles all the weaponry-
Author: Blackmail, huh? That's pretty good. Take it away.
-5 MINUTES LATER-
Author: Oh, here's a good one. –into microphone- Zelda, unless you want your daddy to find out who it was that lost his finest horse, you will come up here and…bring me a smoothie! Made from your own blood, sweat, and tears! And then you have to drink it in front of me!
-5 MORE MINUTES LATER-
Author: All right, enough fun with blackmail. Let's get back to the other dares…XALIN! Stop ogling TDCFH's weapons! –drags Xalin by his mullet back to the studio-
Xalin: NOO! I LOVE YOU! –reaching out to a laser sword with guns on it that shoots out other laser swords-As far as I know, you have NOT mentioned Ilia in this story. I love Twilight Princess, though I hate Ilia...so...dare time for Link. D
Link: I so dare you to propose to Midna in front of Ilia at Ordon spring.
Midna: I dare you to cry from joy and say yes.
Ilia: I dare you to scream around in circles and then slap Link.
Midna: I dare you to punch Ilia with your hooah powers and then escape to a romantic honeymoon with Link, making Ilia pull Epona to wherever you're going. (or whatever other cool torture idea you can think of!)
Author: I have mentioned Ilia, just not that much. But whatever! This looks promising! Link, propose! NOW!
Link: Midna…I've been meaning to ask you this question for a while….Will you….Marry me?
Midna: -cries from joy- Yes, oh Goddesses, YES! –kisses Link-
Ilia: NUUUUU! –slaps Link-
Midna: Don't touch my fiancée, you bitch! –punches Ilia with her hair, then has her give Link, herself, and Epona a piggyback ride to Lake Hylia for a romantic honeymoon-
Author: That was…short…-shoots Link- WOO! I feel better! NEXT DARES!NEW DARE!
I dare Ganon to sing Pocket full of sunshine, by Natasha Bedingfield,
Author: I f-ing dare you to drink 5 Rockstars, 10 Full Throttles, and then shotgun a can of high fructose corn syrup. Then i dare you to play strip poker with everyone, AND YOU CANT CHEAT OR USE AUTHOR POWERS!MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!
Xalin: I dare you to kick author in the balls, tell him it was navi, watch him as he beats the out of navi, then say it was actually tingle.
I dare author to take a pickle, a bottle of whiskey, and a beater, then you must use those to emberass yourself in the most humiliating way possible.
Xalin: video tape author doing the embarrassing things then sell a million DVDs of it.
FINAL DARE. I dare everyone to participate in a Soul Caliber/Zelda/Mortal Kombat/Full Metal Alchemist deathmatch. teams will be randomly selected by author, but he has to have these people on the same teams though. Ed-Ganon Winry-Zelda Shiek-Zelda and the last one is Scorpion/Kilik...KILIK RULES!
okay not so final dare...
I dare Xalin to drink a mountain dew, that tingle(tricky bastard) laced with acid(teh drug). All must watch what Xal does with his weapons when he gets high. It's creepy. Not violent, but creepy. and also GIANT B-DAY CAKE MADE FROM THE BLOODIED BODIES OF THE ZELDA CAST FOR KEYBLADEBOY!Except for Nabooru, Zelda, Malon, and Saria, who all have to give Author a 'special' birthday present.
Author: No. I'm not allowing him to sing.
Nabooru: What? But why not?
Author: 3 reasons. First, Ganondorf's a really bad singer. Second, he loves pop songs. And third, I HATE pop songs. WITH A PASSION. So having him not sing this would be worse for Ganondorf than it would be if we did have him sing.
Author: Ooooh, energy drink SUPER BUZZ! –drains the drinks-…I don't feel that different…-looks around to see everyone moving in slow motion-…HOLY CRAP! Just like in Futurama!
Everyone else: -sees a barely visible blur-
Author: -I arrange a poker table, seat the girls down, use my super buzz to look at everyone else's cards and switch them with my own and win every hand, yanking off random articles of clothing, fingernails, strands of hair, and appendages after each hand- I didn't use author powers! Just the ultimate power of sugar! –buzz ends- Oh shi…-falls asleep-
-SEVERAL HOURS LATER-
Author:…Whuh?...Where am I? –slowly gets up-
Link: You hit a major buzz from all those energy drinks, but then you fell asleep from the crash.
Author:…Really? –thinks for a moment- Oh yeah, now I remember. Totally worth it.
Xalin: Oh, by the way, while you were asleep, Navi kicked you in the balls several times.
Author: WHAT? –rips Navi's wings off, forces her to eat them, then cuts her in half with a cell phone-
Xalin: Uhh…Dude…It was actually Tingle who kicked you in the balls.
Author:…-kills Tingle with a combination of tinker toys, a machete, and a bucket. Use your imagination-
Xalin: Heh…Dude, read the next dare.
Author: -reads dare- WHAT?...Oh, fine…-shoves the pickle in my ear, the egg beater up my nose, and hits myself over the head with the whiskey bottle-
Xalin: -films it, mass produces it, and sells millions of copies-
Author: Dammit, mass producing embarrassing footage of other people doing random crap is MY thing!...Screw that. –reads dare- Oooh, super death match! YAY! But I'll need to make some changes. You mentioned Zelda twice, and I've never seen an episode of FMA in my life. FMA characters will get switched with Tekken characters. So, the final bracket shall be….
Author: This is gonna be great!
-ONE SUPER KICKASS TOURNAMENT LATER-
Author: The winners of this super kickass tournament are…SCORPION AND KILIK! –cuts off any applause- HOWEVER, there can be only ONE winner, and so we shall have Devil and Ganondorf face each other down in one super-ultra epic climactic showdown to the death!
-ONE SUPER KICKASS FIGHT SCENE LATER-
Author: Oh man, after a startling upset, the winner is KILIK!
Xalin: You are so fucking lazy.
Author: The readers can expect a bonus chapter. Later, at least…NEXT DARE!...Oooh, this is gonna be good! –whispers into Tingle's ear, chuckling a bit-
Tingle: -nods his head, and sneaks off-
-5 MINUTES LATER-
Tingle: -returns with a bottle of Mountain Dew-
Author: Thanks, Tingle…-sticks a pickaxe in Tingle's eye- Hey, Xalin, drink this Mountain Dew in your room, all right?
Xalin: All right, thanks. –goes into his room to drink the spiked soda-
Everyone else: -looking at a secret camera installed in Xalin's room-
Ganondorf: Wait for it…
Malon: Wait for it…
Xalin: -chugs the soda-
Author: Here it comes…
Xalin: Dude…I think I'm seeing colors…Maybe I should see a doctor. –gets up to leave, but then dives back behind his bed- HOLY SHIT, THE DOOR IS BREATHING!
Everyone else: -laughing their asses off-
Xalin: -points at the door, and directs a command at his weapons- Attack, my pets! Destroy the evil door!
-A FEW HOURS LATER-
Author: Aww, man, that was awesome! NEXT DARES!
Gee, thanks alot... not! Why was I THROWN in there too? It could have been just him u know.
Author- Give all your author powers to... hmm... Vaati.
Zelda: Go on a date with Manny, (Just to warn yah, he'll probably flirt ALOT) P.S. That wasn't my dare.
Link, Gannon, Dark, Oni, and Vaati: Play SSBB and who ever wins gets a load of cookies.
Author: Oh yeah, i forgot to add this two chapters... i think... ago. YOU'VE NEVER PLAYED MAJORA'S MASK! OMG O.o
Author: I threw you both in there because I'm a total jackass! –waves a giant flag with the words "I'M A JACKASS" printed on it- And no, I haven't played Majora's Mask…It's one of my secret shames…-cries-
Author: -shoots Ilia in the face, then reads dare- WHAT? But…But author powers are mine! They belong to the author!
Vaati: You heard the reviewer, Author! Now, give it up! –saps away my author powers-
Author: DAMN YOU! –faints-
Vaati: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! The power…THIS UNBRIDLED POWER! –does such an evil evil laugh that he causes a nuclear explosion with my powers- Err…Oops, my bad. –revives everybody, then gives me my powers back- I think I've had enough of ultimate power.
Zelda: I don't wanna go on a date! I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I DON'T WANNA! –flails around like an immature brat-
Author: It's good to have these back! AUTHOR POWERS! –hypnotizes Zelda into going on a date with Manny, taking his flirting positively, and giving him a "happy" ending afterwards-
Zelda: YOU BASTARD! –burns clothes and takes a cold shower- This is the second time that I've had to do this, dammit!
Author: I know, isn't it great? Also, for the next dare, I'll make it an all Link match: Link vs. Toon Link vs. Dark vs. Oni. The stage will be Pirate Ship. There will be Smash Balls, set to Low frequency. Each character will have 3 lives. You must all be either Link or Toon Link. –Link and Dark choose Link, whereas Toon Link and Oni choose Toon Link-
Oni: What? Toon Link's awesome!
Author: Totally agreed. 3, 2, 1, GO!
Link: -takes down Dark with 2 lives to spare, then aids Oni, who has only one life left, in defeating Toon Link, who also takes off one of Link's lives-
Oni: -kills Link-
Author: Oni wins! –gives Oni a jar of cookies-…And no, I'm not making a bonus chapter about that. If you want an idea of what it was like, play SSBB!
Oni: Woo! I win cookies! –takes cookies, then goes to hit on Midna-
Author: Go away, we've got shit to do. –warps Oni away- NEXT DARES!I'm back!
Navi:(D) Have a fight with Tatl! She did steal your job, after all!
Midna:(T) Who's your barber? It's hard to imagine someone cutting hair that can kill!
Ilia:(T) What's 7+9?
Those characters who play music:(D) While in Band class, I thought of this. Let's have a competition for best musician between all of the characters who can play on instruments! This should include Saria with her ocarina, Ganondorf with his church organ, Ilia with her horse call, Nayru with her harp, the creepy Windmill guy, and whoever else can play music!
Din:(T) Why are you so amazingly hot in Oracle of Seasons?
And since you're known as such a good "dancer" apparently...are you a stripper by chance?
Navi: Tatl didn't steal my job. I was on vacation.
Link: FIGHT ANYWAY! –tosses Navi and Tatl into a tiny cage-
Navi: -slams Tatl against the wall-
Tatl: -kicks Navi off, then gets above her and kicks her into the floor-
Author: THIS FIGHT BORES ME. –shoots the tiny cage with a laser beam, destroying it and its contents-
Midna: I don't have a barber. This is a magic hand, not hair.
Author: THIS RESPONSE BORES ME. –breaks the fingers of Midna's magic hand…thing-
Midna: SWEET GODDESSES! IT HURTS! –runs around screaming in pain and agony-
Ilia: 7 + 9 is…
Author and Xalin: 42! THE ANSWER TO LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND EVERYTHING!
Ilia:...Yeah. That's it. It's actually 16, but whatever.
Author: Ganondorf automatically wins.
Flute Kid (from ALTtP): BUT WHY?
Author: BECAUSE I SAID SO, DAMMIT! NEXT!
Din: I just am. –sexy pose!-
Link, Ganondorf, Vaati, and Dark: -faint with their noses bleeding-
Author: Looks like she's a stripper to me.
Din: Actually, I'm an exotic dancer. There's a difference.
Author: Riiiight…Whatever you say. NEXT DARES!I like this story it's funny.
I love to come up with dares of...TORTURE! (DARK AND EVIL LAUGH with lightning in the background)
Link: Oh no! he's gonna destroy us all!
Ridere: THAT'S RIGHT FOOLISH MORTAL! YOU WILL SUFF3R THE WRATH OF... ELMO!
Ridere: what's wrong? your SCARED! MUAHAHAHAHA!
Ridere: Look at him!
Author, add Ike or Marth for at least 4 chapters.
Ike/Marth, I dare you to stab Tingle every time he said,"Fairies" or his Motto.
Link, Go and Hide.
Ruto, I dare you to go and and try to find and Kiss Link before the 5 minute are up and if you don't, you get FALCON PAWNCHED by my sensei Capt. Falcon, BEEPS
Author: A fellow believer that Elmo is EVIL! Yay! And Captain Falcon is your sensei too? I was under his tutelage a year ago. –reads dare-…Sorry, but no. I'll add them for this chapter, but that's it. –adds Ike and Marth, then hypnotizes Tingle into repeatedly saying "fairies" and his usual motto-
Ike and Marth: -stab Tingle in his arms, then legs, and finally, in his head-
Author: Arigato, now get the hell out. –starts throwing random objects at Ike and Marth's heads until they leave- And just so you know, that's one of the only Japanese words I know, so…Yeah.
Link: Oh shit! –hides-
Ruto: HERE I COME, HUNNY-BUNZ! –runs off to search for Link-
-4 MINUTES AND 30 SECONDS LATER-
Link: -thinking to himself- Oh Goddesses, please, PLEASE don't let her find me! PLEASE!
Ruto: Link senses…tingling…-busts open a barrel- HUNNY-BUNZ! –tackles Link in a hug/kiss…thing-
Link: CAN'T…..BREATHE…-faints from lack of oxygen-
Author: Well done, Ruto. You've found Link.
Author: But you're still getting FALCON PAWNCHED.
Ruto: What? WHYYY?
Author: BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES YOU! NOW, CAPTAIN! –dashes straight at Ruto's stomach- FALCONE…
C. Falcon: -bursts through the ceiling, straight down onto Ruto's head- FALCONE…
-PAUNCH'es Ruto in the face, effectively destroying her-
Everyone: -faints from awesomeness overload-
Author: Woo! That was awesome! And we're done!
A/N: Woo! Longest chapter yet, I think. –hands are dead-…Yeah, this is definitely the longest chapter yet. It took me two days to write this! TWO DAYS! (Normally, I get my chapters done in one sitting)
First, expect a bonus chapter of that tournament in the future. I don't know exactly when, but I WILL write it.
Second, last chapter's song was Against All Odds by Phil Collins. Here are this chapter's lyrics:
Claustrophobic, Crawl out of this skin.
Reach and pull that pin.
Fear thy name extermination.
Desecrating hail of fire.
|Tue Jun 08, 2010 6:46 pm
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:51 pm
Re: Truth or Dare: Legend of Zelda
Author: -bursts into the studio wearing a Hawaiian floral print shirt and carrying a hollowed out coconut containing root beer and a straw- Man, that trip was insane! Laser tag and candy for 8 hours straight! WOOOO!
Zelda: -sarcastically- That's just great. Meanwhile, when you were off shooting random people with a puny laser gun while shoving Skittles down your throat, the rest of us STARVED! We had to cannibalize Tingle! –points to the half-eaten corpse of Tingle- He tasted like musty old charts, sweat, spandex, and pedophile, all rolled into one disgusting human being!
Author:…Oh, I'm sorry, you were talking! I was too busy thinking about how awesome laser tag was! Pyew! Pyew! –makes believe that a rifle is in my hands-
Batter:…Just get to the dares, jackass. Xalin would be here saying that, but he had to eat Tingle's back.
Xalin: -throwing up in a corner- It…It's so hairy…It burns my tongue…-throws up again-
Batter: Wait, wait, wait…Doody-head?
Author: I'm feeling immature…And high on sugar. –bounces off the studio walls-TDCFH: -Notices his weapon cache was touched- WHO THE HELL IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD DO THIS?
Bandgeek99, Depthmon: Not us.
TDCFH: Okay then. NEXT DARE: LET ME SHOOT, BLOW UP, AND USE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY WEAPONS ON XALIN FOR TOUCHING MY STUFF!
Bandgeek99: He's scary.
Author: Repetitive and forced killing is rather boring. Fights to the death are way better! And no, I'm not consulting you on what weapon you will use. –shouts- Xalin, you'd better be finished puking, because you've received a challenge from the owner of that weapon's cache from last chapter!
Xalin: -wipes some of Tingle's back hair off the side of his face- Seriously? You mean it? –reads dare-…Who the hell would get that pissed about somebody touching their weapons?
Ganondorf: You're the exact same way! Remember when I came to you to fix my sword up? (A/N: The sword he had in TP)
-FLASHBACK: 2 WEEKS AGO—
Xalin: -observes the sword- Yeah, sure, I can temper this thing, no problem. It'll run you about 1,500 rupees, easy, but it'll be worth it.
Ganondorf: Cool. Thanks, Xalin. –hand accidently grazes the hilt of a sword-
Xalin: -grabs a nearby javelin, hurls it at Ganondorf's head, pinning him to the wall behind him, then unsheathes a massive sword made of glass and cuts Ganondorf into little ribbons of bloody confetti- YOU NEVER TOUCH MY WEAPONS AGAIN, MUTHAFUCKA!
Xalin:…I don't recall the details…I think it involved lots of blood, though.
Author: Less reminiscing, more fighting to the death! –tosses Xalin into the arena, then takes up post as the commentator- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Today, we have a grudge match for ya! In the home corner, we have the same weapon-fetishistic jackass you all know and hate, XALIN!
Xalin: -steps out of the corner, clutching a tiny figurine of a tiny winged masked figure with a serrated-edge sword-
Author: And in the visiting corner, we have an expert of blackmail with extremely violent tendencies towards his friends and loved ones! It's TDCFH!
TDCFH: -steps out with the laser sword mentioned in the last chapter-
Author: You are each allowed only one weapon. Other than that, the only real rule is to beat the ever-living shit out of each other until either one of you gives up or dies! FIGHTERS, READY?
TDCFH: -readies his laser sword- Ready.
Xalin: -uses the figurine to transform into Metaknight- Ready. –says it in his Hispanic Darth Vader voice-
TDCFH: -shoots at Xalin with his gun attachments-
Xalin: -weaves through each projectile with ease, then dashes up to TDCFH and attempts to cut him across his side-
TDCFH: -barely dodges- -a vein appears on his forehead as he examines a newly-formed scratch on his arm- -charges Xalin's back with a flurry of rapid slashes-
Xalin: -jumps up just as TDCFH tears his cape, after which he turns his cape into a pair of bat wings and hovers around-
TDCFH: -runs up the wall and vaults off it, spiraling like a vortex towards Xalin-
Xalin: -charges forward and spins in the opposite direction, making him loop around TDCFH's attack, all while gouging him with his sword-
Both: -fall to the ground and stand there for a moment-
TDCFH: -falls over, dead, looking like somebody was killed by a giant can opener-
Author: Xalin WINS! What a fight! –warps everyone back to the studio- (A/N: Sorry, man, but Metaknight beats EVERYTHING! No revenge dares! Also, for those who thought it was too short, just fill in any blanks you want with random sequences of them randomly disappearing and reappearing while their swords clang against each other, like in DBZ.) NEXT DARES!Hi again!
Link and Ganon: I dare you to switch Triforce peices and lives
Zelda: Fight to the death against Every single Goron in exsitance!
Dark: Since your my favorite, I'll torture you. Get high, get in a car and drive off a cliff blindfolded.
Navi: Eat six hundred pounds of noodles.
Vaati: Fight to the death against michal jackson.
Bye for now!
Zelda: Hi! –waves-
Author: I'm going to ignore that. –hands Link and Ganon their dares-
Link: WHAT? But…But…I want to keep my Ball and Chain! At the very least!
Ganondorf: -imagines what he would look like in a green cap and tunic with Navi pleasuring herself with his hair- HELL NO! I'm not having a little blue speck of dust pleasure herself with my hair!
Author:…Do you guys seriously think that I'm not going to do this? –switches Link and Ganondorf's lives-
Ganondorf: -wakes up in a tree house, 4 feet tall, wearing a green cap and tunic, to the shrill cries of…you know…
Ganondorf: -shoots Navi with a .357 pistol under his bed- We may have switched lives, but we didn't switch dispositions! BWAHAHAHAAA! –goes off to get the Kokiri sword and "infect" the Great Deku Tree with a billion tiny puncture wounds-
-MEANWHILE, IN THE GERUDO DESERT-
Link: -slowly wakes up, but his eyes shoot open when he sees two Gerudo guards in bed with him-…Wait…I'm Ganondorf…So that means I have a harem of hot thieves in a society in which I am the only male…I can live with that! –falls back asleep while stroking the guards' heads-
Author: That was a little boring…-barges in and shoots the place up with a machine gun, ala Godfather Part 1- That's more like it! Old school movie references rule! –turns everything back to the way it was- NEXT DARE!
Zelda: -reads dare- Whuh…What…? –her life flashes before her eyes-
Author: Yeah…Sucks to be you. –Sparta-kicks her in the middle of a pit filled with pissed-off Gorons on steroids-
Zelda: OH SHI-
Gorons: -crush her puny form with their massive rock fists-
Author: Oooh, bloody. Dark, you've got a dare.
Dark: -reads dare-…Why?
Author: Who the hell cares why, JUST DO IT! –injects her full of ecstasy, puts a blindfold over her eyes, and shoves her into a car filled with highly flammable objects, which is placed right on the edge of a cliff and is already turned on-
Dark: Wow…Everything is really nice right now…This car is so nice…I'm gonna dry hump the back seat! –dry humps the back seat of the car, right next to a big crate of dynamite-
Ilia and Ruto: This is taking too long. –try pushing the car over the edge-
Author: For once, Ruto, I agree with you. –joins them, and eventually succeeds in pushing the car over the edge…and then shoves Ruto over the edge along with the car. But not Ilia, Ilia's alright-
Dark: Wow, this car is moving so fast! Almost like I'm falling right out of the sky!...Oh…Wait a second…-incinerates upon the explosion-
Ruto: -gets caught in the flames while falling as they shoot up into the sky like a geyser-
Xalin: The bright colors! They light up the night sky against a cloudy backdrop!
Ganondorf: The fire! It shoots up to the heavens, screaming in the face of the Goddesses!
Midna: I…can't think of anything poetic to say about this. –slumps and walks away-
Navi: 600 pounds of noodles? But it'll ruin my figure!
Link: Nobody can see your figure; you're a freaking light bulb, for Goddesses' sakes! –throws Navi into a bowl of ramen noodles, accidently burning her in the hot water, ensnaring her in the noodles, and drowning her-
Author:…I don't know about you…But I'm happy with that. I don't think we need to revive her for anything.
Midna: I second that notion.
Vaati: -eyes widen as he reads the dare- Mi…Michael Jackson? WACKO-FUCKING-JACKO? HIDE ME! –dives into an anti-pedophile bunker- Have you SEEN him in those Michael Quest sprite videos? HE'S A KILLING AND MOLESTING MACHINE, DAMMIT!
Author: You're too old to be dry-humped by Jacko, now get out there! –throws Vaati out into the arena- Everyone else, hide in the bunker, and especially protect Toon Link, Tetra, Kid Link, and…me. Just to be safe.
Everyone besides Vaati: -goes off to protect Toon Link, Kid Link, and Tetra-
Author: Aww, come on!...Wait…The fight's starting…You hear that? –puts a hand to his ear and hears Beat It playing…I JUST realized that that song's title has extreme implications…Eww-
Nabooru: Oh Goddesses, no, it's already begun…Vaati's doomed…Let's watch! –everyone gathers to look at a large television broadcasting the fight-
-IN THE ARENA-
Vaati: Okay, Vaati…You can do this…Even though he's a killing machine that can easily kick the ass of any video game character he wants…Even though he's a renowned child molester and could very well pounce my ass at any moment…Even though his music is ridiculously, overly catchy and will get stuck in my head for weeks…I can still beat him…
Jacko: -arrives in the arena in a horse drawn pumpkin carriage- Hey there, little boy, could you help me? I've received a phone call telling me to come here for a concert for healthy young boys, younger than you, but there's nobody here. Do you know where a concert is being held with an audience of little boys?
Vaati: Oh man…This guy is even creepier in person! Jacko, you've been tricked. I'm here to fight you…-draws his magic staff- and kill you. –shoots laser beam at Jacko's face, knocking him down-
Jacko: -gets back up, revealing that his nose MELTED due to the beam- -gasps- My nose! Why would you do this to me? Now I'm…ANGRY! –moonwalks to Vaati, dodging more laser beams, and starts kicking him and flailing his arms in patterns that resemble dance moves-
Vaati: Gaahhhh! –backs off- Each hit he lands on me gets a different song stuck in my head! I'm not gonna last much longer at all! STUPID FUCKING DARES! -transforms into a giant eyeball and shoots a bolt of lightning at Jacko-
Jacko: -moonwalks, somehow curving the fucking lightning bolt and sending it back at Vaati, going straight through his eyeball form-
Vaati: -turns back into a human, barely alive-
Jacko: Well then, little boy, time for you to say "nighty-night," for trying to hurt me. –turns into a fucking robot and shoves a missile up Vaati's ass, blowing him up…from the ass-
Author: THAT'S ENOUGH! –warps Jacko into space- Jeez, that was way too much pedophile for me to take…-shudders- Next dares…-shudders again-(humming I don't care, from Apocolyptica)
Link: OH NOES! IT'S THE EVIL REVIEWER!
Ridere: I'm not that evil...or am I?
Link: Yes, you are! you ditched me with Elmo.
Ridere: well at least I killed him... with MAH LAZAH DAMALLET
(a mallet that shoots out lasers)
Link: O.k? aren't you gonna add more Dares?
Ridere: Why yes... Yes I... AM!(in a dark voice of DOOMZ! with lightning on the background)MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Tingle, start running and if you say no... I will... COME FOR YOU AND RIP YOUR MOUTH AND SHOVE ELMO IN THERE!(in a dark, evil, demonic voice)
Author: do you really want to kill tingle? if you say yes, you will get A MINI-GUN! (have you heard of OLD GLORY) that's the LEGENDARY gun you will use to... KILL TINGLE!
after your done add wario for a dare. (Instructions included on how the mini-gun works!)
Wario, fart at anyone that will Please the author.
well That's all I guess
-Ridere the EVIL Reviewer.
Author: -revives Tingle's corpse and gives him his dare-
Tingle: -starts running-
Ridere: -appears in Tingle's path and shoves Elmo down his throat-
Author: Of course I want to kill Tingle with A MINI GUN! Wait…Mini-gun…?...Thank you for the highest of gun-based honors! –takes the gun and kneecaps Tingle with several dozen bullets, then shoots him through the ears with hundreds of bullets- Thank you! –gives back the mini-gun, then summons Wario-
Wario: Wah? What am I doing-a here?
Author: Wario, fart on everyone in this room, and I'll give you a dollar and a vat of pudding.
Wario: SCORE! –charges up an atomic fart-
Author: -runs out and locks all the doors-
-MUSHROOM CLOUD OF METHANE-
Author: -waits for a few days, then goes back in the studio- Ehh…You guys alright?
Everyone but Wario: -dead, their faces melted from the gas-
Author: Wow, nice work. –gives Wario a dollar and a vat of pudding- Now get the hell out of my studio. –shoots Wario in the face, then warps him away, but keeps his pudding- Now this is MY pudding! –eats pudding, then revives everybody- NEXT DARES!I knew u were a jackass! Anyways...
Manny: WHY THE HELL WOULD ZELDA NOT CALL ME!
Me: Hell if I know! Go away!
Now to the dares...
Kid Link: Go into a state of total drama and turn Emo!
Vaati: JUst a short saying of... YOU"RE AWSOME!
Malon: Join the Gerudos and go on a theiving raid to demolish HYRULE!
Dark: Go to Hyrule and admit to all the girls that you've been with Link and then you might want to run... fast.
Darunia: Give EVERYBODY a BEAR HUG!
Link: FIGHT RIKU from Kingdom hearts (I have a fing Riku obsession now -groan-)
Zelda: Fight Namine who ever gets Roxas!
Malon: Tell us if you hate Kairi or not!
Author: Oh God, not more dares…-gulps- Let's just get this over with…Now then, how to make Toon Link emo…I'VE GOT IT! –ties Toon Link to a chair-
Toon Link: Wha…What're you doing?
Author: This. –slits Tetra's throat right in front of Toon Link's face-
Toon Link: -breaks down weeping, and magically becomes emo. His hair becomes black, his skin becomes completely white, and he's crying blood, or some shit like that-
Author: Vaati's dead. I don't think he can appreciate the fact that you think he's awesome…Although he is pretty cool. Even if he did get a missile shoved up his ass and was blown to little bitty pieces, he's still cool…At least he got a cool death.
Malon: WHAT? But I'm no thief!
Xalin: You have red hair. Like a Gerudo. That's good enough. –shoves Malon in the middle of a massive thieving raid, where the group plunders Hyrule Castle of it's many riches-
Malon: I got a necklace off of Zelda's neck!
Zelda: I'm right here.
Author: Yeeeeaahhh…This is getting awkward. Next dare. –revives Dark-
Dark: -reads dare- But…But I'm a lesbian! Everyone will know that I'm lying!
Author: Just do it, it's for the reader. –hypnotizes every female into believing that Dark is straight-
Dark: I slept with Link.
Mob of Pissed-Off Females: --
Darunia: A BEAR-HUG, FOR EVERYBODY? I'LL DO IT! –his arms magically grow 10 times their size, and he crushes everyone in a spine-crushing bear hug-
Everyone else: -turns to blobs of jelly with skin-
Darunia: Errr…He did it! –points to a random bystander, then runs-
Author: -heals everyone- Oww…Next dare. –puts an ice pack on my back-
Link: Riku? Who's that?
Author: Some guy from Kingdom Hearts, acts as an anti-hero, he's the rival to the protagonist, Sora.
Link:…Okay, whatever. I'll fight him.
Author: Good. (A/N: This is going to be Riku from KH:CoM, just because I said so.) –warps everyone, including Riku, to the arena-
Riku: What? Where am I? And who are you? Are you with Ansem? –draws his sword and points at Link-
Link: No, I don't even know who that is, and I don't need your life's story either. Simply put, my name is Link, and you and I must fight to the death for the amusement of a demi-god. –draws sword and shield- Sounds like fun, doesn't it?...Oh, and your hair looks stupid.
Riku: Yeah, whatever. You don't know who you're messing with, but that's your loss. –vaults forward at Link and attempts an upward slash-
Link: -backflips and uses a helm splitter-
Riku: -uses Dark Shield to reflect the attack, then uses a basic 3-slash attack-
Link: -shields, backflips, and uses the Clawshot to reel Riku in-
Riku: -catches the Clawshot's chain and yanks Link towards him to stab him in the shoulder-
Link: -drinks a Red Potion and heals his wound, then retreats for a moment-
Riku: -stabs himself in the shoulder-
Link: What was that for? Are you masochistic or something?
Riku: Nah…I did that to do…THIS! –turns into Dark Riku and uses Dark Aura-
Link: -gets launched into the air from the first stab, gets caught in all the other hits, gets smashed back to the ground with the last stab, and gets completely skewered by the pillars of darkness that emanate from Riku's sword when he plunges it into the ground-
Author: Ouch, talk about overkill…I don't even like Riku that much. Xaldin's way cooler. –revives Link-
Riku: Hey, don't compare me to any of those Organization XIII freaks! –attempts to slice my head open-
Author: -warps him back to Hollow Bastion- Next dare!
Zelda: What? But…That kid is way too young for me.
Roxas: -appears, sees Zelda, starts drooling- Hey, beautiful…
Zelda: Uhh…-backs away slowly-
Roxas: But baby, I like older women! –chases Zelda-
Namine: -appears out of nowhere right in Roxas' path- ROXAS! How dare you chase after some random bitch you found on the streets!
Zelda: Look who's talking! Your dress is practically see-through!
Link: Who said what-now?
Oni: -magically appears out of nowhere- What was that? See-through dress? –adjusts his binoculars-
Namine: I'll pretend you didn't say that because I don't really feel like kicking your ass today, bitch! Now gimme back my boyfriend!
Author: Ehh…You do have to kick her ass for Roxas. NOW GET IN DA ARENA!
Ganondorf: CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT!
Oni: -gets out a camera and starts filming-
Zelda: Hell no, I've got no time for a catfight! –launches a Light Arrow straight through Namine's mouth-
Roxas: Woo! I get the older woman! –hugs Zelda-
Zelda: Get offa me! –throws Roxas away-
Author: That was a little boring. –warps Roxas and Namine away-
Oni: You're telling me. I was expecting a quality catfight!
Malon: I don't know who Kairi is…
Author: -warps Kairi into the studio- Talk for a bit.
-5 DAYS LATER-
Everyone but Author: -died from boredom-
Malon and Kairi: -talking at the speed of light-
Author: Jeez! Are you two done yet?
Malon: Alright, don't get so crazy! It was nice meeting you Kairi.
Kairi: You, too. Gimme a call sometime, I'd love to meet Epona.
Author: FINALLY! –warps Kairi away, then revives everybody- So, how did you like her?
Malon: Eh, she's alright.
Author: There we go. NEXT DARES!Midna: Why did you destroy the mirror? Did you hate link that much?
I dare ruto, navi, Darunia, and Majora to all get naked! Ok now that THATS done
Author: I dare you to stop using the "3 sentances then skip 5 hours" format on your answers. Recently, you have been having a lack of good explanations. I'm not wanting more detail, I want more dialogue, and comedy. You are just being blunt in everything that happens. If this were to stop, I'm sure something good would happen. Like having more comedic moments, and me not skipping half of every chapter.
Midna: I don't hate Link, it was just to keep any wack-jobs like Zant from escaping into Hyrule again.
Zant: I'm not crazy!
Author: Are you kidding me? Of course you are!
Zant: Yeah? Well…You're mom's crazy! IN BED! –runs away-
Author: That actually made sense...
Majora: -looks around- Ehh…We already ARE naked…In a sense at least.
Xalin: If you aren't wearing any clothes, then take off your skin.
Navi: WHAT? But…But we can't do that!
Ruto: Yeah, that would hurt!
Xalin: Fine then…I'LL HELP YOU. –cuts off everybody's skin with a vegetable peeler, except for Darunia. He used a jackhammer to chip his skin off-
Author: FINALLY! Somebody gives me some actual criticism! Looking back, I have noticed that my chapters were getting a little lazy. Maybe if I actually took the time to write them instead of just knocking them out in one sitting, I should take a little more time to write them. It's a good thing I read his dare before starting this chapter, because I tried to implement that advice the entire way through. Tell me what you think, everybody!...Wait…We're done…FINALLY! JEEZ, I thought that would NEVER end!
A/N: Another chapter complete! YAY!
First off, thanks to Cheat for giving me some much needed ideas for improvement. School and stuff has been eating my free time up, but I'll try and take some time to make quality chapters. And everyone else, please, don't be afraid to give me some tips! This may be a ToD fic, but it's also my FIRST fic! Also, Cheat, I'd like it if you could read my Bonus chapter and tell me what you thought about that.
Second, last chapter's song was My Apocalypse by Metallica, from their new album Death Magnetic. If you like thrash metal, check that album out, it will blow your mind! It's all of the stuff that made Metallica great, but given a more modern appeal!...But I digress.
Here's the song for this chapter:
I'm lookin' for another kind of love
Oh Lordy, how I need it
The kind that likes to leap without a shove
Oh honey, best believe it
To save a lot of time and foolish pride
I'll say what's on my mind, girl
You love me, you hate me, you cut me down to size
You blinded me with love and, yeah, it opened up my eyes
By the way, I've been meaning to plug this guy in for a while. If you like Kingdom Hearts' music, look up a guy on Youtube by the name of GermanSeabass. He does piano renditions of video game songs, and he's even composed 2 medleys of Kingdom Hearts songs. AmazingZeldaFan, you'll probably love the guy's music.
And that's it. No more plugs, no more lyrics, no more authors notes. Read and review, please! And spread the word! PLEASE!
MORE A/N: From this point on, my chapters will be getting a LOT longer. So prepare yourself for potential eye strain. Abandon this thread, ye weak of will and vision, and come forward into the light, O destined seekers of lulz.
|Tue Jun 08, 2010 6:52 pm
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:51 pm
Re: Truth or Dare: Legend of Zelda
Author: Wooo! New Family Guy kicked ass, and I updated! Plus, I'm thinking about making a new story, and my Comedy Club at my school is doing great! I'M ON FIRE! –runs around-
Midna: Stop bragging, you moron.
Author: No, I mean it, I'm on fucking fire! –points to hair, which is on fire-
Batter: -dumps a bucket of water on my face-
Author: Thanks…I think. Let's just start.Ahm...I didn't say I was going to kill him. I just said I was going to use all my weapons on him...
Ah well, blackmailing him is more fun.
Next Dare: BLACKMAIL EVERYONE! MUHAHAHAHAHA!
Author: Too bad. Death battles are more fun to write. But blackmail is something I can do! Now…Who to start with…I know! How about Malon!
Malon: Me? What could you possibly blackmail me for? I've never done anything wrong!
Author: Your dad thinks you're single, right? And I've heard that he's fiercely protective of you, turning down lots of suitors.
Malon: Yeah…What of it?
Author: How do you think he'd react if I showed him THIS? –shows Malon a picture of her making out with Xalin earlier in the story-
Malon: Oh Goddesses, NO! Please, no! I'll…do anything. Ugh…
Author: Good…Now…Eat a live pig. –brings a pig in the studio-
Author: You heard me. Eat a live pig. –waves the picture in front of her face-
Malon:…I'm not going to like this…Not one bit…-bites into the pig's stomach-
Pig: -goes crazy, trampling all over Malon, killing her-
Author: I can live with that outcome. Next victim! How about Ganondorf!
Xalin: This should be easy.
Ganondorf: You'd think so, but I don't have any family or close acquaintances, and my only real companions are a harem of hot thieves. I'm socially invincible!
Author: Dammit, he's right! Oh well, next dare. (A/N: Curse you, laziness! CURSE YOU TO HELL!)Alright! I've been looking for a good Zelda truth or dare fic, and it looks like I've found the right one. I'll start with the characters I hate the most. Oh, and if I put anything in parenthesis, then that means I don't want that character to know about that part of the dare.
Navi: Die! Let every character kill her once! After everyone has had their turn, throw her to the fangirls!
Tingle: Float up on your balloon as high as you can. (After he reaches maximum height, have Midna pop his balloon)
Midna: I don't hate you, but I need you to call the police and tell them about the illegal activities going on in this show and blame it all on Tingle.
Zant: Why in the world were you acting crazy in the battle in Twilight Princess? After you answer the question, You must chug as many beers as you possibly can.
Ilia: You must kill Epona!
Toon Link: You must be locked in a small room with Navi while she is hyped up on sugar for five hours!
Don't worry! I'll be back to get the rest of you! (Evil laughter)
Navi: Aw, dammit. I hate these dares.
Author: Really? Because I LOVE THEM! -beats Navi to death with a piñata, then eats Navi along with the candy inside- Mmm…Tasty. –revives Navi- Who's next in line?
Link, Toon Link, and Dark Link: -all step forward and beat Navi to death with a baseball bat, a la Office Space-
Tetra and Majora: -feeds Navi to a whale-
Epona: -tramples all over Navi, taking a dump on her after finishing-
Author: Alright, I think we're all set. Next dare.
Tingle: Tingle-tingle-kooloo-limpah! It would be a pleasure! –floats up on his balloon of INFINITE HORRORS-
Midna: -after a couple of minutes- Alright, I'm popping it now. –pops Tingle's balloon with her crazy magic hat-
Tingle: Uhh…What? –looks up and sees that his balloon is not there-…Eep. –falls down like in those old cartoons, landing in a canyon with a poof of dust-
Random British Police Officer #1: -arrives at the dust cloud, handcuffing Tingle and beating him a few times in the head with a club- Alright, chap, yer comin' down to the station wit' me and me buddies on accusations of child molestation and operating a hot air balloon wit-out a license by a light-blue skinned girl with a freaky-ass crown. –drags Tingle to jail- Not to mention a whole list of other stuff.
Zant: -reads question- Well, I went crazy because I ALREADY WAS CRAZY! YEEEEEE! –cracks neck rapidly while running along the walls of the studio-
Author: Holy crap, somebody take the nutjob down! –shoots a tranquilizer dart into Zant's neck, sending him sprawling out on the ground on top of Ruto, crushing her under his immense amounts of CRAZY-
Ilia: -reads dare- WHAT? But…But I love horses! I can't kill Epona!
Author: You can, and you will. AUTHOR POWERS! –hypnotizes Ilia to grab a shotgun, blast Epona's brains out, and turn her into glue-…Crap, you mean we have to REVIVE her? Dammit…-revives Navi-
Toon Link: Dear Goddesses, NO! It was bad enough nearly confusing Ciela for Navi during PH, now I have to actually EXPERIENCE that kind of torment?
Batter: Yes. NOW GET IN THE CLOSET OF PAIN! –shoves Toon Link in the closet of pain, force feeds Navi a dozen giant bags of sugar, and flicks her in the closet as well-
Toon Link: Oh…My head….Oh, Goddesses…No, NO, NOOOOOOO! MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE! –other random shouts of agony among Navi's usual screams of HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT-
Xalin: That poor bastard is never going to make it past five hours.
Author: We'll check on him later. NEXT DARES!-is dead from laughing; laughed so hard suffered from suffocation-
Ganondorf: You must now ride a llama instead of your kick black pony.
Oni and Majora: Alchohol drinking contest... You should be able to do ALOT of stuff with this, author-dude
Navi: Be locked up with a hard-rock/metal band/etc. (Ex: Slipknot, Metallica, so forth) You know how people always smash their guitars against the stage? I have a feeling they'll be smashing their guitars on something else now...
Zelda: Babysit cuccos (Spelling? I mean the hyrule chicken things)
Xalin: Work at a mcdonalds for a day... Leaving your weapons home. All alone. Without their obsessed weapon fondler handler guy... DUN DUN DUN! XD
(Also, I loved the part with oni adjusting his binoculars! That's so... Like him XD Anyway, a great chapter, it was longer than usual, which made it have more fun, so I think it's pretty good... Uh.. Oh yeah, I also liked the part with Jacko X))
Ganondorf: Sweet, I love llamas! –rides a black llama during the final battle of TP, making him automatically win…Because llamas are awesome-
Link: What the hell? What just happened?
Ganondorf: LLAMAS OWN EVERYTHING! –goes off to preach the holy word of the LLAMA-
Xalin: Great, now I've got the llama song stuck in my head. Ughh…
Oni: A drinking contest? SWEET!
Majora: Can we play beer pong?
Author: Yeah, sure, that should be cool. Two demi-gods playing a game of beer pong.
Zelda: I'll get the camera.
-30 MINUTES OF BEER BINGING LATER-
Author: -sets up a ping pong table with cups of beer on each corner- Alright, you both know the rules of beer pong, so I will skip explaining them. Oni, are you ready?
Oni: -hic- Yesh, I'm read –hic-…ready…mishter man…
Author: Majora, are you ready?
Author: -slaps Majora a few times-
Majora: Whuh? Who? Oh…yeah, I'm ready…-falls back asleep-
Author: Ah, forget it! The winner is Oni, by default!
Oni: WOOO! DURNCING QUEEN TO SHELEBRATE! –plays Dancing Queen by ABBA-
Navi: Sweet! I love Metallica! –flies in the closet of pain, where the guitarist of Metallica bashes Navi over the head with his guitar, then plays a quick riff from My Apocalypse, and bashes her again-
Author: Can I have your autograph? Just write, "To Author", or something like that.
Guitarist: -autographs Navi's corpse with some of Gene Simmon's makeup-
Zelda: Watch over some cuccos? Alright, how hard could it be? –walks into a barn filled with a hundred cuccos, all clucking around and ruffling their feathers-
Xalin: She's walking RIIIGHT into this one. –whips out a bow and arrow and shoots a cucco-
Zelda: Uhh…What just happened?...Hey, why are all you cuccos looking at me like that?...OH DEAR GODDESSES! –IMMENSE PAIN!-
Xalin: I can do that. –gets hired at a McDonald's, then gets fired 20 minutes later-
Author: Dude, what did you do to get fired in 20 MINUTES?
Xalin: Well, first I sneezed all over this guy's food and his face, then I took a leak in the fryer, then I just basically curled up in the fetal position in front of the soda fountain and cried until I was escorted out. It was fun…-fondles weaponry inappropriately-
Author:…Okay…Next dares…-backs away slowly from Xalin-That last chapter was funny! The only reccomendation I have is to use the fangirls more often! It worked on my fic, and I know it will on yours!
Zant: Are you that Ganondorf didn't save you during your fight against Link and Midna? That must have sucked to be betrayed...
On second thought...
Ganondorf: High five! You totally screwed over that poser Zant!
Ilia: You're smarter than I thought! You acted like such an idiot in Twilight Princess...so what happened to make you smart? Did you hit your head on a rock or something?
Din: What do you say instead of "Oh, Goddesses" during sex?
Link: What's the secret ingredient to Red Potions?(there has to be more than just Chu Jelly!) If you don't know, then find out!
Midna, Zelda: Play a poker game where you put anything at stake (including your rule over your kingdoms)
Tingle: Go to Neverland ranch! You and the owner might have a lot more in common than you think...
Rauru: Put Navi inside a bottle! Once you do...Congratulations! You have invented the first light bulb! See if you can get to the patenting office before Thomas Edison! (If you don't make it in time, you're at risk of a lawsuit!)
Ganondorf: Woo! HIGH FIVE! –high fives jackattack, shattering his hand upon impact-
Author: Jeez, you must have taken lessons from The Todd!
The Todd: Teacher-Student Five! –high fives Ganondorf, snapping his fingers after doing so-
Author: What the…WHERE DID HE COME FROM? –warps The Todd back to Sacred Heart Hospital-
Ilia: No, I got rammed in the head by an Ordon goat. Actually, my father outlawed the farming, breeding, and raising of goats in Ordon because of it, until he saw that I was actually better off from it.
Author: Yeah, interesting story. –blasts Ilia away with a fire hose-
Din: I say, "Oh, me, oh, ME!"
Xalin: That's…very narcissistic. And disturbing.
Link: Uhh…If I remember correctly, the secret ingredient to a good Red Potion is…THE BLOOD OF A THOUSAND INNOCENT…WHAT THE HELL, AUTHOR? There is no secret ingredient. –stares daggers at the Author-
Author: -looks away innocently-
Zelda: But Midna cheats during card games! I won't win against her!
Midna: What? Who says I cheat?
Zelda: I have the Triforce of Wisdom, remember? I can tell when you're giving off your magic energy to spy on other people's cards.
Author: Too bad, I want to see what Midna would do as ruler of Hyrule.
-ONE EXTREMELY LOPSIDED GAME OF POKER LATER-
Author: DAMMIT, ZELDA! Why the hell did you wimp out of gambling your kingdom?
Author: Gah, whatever! Next dare!
Tingle: Kooloo? Is this ranch owner a fairy, like Tingle?
Batter: Exactly. He's a fairy, just like you, Tingle. –throws Tingle to Neverland Ranch-
Tingle: -meets Wacko Jacko-…Are you a fairy?
Jacko: Now that's just plain rude, little man! You can't talk to a singing sensation like that! –turns into a robot and blasts Tingle to little bits with a laser beam- Now…Where are those little boys? –walks away-
Author: -shudders- Let's just get to the next dare…
Rauru: Wow, I think this is my first dare on here. But I am unable. I must keep Ganondorf sealed within the Sacred Realm.
Ganondorf: Uh…Hi. –waves to Rauru-
Rauru: WAAAAGGHH! THE EVIL BEAST HAS ESCAPED! HE SHALL DESTROY US ALL! –runs away screaming-
Author:…I'm fine with that. Next dares.I have dares! OH YEA BABY!
Ilia: I dare you to go on a date with Zant and Ganon...at the same time!
Midna: I dare you to fight Ilia to the death in a death match!
Navi: I dare you to eat the Deku Tree.
Tetra: I dare you to ditch your pirate ship for...floatees!
Hmm. That's it.
Ilia: -magically transported to a fancy restaurant with Ganondorf and Zant- What the…Ah, never mind…
Ganondorf: -twiddles his thumbs awkwardly-
Zant: -still cracking his neck rapidly while bouncing up and down in his chair-
Waiter: Good evening, I will be your waiter this evening. Can I interest you in some weed with a side of crack? Or perhaps you would like a big plate of ecstasy?
Ganondorf: What? What the hell kind of restaurant is this?
Waiter: You are in Amsterdam, where drugs are legal and plentiful! –takes out some snuff, snorts it, shakes his head quickly back and forth for a bit, then goes back to normal- Man, that's some good snuff…
Ilia:…I'm going now…-leaves and swims back to the studio-
Ganondorf: Wait, Sandy! You can't just walk out of a drive-in movie! –chases Ilia-
Zant: -stops his neck-cracking- Why did he just quote a musical?
Waiter: I laced his water with some, "stuff"…I guess he thinks he's in Grease now. Usually, people think their in West Side Story, or Fiddler on the Roof, or something like that.
Zant: Oh…-goes back to neck cracking-
Ilia: -arrives in the studio, soaking wet- Hey, everybody.
Midna: -blasts Ilia into smithereens with the Fused Shadows-
Author: That was easy…NEXT DARE!
Xalin: Navi's still annoying Toon Link.
Batter: Poor bastard's probably dead. –opens the closet door-
Navi: Oog…I'm a little dizzy…-faints-
Toon Link: -bleeding from the ears and eyes, quite obviously dead-
Batter: Wow…That's just a little harsh…-hands Navi her dare-
Navi: But…But I can't eat the entire Great Deku Tree! He's too big!
Xalin: YOU CAN AND WILL! –holds a scimitar to where Navi's neck would be-
Navi: Eep! –starts eating the new Deku Tree (The one created after you beat the Forest Temple)-
Author: We'll check on her later.
Tetra: -reads dare- Ya scallywags! I'd never give me ship up fer some pieces of rubber! That ship be me pride 'n' joy!
Author:…Today's "Talk Like A Pirate" day, isn't it?
Tetra: Aye, matey!
Author: Okay, whatever. But you have to trade your ship for some floatees, now do it! AUTHOR POWERS! –warps Tetra out to her ship, then replaces the ship with some floatees-
Tetra: ARGGHH! Ye lubbers will pay fer this! –gets eaten by sharks-
Xalin: Oh, thank God that's over with. Next dares!Hysterical. Absolutely hysterical.
Now for the dares...
Dark Link: Swallow Navi whole without throwing up.
Ilia: -thinks of wonderfully torturous dare- OOH! How about... try and fight to the death with Epona (I'm sure she annoys the horse as much as she does me)!
Link: Watch the battle between Ilia and Epona and choose a side!
Midna: Fight Ganondorf to the death! (GO MIDNA!)
Zant: Cry "I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER!" if Epona wins the battle. Or do something utterly ridiculous.
Dark: Ooh! Sounds delicious!
Batter: Wait, we need to see if Navi's done eating the Deku Tree.
Navi: Oog…Stomachache…Too much…Wood…
The Todd: You know what else can give a girl too much wood? –pelvic gesture- The Todd.
Author: As awesome as that was, you have to get the hell out. Now get the hell out. –warps The Todd back to Sacred Heart, in the middle of the ladies' showers- Alright, Navi, Dark Link has to eat you.
Dark: -shoves Navi down her throat- Mmmm…It feels tingly in my throat!
Author: That's nice. Now then…Epona's already dead, and turned into glue. Ilia won that battle.
Link: Can I still put money on Ilia?
Author: No. –shoots Link in the elbow-
Midna: Didn't I try to kill Ganondorf in TP? I think it ended with the castle getting destroyed and me dying.
Ganondorf: WHEEEE! DEATH BATTLE! STABBYRIPSTABBYSTAB! –wildly swings his sword around while charging towards Midna-
Midna: -uses Fused Shadows to become that giant spider thing, and charges towards Ganondorf-
Ganondorf: -leaps towards one of Spider-Midna's legs and grabs hold, then slowly climbs up-
Midna: -attempts to skewer Ganondorf but misses, instead stabbing her own leg-
Ganondorf: -clings to the spear and makes his way down Midna's arm and to her neck, where he stabs her repeatedly in a specific pressure point-
Midna: -tumbles to the ground, completely incapacitated-
Author: Stop, that's enough! Ganondorf wins!
Zant: Are you saying that I haven't been doing utterly ridiculous things throughout this chapter already? YOU ARE EVEN CRAZIER THAN ME! YEEEEEEEE! –rapid-fire neck cracking-
Author: Next dares!Hee Hee, poor Vaati.
1. Link: fight against Organization XIII all at once. Sora from the first KH game can be your sidekick.
2. Ganon: Having a staring contest with my cat, Rikrex. No blowing in her face.
3. Vaati: Fight against Barney, Barbie, the Teletubbies, and Naraku from Inu Yasha.
4. Dark (because your awsome): play a round of yugi oh cards with Yami Yugi. The loser has to lick 7586 dirty toilets till they're clean.
Love the story;) –Emmi
Link: I have to go against an entire organization of super-powered jackasses?
Author: You do that every game. Besides, you have Sora on your side.
Link: But it's Sora from the FIRST GAME!
Author:…You're right…But I'm feeling merciful. I'll make it Sora from KH II. Now…-warps everyone in the battle to the arena- BEGIN!
Sora: What? Where am I? I was just slashing some Heartless apart and now I'm here. What gives?
Link: You and I have to fight against all of Organization XIII.
Sora: Really? –looks around- HOLY CRAP!...Oh wait…I have one thing on my side.
Xemnas: And what would that be, Sora?
Demyx: I'd like to see what you could do with only a skirt-wearing fairy boy on your side!
Link: WHAT'D YOU SAY ABOUT ME? –is about to charge out to fight, but is stopped by Sora-
Sora: Wait…I'll take care of this. –uses a Rape-action Command to rape everybody up the ass with a tree-
Larxene: AAGH! It feels like my legs are going to fall apart!
Xaldin: GAAH! My ass is on fire! IT BURNS!
Saix: -feebly blowing a rape whistle-
Roxas: YOU IDIOT! I'M HALF OF YOU!
Sora: What? Oh…OH GOD! IT HURTS!
Author: -laughing his ass off- I always knew it! Reaction Commands rape everybody!...-gets some random convicted rapist to rape Link-
Link: AUTHOR, YOU BASTARD!
Ganondorf: A staring contest against a cat? No problem!
Xalin: She said you CAN'T blow in the cat's face.
Ganondorf: It's still no problem! –begins staring contest-
-30 MINUTES LATER-
Ganondorf: -straining to keep eyes open-
Rikrex: -calmly staring-
Ganondorf: WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? WHY DON'T YOU BLINK?
Rikrex: -gets alarmed by Ganondorf's yelling, and proceeds to claw his nostrils apart-
Ganondorf: -blinks- AAAGH! MY NOSTRILS!
Author: The winner is Rikrex! –kicks the cat out-
Vaati: -reads dare-…Oh dear Goddesses, I'm doomed…
Author: I don't know who Naraku is, so I'll replace her with Dora the Explorer.
Vaati: WHAT? First you have me fight Michael Jackson last chapter, and now I have to fight a perfect team of the Teletubbies, Barney, Barbie, and DORA? Jesus, man, do you WANT to be in pain?
Author:…Is Dora really that bad?
Vaati: Dammit man, I refuse to do this dare! –walks away-
Author:…Fine…I'd rather have somebody ELSE do this dare, anyways. –looks menacingly at Ruto-
Ruto:…What? Why are you looking at me like that?
Author: -warps Ruto in the arena along with Barney, Barbie, the Teletubbies, and Dora-
Ruto: Oh Goddesses, why do you people hate me so much? –ears start gushing fountains of blood when they all start singing-
Dora: -grabs a giant laser cannon- We need your help to blast this annoying fish creature to little bits! Can you tell us when she's almost dead? –waits about 10 seconds staring into space- Great! –blasts Ruto to little bits-
Author: That was…stupid. I almost feel sorry for Ruto. –warps them all away- Next dare…I don't know how to play Yugioh…Sooo…NEXT DARES!Wow, This chapter is so... Funny.
Link: well, yeah because you killed Elmo, TWICE!
Link: what are thinking?
Ridere: I wonder...
Ridere: I'm going to...
Link: JUST GET TO THE POINT ALREADY!
Ridere: Alright, Alright jeez! I gonna add a dare or 7! MUAHAHAHAHAHA. there.
Link: thank you.
Link, I want you to kiss all the girls in the room.(including ruto and Samus.)
Author, add Capt. Falcon for a dare.
Capt. Falcon, I dare you to FALCON PAWNCH Link then say, "SAMUS IS MINE B!"
Samus, Fire your lazah, then kick with the metal boot I gave you at Capt. Falcon's you...know crotch, for saying that.
Author, After they have done with this dare stuff them in a tank cannon and fire at the MOON!
Zelda, Be the Author's slave for a day. (don't even think about it Author!)
Ruto: Avoid Link, Because he got Rabies that is fatal to Zoras.
well, that all.
(P.s to the Author don't tell Ruto that I'm kidding or IMAFIRINMALAZAH at FISHFACE!(Ruto))
Link: Well…At least Ruto's dead. But where did Samus come from? –notices ZSS from SSBB in the corner-…Actually…I can live with that.
Author: I really have to tell you this, for my own personal enjoyment…Navi's a girl.
Author: -hypnotizes Link to kiss every girl in the room, including Ruto's still smoking ashes- HEY, CAPTAIN! Link was making out with YOUR girl!
Captain Falcon: -bursts straight through the floor, Falcon PAUNCHing Link on the way up-
Samus: Uhh…Sweetie, that was a dare.
Captain Falcon:…Oh…Alright, then, whatever…-puts his arm around Samus and walks out with her-
Samus: Wait. –stops Falcon- I have a dare myself. –reads dare-…Huh…Alright, whatever. –fires Zero Laser at Captain Falcon, then kicks him in the crotch-
Captain: -isn't affected by the laser, but completely collapses when kicked in the nuts- MY MANBERRIES! –faints-
Author:…Oookay…Weird. But it's MY turn now! –stuffs Falcon and Samus into a cannon and fires them at the Moon from MM, destroying it and saving the Four Giants a lot of time and effort-
Zelda: I have to be HIS slave? –points to Author-
Author: GET ME SOME CANDY! –hits Zelda in the head with the flat side of a butterknife-
Zelda: Ow! Fine! –gets Author some candy-
-ONE DAY OF MINDLESS LABOR LATER-
Ruto: -is dead-
Author:…You can still fire your laser at her, if you want.
Ridere: -FIRINHISLAZAH at Ruto, blasting her smoking ashes into oblivion-
Author: NEXT DARES!Other Side, by Aerosmith.
Marriage seems to be the predominant topic of my post.
Well done this time golf clap
Midna: Marry Link. You know you want to.
DL: Marry Zelda. You know she wants to.
Tingle: Marry Navi, and have a mutant midget-fairy child.
Ganondorf: Pick a woman to be force-wed to you. (I mean, whatever, it IS the Gerudo way)
Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf, play Super Smash Bros. Link plays as Ganondorf, Ganondorf plays as Zelda, and Zelda plays as Link.
Xalin: Take a pipe wrench or whatever to someone's head. Pipe wrench, pipe bomb, whichever.
And thats my life story!
-Cheats (and yes I DID on the music)
And if you didnt understand what that meant, look at my name, and then look at whats in the parenthesis, and look back at my name.
Author: Wow, somebody actually answered the lyrics! You get…-looks at the end-…A half-cookie. –gives cheat half-a-cookie-
Midna: Marry Link?...But I don't like him that much…
Link: Aw, come on, Midna, you know you want me!
Midna:…-backs away slowly-
Author: -hypnosis + Vegas wedding total shock in the morning- You can figure out what that means, right?
Dark: YAY! I get Zelda all to myself!
Zelda: But…But I'm not a lesbian!
Xalin: You'd better learn to be one! –see above wedding, only with more girls at the reception, and lots of strangers filming the honeymoon-
Batter: -reads dare for fun-…Are…Are you kidding me? The spawn of Tingle AND Navi would make our ears rip themselves off our heads out of annoyance! YOU SICK BASTARD! –runs away, but then gets eaten by a random midget hobo-
Ganondorf: Oh dear Goddesses…
-10 MONTHS LATER-
Everybody but Author: -dead-
Author: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE RAPING MY EARDRUMS!
Author: -turns back time, stopping that dare from ever happening-…You know, fucked up shit always happens whenever people turn back time, but I don't really care right now…Nothing could be worse than a future like…THAT. –shudders- Next dare…-shudders again-
Ganondorf: Oooh! This is awesome! I pick…SAMUS! (DUN-DUN-DUUUUUNNNN…)
Samus: -gets warped back to the studio- What am I doing back here?
Ganondorf: WE'RE GETTING MARRIED, BABY!
Captain Falcon: -dives through the skylight on the studio roof- Dad…How…How could you marry my girl?
Ganondorf: It is the Gerudo way, my son. One day, you shall be able to choose your own wife, but I have made my choice. And I have chosen Samus. Now get over it.
Captain Falcon: NEVER! I challenge you to a PAUNCH-off!
Ganondorf: Fine, I accept! Winner gets Samus!
Xalin: Well, this is a nice turn of events.
Batter: Yeah, I'll say. This is gonna be great!
Ilia: Wait, Batter? Didn't you get eaten? I don't remember Author reviving you…
Batter: Well…-tells about a long journey that basically rips off the plot of the latest Indiana Jones movie-
-FOUR HOURS LATER-
Batter:…So…Yeah…That's how I wound up here.
Link: Shut up, man! The PAUNCH off is about to start!
Author: You each know the rules of the PAUNCH off, so please…Once I step into the safety hut, you may begin! –steps into the safety hut and rings a bell-
Captain Falcon and Ganondorf: -both walk into the middle of the ring-
Captain Falcon: FALCONE…
Both: PAUNCH! –PAUNCH each other, creating a nuclear explosion-
Everyone but Author, Falcon, and Ganondorf: -completely obliterated from existence-
Author:…-blinks a few times-…Wooooowww…-steps out of the now destroyed safety hut- You know what? Have the girl, Falcon. Ganondorf, it was enough to get into a full-blown PAUNCH off for me. –revives everyone and warps Falcon and Samus away-
Ganondorf: But…But she was so hot…
Author: Yeah…Sucks to be you. NEXT DARE!
Link: -reads dare- I have to be THAT guy?
Zelda: I have to play as him?
Ganondorf: Yes! I get to play as Zelda! She's actually good!
Zelda: -aside, to Link- Hey, Link, whaddaya say we go after Ganondorf? Then we can have a good, clean fight.
Link: Deal. Ganondorf is going down!
-ONE EXTREMELY LOPSIDED MATCH LATER-
SSBB Announcer: This game's winner is…Zelda!
Zelda: What the hell were you thinking, Link? You know that Ganondorf doesn't have any projectiles!
Link: Well you should know that I don't have any sweet-spots for my front and back-air kicks!
Ganondorf: -basking in the glow of victory-
Author: You keep bask-glowing. Next dare.
Xalin: -reads dare-…Cheat…You are freakin' awesome. –evil smile, grabs a pipe wrench, and turns menacingly towards…Nabooru and Vaati, who are making out in a corner-
Vaati: Hey, Xalin…What're you doing with that pipe wrench? Why are you looking at us like that?...OH GODDESSES, NO!
Xalin: -emerges from the corner with lots of blood all over his face and clothes- I'm happy now...-smiles-
Author: Good to know…Oh damn, finally, we're done!
A/N: You people love me too much…TOO MANY DARES! DAMN! –dies-
No doubt, this is my longest chapter yet. About 20 pages of writing! I hope you like it, or else you can just suck your own ass out!...But not really, you know I love you guys!
Anyways, congratulations to cheatscanner for getting last chapter's lyric game correct. Again, it's The Other Side, by Aerosmith. Here's this chapter's lyric game:
I don't know what I'm to say
I'll say it anyway
Today's another day to find you
I'll be coming for you love, O.K.
Next up is another shameless plug. If you enjoy this fic, check out "So Much for You: Truth or Dare" by DixieGurl56. It's a Mario ToD fic with a lot of the same humor as this fic, only with Mario characters! Make sure to check that fic out and review, as she will only update with a minimum of three reviews per chapter.
Seriously. Check that fic out. I mean it.
Finally, please make sure to R&R this fic as well, as I love you people so very, VERY much. –freezes you all in nitrogen, then crushes you underneath a steamroller-…I LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH…-eye twitch-
But please…This time…Not so many dares, alright? I have a lot on my mind…Like the PSATs. –shudders-
|Tue Jun 08, 2010 6:58 pm
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:51 pm
Re: Truth or Dare: Legend of Zelda
Author: Yay! It's time for a 3-day weekend! I can relax now, and what better way to do so than by writing a new chapter where I torture some bastards for the readers' entertainment! –lets loose some rabid dogs on Tingle and Link-
Batter: I understand killing Tingle, but why Link?
Author: I dunno, I just felt like it…-orders rabid dogs to eat Batter-
Batter: OH GODDESSES! YOU BASTARD! –gets ripped apart and shoved down the dogs' throats-
Author: Yay! FIRST DARES!Im Back (evil voice with vowels going on for several minutes) had to use the parenthasis because the site doesnt allow review to do multiple letters of the same kind in a row...suck I KNOW!
but, i have some great news author, YOUR A DADDY! (holds up a small purple glowing fairy)
yep, remember when you got really drunk and had to do embarrasing things, well, apparently you have sex, multiple time, with navi...without a condom, so here is the love child YOU NEVER WANTED! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA, but really, hes not that bad, he's just like you, only inhereting his mother's love for annoying the fk out of ppl, but he does know when to stop. that...and he is, well, a fairy. and one more thing, YOU CANT KILL HIM OR HIS MOTHER FOR ALL THE CHAPTER , and now, according to Kokiri tradition, as soon as a fairy's child is given to the father...he will die...unless married to the fairy's mother...so, yeah, you gotta marry navi, and marriage means more sex, so yeah, im cruel, but ill be merciful today, *gives Navi Adderol, a drug used to treat ADD and ADHD* there, now she will act like a normal...person, and now for the dares of everyone else.
-Guess what, Zelda, Tetra, Ilia, Malon, Romani, Saria, AND Nabooru get to have sex with you...at the SAME TIME!, ps, its not Dark who is recieving this dare, its regular link, HAH!
Author-have sex with nevi in front of everyone, and you HAVE to enjoy it, and NO BACKING OUT, or you are a little **.
All the gerudos-is there a reason that you dont like children?
thats all i got today. Hope it all works out in my favor. and btw, watch this vid.
BREAKDANCING SPARTAN BEAR!(also bring the breakdancing Leonidus bear into the story)and also, just listen to the regular Streamline song, its awsome. tho it is techno.
May your blade strike true,
Author: Wow, that's a long response! –reads first dare-…-blinks a few times-…
Xalin:…What's the matter? –reads dare, eyes widen- Oh dear Jeebuz, no fucking way…
Author: -calmly turns towards the reader (THAT'S YOU. YEAH, YOU. THE ONE READING THIS MESSAGE IN PARENTHESES.)-…Do you all happen to remember how, at the end of the last chapter, I said that I really love you all for reading and reviewing my story? Well, I TAKE THAT BACK. –chops off the readers' heads with a machete, shoots them in the torso with a Gatling gun so many times that a spinal cord is all that remains, and then calls down a Black Wizard from FF1 to completely obliterate the remains with Flare- FUCK YOU ALL TO…Wait…Was that even what happened…? –goes to the review page-
Midna:…Damn, what made him so pissy?
Xalin: Just read the fucking dare! –shows everybody the dare- Remember how somebody dared Author and Navi to come in first and second place in a drinking contest in Chapter 4 and then do it? Well, this is the end result.
Navi: Damn, 9 months went by that quickly? I almost didn't even feel the kid coming out…Almost…
Ganondorf: -stares at Navi for a moment before backing away slowly- I…did not need to know that. –shifts his eyes back and forth-
Author: I FOUND IT! I FOUND A LOOPHOLE! !
Xalin: What? What is it?
Author: ME AND NAVI NEVER REALLY HAD SEX! The dare only said that I had to go out on a date with her, which I did! But (Bill Clinton impression)I did NOT have sexual relations with that spawn of Satan!(/Bill Clinton impression)
Ilia: Pretty good impression, Author.
Author: Thanks. But that's what happened. Therefore, since I didn't impregnate Navi, that little guy does not exist.
New Fairy: -disappears-
Author: Also, since there's no threat of death, I don't have to marry Navi! YAY! Next dare!
Link: -gets revived, then reads dare- OH, FUCK YEAH!...'Cept for maybe Tetra…She's 12 years old, or something.
Dark: Dammit…-walks away in a slump-
Link: -goes into a bedroom where every non-annoying Zelda girl is waiting for Link to do them-
-ONE MASSIVE ORGY LATER-
Link: -crawls out with a huge grin plastered on his face-…So…Awesome…Vaati, you were right, Nabooru IS good.
Vaati: Yeah, I know.
Author: Next dare! –reads dare-…Dammit, I don't wanna! –throws a huge tantrum- I'd rather be a little…whatever-word-you-were-trying-to-censor-at-the-end! –warps Navi away-
Nabooru: We don't like children because they're loud and annoying. They completely ruin our thieving runs sometimes.
Author: NEXT DARES!P-PSATs? ... NO! -runs off into distance crying-
Link: Dress up as Mario and preform Mario things... Including supa mushrooms!
Ganondorf: Dress up like Tingle and act completely like him, or you'll be forced to eat a plate of deep fried cow eyes.
Sorry I don't have many, but that should be good since you have so many other reviewers :]
(Also, I'm gussing the lyrics are Take On Me by A-ha! Love that song X3)
Link: Mario? That shroom addicted, lazy, do-nothing plumber that just goes around jumping on stuff? You've gotta be kidding me!
Author: Just do it, "lazy, do-nothing" swordsman. It's all for the reader. –holds up that famous red hat and pair of blue overalls- Oh, and before I forget, you are correct, Cassi! –gives Cassi a cookie-
Link: -is dressed like Mario- Alright, what do I have to do?
Author: Hmmm…-maniacally evil smile-
Ganondorf: Oh, this is gonna be good…I can feel it in my sideburns.
Xalin: Author, dude…you aren't gonna make him do…THAT LEVEL…are you?
Author: -warps Link into SMW's Tubular level- FEEL THE PAIN OF MILLIONS OF TORTURED SOULS WHO HAVE GONE INSANE FROM THIS BITCH OF A LEVEL! !
Link: -clears it in 36 seconds-…Umm…Where was the "bitch of a level" part?
Author:…Fuck you, Link. Just….fuck you. –burns Link with the flames of hell- Next dare.
Ganondorf: I'd rather eat the cow eyes.
Author: Woo! Fear Factor time! –straps Ganondorf into a chair and shoves a plate of deep fried cow eyes in front of him- Eat the entire plate, or else you will get a spike shoved up your ass. NOW!
Ganondorf: -shoves entire face into the plate-
Midna: -gags a bit-
Zelda: -throws up all over Malon-
Malon: -throws up all over Ruto-
Ruto: -faints from being puked on-
Author: Puke-fest! AWESOME! NEXT DARES! I'M HIGH ON SUGAR! –starts running around the walls-
Batter: -gets revived- God help us all, the Author is hyper as all hell!Oh my word, this was intense! (Yahuh, I'm a new reviewer, you just earned yourself another reviewer, yippie for you. Ya.
K, on to the dares.
Link: You know Ilia? Now you won't. Take Epona and run over Ilia 50 times. Maybe perhaps you'll control her for 8 seconds! (TP Cucoo Joke)
Zelda: Why do you let Link always work for you like a slave? I dare you to challenge Ganondorf to a Man-to-Woman duel. Enjoy!
Navi: Go pull out the 4 sword and Stay like that for the whole chapter. Enjoy your Annoyingness * 4!
Vaati: Go you! You are awesome!
Saria: Kiss Link in front of all the Link Fangirls. Enjoy.
Malon: Cut your hair to 1cm! And stay like that!
Author: Let Tingle and Ganondorf switch lives. This'll be fun...
Xalin: Fight to the death with Elmo. (Yes, I believe Elmo is evil too.) *Gets out popcorn*
Link:…Alright, whatever. –mounts Epona and tramples all over Ilia 50 times-
Author: Boring…-shoots Link in the face with a rocket launcher-
Zelda: He isn't my slave! Link, fetch me a coffee.
Link: -writhing on the ground in absolute pain, the front of his skull exposed and his head on fire-
Zelda: Link, I said get me a coffee!...Dammit, boy, do you WANT to get whipped?
Author: This is getting very annoying. –warps Zelda and Ganondorf into the arena-
Ganondorf: -taps Zelda on the shoulder-
Ganondorf: Uhh…Wow…-shifts eyes, then randomly stabs Zelda's corpse-
Author: Nice move, Ganondorf. I approve. Next dare!
Navi: Alright! Party! –grabs the Four Sword and splits herself into four copies, then goes on a HEYLOOKLISTEN ear-raping spree-
Batter: Oh dear God, WHYYYY? –starts bleeding from the ears-
Ruto: IT BURRRRRNNSSSSSS…-faints from blood loss-
Author: Oh God, AUTHOR POWERS! –AUTHOR POWERS do nothing- Whuh…What? WHY WON'T THEY WORK?
Navi #1: Because the reviewer said…
Navi #2:…that we would stay like this…
Navi #3:…for the entire chapter!
Original Navi: Isn't that great?
All Navis: !
Author: Oh God, NOO! –summons Captain Falcon- CAPTAIN! PAUNCH THE NAVIS!
Captain Falcon: FALCONE…PAAAAWWWWNNCCCHHHHH! –FALCONE PAWNCH-es all the Navis, blowing them up-
Author: Oh man…thanks, Captain. I thought we were…-gets PAWNCH-ed-
Captain: That was for stealing my car back in Chapter 3!
Author: Owwww…author…powers…-heals self and the rest of the crew, then warps Captain Falcon away- Next dare!
Vaati: Thank you!
Xalin: That was boring. –slits Vaati's throat-
Saria: -reads dare- YAY! –tackles Link to the ground and makes out with him-
Zelda, Malon and Ruto: -seething with anger-
Navi: -pleasures herself with Link's hair…AGAIN-
Malon: But…but I LOOOVVE my hair! It's one of the only things I take any pride and joy in!
Xalin: All the more fun for us, then! –straps Malon in a chair and grabs a razor-
-30 MINUTES LATER-
Malon: -clutches her hair clippings while weeping- Why would you do this to me? WHHYYYYYY?
Xalin: Because, my dear, I'm a jackass. –kicks a hobo and signs a contract binding that hobo to the status of legal guardian to an orphan-
Author: -reads dare-…No. If I did, this chapter would come out even later than now. It's already been 3 weeks for God's sake! NEXT DARE!
Xalin: -reads dare, eyes widen- I HAVE TO FIGHT ELMO?
Author: Huh? –reads dare-…Apparently, yes. Yes you do. You have to fight Elmo to the death.
Xalin: But…but I'll get slaughtered!
Author: Not my problem. NOW GO! –transports Xalin and Elmo to the arena-
Xalin: Oh man, oh God, I'm totally screwed…-stares at Elmo's unblinking gaze-
Elmo: -his pupils lead to a deep abyss of pure darkness and pain, where Xalin goes insane…in about 4 seconds-
Author: Whoa, it's just like with Lucas from Mother 3! –notices a picture of Lucas- Oh God, get it away! –rips the picture up and restores Xalin's sanity, then warps everybody except Elmo back-
Elmo: Aww, nobody wants to pway wid me…-stares at the reader- Will YOU pway wid me? –turns his head completely upside down for no reason other than fucking with you-
Author: Next dares…-shudders-Awesome chapter! I have some interesting dares...
Author: Shove Navi into a pumpkin! That way you'll have a jacko'lantern!
Malon and Talon: Contract your ranch over to some fast food companies! (More Big Macs and Cuccoo McNuggets for everyone!)
Link: Try some Cuccoo McNuggets! (Don't you dare say "Tastes like chicken"!)
Ganondorf: Don't you think your mom (Twinrova) is a little overprotctive at times?
Mido: Tell some lumber companies about the Deku Tree! (I'm sure they will be VERY interested)
Author: Sweet! I've always wanted a talking, annoying, blue jack 'o' lantern! –carves the face of The Dark Knight's Joker into a pumpkin and shoves Navi inside, so that the face is glowing bright blue-
Navi: -starts doing a perfect impression of Heath's Joker, using his most famous quotes- WHY...SO…SERIOUS?
Author: Wow, she's actually a pretty good impressionist.
Malon: Umm…OK, I guess that we could do something like that for a bit. Right, Daddy?
Talon: -is in a coma-
Malon:…Huh…Weird. –sells some cows and Cuccos to McHyrule's-
McHyrule's Exec: -trademarked businessman asshole smile- Believe me, we will make sure to give every last bit of credit to you as the hard-working co-owners of this fine farm for supplying us with these animals.
Malon: Really? –hopeful-
Exec: NOOO! BWAHAHAHAHAAA! –tortures the cows and chickens, removes every bit of potential nutrition and taste in them, and mass produces and markets crappy burgers and chicken to the public-
Link: Ehh, I've had better Cucco nuggets. The Cucco over at Kokiri Fried Cucco is way better.
Mido: Try our new 4-piece meal today, and receive 5 minutes of sex with Saria for free! –gets tackled by a mob of horny…er, HUNGRY customers…Yeah, hungry…-
Ganondorf: No, my mommy loves me! I'm her little Ganny-poo.
Zelda and Xalin: -snicker at Ganondorf's nickname-
Mido: Hey, lumber companies! Chop down the Great Deku Tree and recieve 5 minutes of sex with Saria for free! –gets tackled by a mob of lumberjacks-
Author: NEXT DARES! WOOO!...I liked it.
Hrm... Lets go with sum truths this time.
Zelda (from TP): WTF happened to yo daddy? where he be?
Godesses: Where are you in the games (other than the cutscenes), and why cant you help Link out?
Link: Tell us one random fact about your childhood.
Tingle: Dont tell us anything. just.. be quiet. forever.
Navi: ...read tingle's thing... erm, his dare.
Xalin: Yes, I am awesome. so... ill give you a new weapon and new quest today: You must scale Death Mountain, and take out the Goron populus... with dynamite.
Take On Me by A-ha (...now before you say "congrats you get w/ever for winning"... think about it, then I would like the other half of my cookie)
Author: It'll be kind of hard to eat a cookie-half that's already been digested and expelled from my body. But have fun digging! –gives Cheat a pickaxe and shoves him in a septic tank- THAT'S FOR CHEATING, BITCH! –evil laugh-
Zelda: My dad…uhh…I'm not sure what happened to him. Maybe he was in a coma the entire time. I dunno.
Nayru: We're in Castle Town in the Minish Cap, but other than that, we usually hang out in the sky. It's like your version of heaven up there.
Batter: Sounds sweet.
Farore: Yeah, like this big bottle of maple syrup I have.
Batter: Yeah, like syrup!...Wait…Aw, FUCK!
Farore: -pours the entire bottle of syrup all over Batter's head-
All 3 Goddesses: -eat Batter-
Link: I used to be allergic to fairy dust.
Mido: But now he's living Claritin-clear! Order a box today, and recieve 5 minutes of sex with Saria for free! –gets tackled by a mob of allergy-sufferers who want a little "something" on the side-
Xalin: God, how many shameless plugs is he going to do?
Tingle: YOU CANNOT STOP THE MAGIC OF FAIRIES! –dances around spastically to Surfing Bird by The Trashmen-
Author: Oh, God, SHUT UP! –shoots Tingle through the head-
Navi: He's already dead…Yay! No dare!
Author: Oh, God, SHUT UP! –shoots Navi through the head (Yay for copy-paste!)-
Xalin: Okay…it's slightly less awesome than last chapter's dare, but I'll do it. –jumps from boulder to boulder and reaches the top of Death Mountain, where all the Gorons are asleep-
Random Goron: -is asleep-
Xalin: Hehe, this is going to be too easy! –shoves a stick of TNT up each Goron's ass, leaps down to the bottom of the mountain, then detonates all the TNT-
All Gorons: -OMFGASPLOSIONWTFLOLOLOLOLOL!111!1shift+one!1eleven!11!-
Author: NEXT DARES!Zant: DAMN IT ZANT, I SAID CHUG AS MANY (BEEP)ING BEERS AS YOU CAN IN CHAPTER 13! SO DO IT!
Midna: SLEEP WITH LINK!
Everyone: Kill Metaknight.
Toon Link and Young Link: Go meet Micheal Jackson.
Zant: WHEE! BEER BINGING! -binges on several six-packs of beer-
Xalin: Is...is he okay?
Zant: -falls asleep-
Author: Wow, that was fast.
Midna: What? But...But I don't wanna!
Link: YAY! SEXY TIME! -drags Midna into a nearby bedroom-
-FOUR HOURS LATER-
Midna: -takes a cold shower and sets her clothes on fire- Unclean...So disgusting...Link is lousy at having sex...
Batter: Wow, it's been a while since a girl has taken a cold shower and burned her clothes on this fic.
Author: Yeah...Metaknight wasn't really in this fic, Xalin just transformed into Metaknight that one time. But...-skewers Xalin with a pitchfork- Everybody! KILL XALIN!
Everybody: -randomly beats Xalin to a bloody pulp-
Malon: -crushes Xalin with her coma-stricken fatass father-
Toon Link: WHAT? -hides under a couch-
Young Link: We have to meet WACKO-JACKO? HIDE ME! -joins in hiding under a couch-
Author: This is gonna be funny! AUTHOR POWERS! -warps T.L and Y.L to Neverland Ranch-
Jacko: Hello, little boys! Would you like to play with me? I have some sweet round things you can suck on!
Both Links: Oh, Goddesses, HEEEELLLPPP! -get dragged into Jacko's ranch-
Author: Those poor bastards...Buuuttt...Awesome! I'm finally done!
A/N: Finally! Damn, I thought this would never end! I don't know what took so long, but don't be surprised if it happens again…Jeez, almost a month since last update. I feel…proud…in a twisted way.
Also, I know. I am the master of loopholes. -victory dance-
Last chapter's lyric game answer was Take On Me by A-Ha. I also would have accepted Take On Me by Reel Big Fish, since they covered it. Here's this chapter's lyric game!
I met a girl who sang the blues,
And I asked her for some happy news, but
She just smiled and turned away.
I went down to the sacred store
Where I'd heard the music years before,
But the man there said the music wouldn't play.
And in the streets the children screamed,
The lovers cried and the poets dreamed.
But not a word was spoken.
The church bells all were broken.
And the three men I admired most:
The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost,
They caught the last train for the coast.
Those last few lines should make this really easy. If not, I'll be pretty certain that you live in a cave and have never had contact with a stereo in your entire life.
In other news, I got Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia, and it kicks ass! But my parents took away all my games for NO REASON, which sucks ass…Oh well, I'll survive…somehow.
And lastly, PLEASE REVIEW! KBB, OUT! WOOO!
|Tue Jun 08, 2010 7:03 pm
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 5:51 pm
Re: Truth or Dare: Legend of Zelda
Author: Woo! I'm feeling good today! I don't know why, but I am!
Xalin: Your parents just got your grades and found out that you missed some assignments in English, U.S History, and Biology and you lied to their faces about it! HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY BE FEELING HAPPY RIGHT NOW?
Author: Because they took it so well! –happy dance-
Batter: Wow, his parents must be pretty chilled out.
Author: -thinks about how they basically ripped my ears off by yelling at me a lot- No, they aren't exactly chilled out, but they can be a hell of a lot worse. –shudders- Anyways, I've got my work cut out for me this chapter, so let's get started! DARE ME UP!
For the lyric game...I THINK it's The Day Chicago Died?
Anyway, DARE TIMEE! BWHAHHAA. YOU SHALL BE PUNISHED FOR NOT UPDATING EVERY DAY!
Link: Hmm. Let's see-you need to kiss Midna or something. Show her how you feel!
Ilia: Go on a date with a greedy moblin. This should be funny.
Ganondorf: Go on a date with...Telma!
Ilia(after your date):Battle NAVI to the DEATH!
That's it. Huh.
Author: INCORRECT! –drops fishylishy down a trapdoor leading to Elmo-
Link: Okay. –kisses Midna on the cheek- I don't really love Midna, but she is a good friend.
Midna: Yeah, well, you should count yourself lucky you didn't take it any farther! I would have ripped you to shreds if you did. –is secretly a little heartbroken-
Ilia: Err…Alright…I guess…-gets ready to go-
-90 MINUTES LATER-
Moblin: Me Moblin. Me called Mel. Mel here to take girl away. Where girl?
Batter: Hold on a moment, Mel. ILIA! MEL'S HERE! ARE YOU READY YET? YOU'VE BEEN UP THERE FOR THE PAST 90 MINUTES, DAMMIT!
Ilia: Alright, I'm coming! Goddesses, you're such a nag!
Mel: -grabs Ilia by the face and drags her to a back alley where she is stripped and robbed of all of her possessions- -he then goes to sell the stuff on eBay-
Xalin: Oh, that's gotta suck…
Author: Yeah, maybe I made Mel a little TOO greedy…Next dare.
Ganondorf: But…but I don't like big girls!
Telma: And I don't like men who wear curlers in their hair!
Author: Well then, sucks to be you! AUTHOR POWERS! –hypnotizes Ganondorf into seducing Telma and Telma into thinking that Ganondorf is Renado- You two crazy kids have fun now. –pushes them out the door-
-3 HOURS AND TWO SESSIONS OF GOOD TIMES UNDER THE PIER LATER-
Ganondorf: -panting heavily- That was…awesome…
Telma: You were amazing, Renado.
Ganondorf: Thank y-Wait, what? Renado?
Telma: -suddenly snaps out of her trance- Uhhh…I'd better go now…-hurriedly leaves-
Author: Awkward…Next dare! Ilia, you have to fight Navi to the death. Have fun.
Ilia: Aw, COME ON! Can't I get a break? I just got mugged!
Author: No. –warps everyone to the arena- READY, SET, GO!
Navi: -grabs another giant toothpick, skewers Ilia's head with it, and sticks it into the ground so that Ilia is flapping in the wind like a banner-
Author: That was fast. –warps everyone back, then lights Navi on fire- I love that part. NEXT DARES!
...I'm NOT going in there. Im going to stick with my half of cookie.
However, this song was very, very easy.
It was American Pie, idk who wrote it but I know the lyrics.
er, some of them.
I didnt cheat. So now I have 1 cookie + a half a cookie.
Everyone: Play World of Warcraft, and then fight eachother collectively when you are all level 70s.
i might think of something later but im tired.
Author: Alright, fine. Here's your cookie. –gives you a cookie- And I'm excluding myself from this dare and instead, I'll be the montage creator.
Xalin: Aw, come on! I like video games, but I don't want to get hooked on the drug of all MMO's!
Author: Don't worry, I'll erase all memories of this dare when it's all been said and done. Now…TIME FOR A TRAINING MONTAGE! TRAIN LIKE YOU'VE NEVER TRAINED BEFORE WHILE "LIVE TO WIN" BY PAUL STANLEY PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND! –puts on Live To Win by Paul Stanley as every character goes off to train- (A/N: I'll be pulling random WoW-sounding terms out of my ass, so…yeah. Just to let you know)
Xalin: -quietly slinks away before the montage starts and goes out to get a burger-
-OVER 9000 HOURS OF LEVEL-GRINDING, CHEETO-EATING, AND N00B-PWNZRING LATER-
Author: Alright, everybody seems to be at level 70 in-game. Are you all ready for a BATTLE ROYALE?
Batter: Totally, d00dz! My Elf-Lich Hybrid Mutant will roxor your soxorz!
Dark: NO WAI! My Priest of Hades iz going 2 kill u off in no time, bitchez!
Author: Nerdy pre-battle banter aside, let's get started! 3, 2, 1, GOOOO!
Tingle: -summons Polar Bears and attacks everyone with razor edges on his shoes- TINGLE, TINGLE, KOOLOO-LIMPAH, BITCHES!
Nabooru: -uses Dark Tentacle-Molestation spell to dry hump Tingle and the Polar Bears-
Polar Bears: -run away to look for a counselor-
Tingle: NUU! MY BEAR MINIONS! WHHYYYY- -gets cut off as Link stabs him in the head-
Link: BOOM! HEADSHOT! –whips around and shields against Malon's hammer-
Majora: -stands off to one side, charging up energy for a spell equivalent in power to a meteor made of fucking nukes crashing into the Earth-
Ganondorf: -joins in charging up energy for a barrier spell for Majora and himself-
Malon: -cripples Link and tramples all over him with her Epona summon, killing him-
Dark: -uses Pyromania to go crazy with FIIIIIYYYAAAAAHHHH!- -burns Navi a bit-
Navi: -punches Dark into a nearby boulder, shattering the boulder and burying her in rubble-
Batter: -clamps Navi in a waffle iron and turns it on, turning her into an earth-element throwing waffle- -throws the waffle at Ruto-
Ruto: -attempts to absorb the waffle with a shield of water, but the waffle crashes straight through it- -the waffle goes straight through her head, leaving a basketball-sized hole in between her eyes-
Midna: -materializes behind Batter and slits his throat as he revels in his victory-
Majora: NOW! JUDGEMENT IS UPON US! –releases his spell, sending a brilliant ball of light flying into the sky and then hurtling back down to the ground below-
Ganondorf: -creates a barrier around him and Majora just as the spell hits the ground-
Majora: Worked like a charm. Now then…Ganondorf…Let us settle this.
Ganondorf: Couldn't have said it better myself. –charges towards Majora-
Dark: -bursts out of the rubble- HA! That spell only affects players on the surface, and I was underground! NOW! DRAGON GOD'S RAMPAGE! –turns into a massive serpent-like dragon made of FIIIIIYYYAAAAAHHHH and incinerates Majora and Ganondorf-
Author: What a turn of events! The winner of this surprisingly interesting Battle Royale is DARK LINK!...AUTHOR POWERS! –wipes the effects of OVER 9000 hours of WoW away from the cast-
Xalin: -walks in with a stolen TV under one arm and his other around a supermodel- Hey, idiots, what did I miss?
Author: Whuh…Where have you been?
Xalin: Long story, tell you later. –takes the supermodel upstairs for some good times-
Author: Huh…I'd rather not know, really. Next dares! (A/N: Most fun I've had writing a dare in a while. XD)
This gets funnier and funnier! I feel in the mood for romance today...so LOTS of sex ahead!
Saria: (T) When did you become a corporate prostitute? (see chapter 14) Explain the story!
Link: Haha! Midna said you sucked at sex! Well, to help you out...I'll dare you to sleep with Saria so you can gain experience!
Midna: NOW have sex with Link, and see if he's improved!(shows her a bedroom)
Ruto: (points to same bedroom while Link and Midna are in there) I think you'll find something interesting if you go in there right now!
Poor Link...but the suffering's totally worth it! XD
Author: Thanks, that means a lot from my first reviewer. Hi-five. –hi-fives jackattack, shattering his hand-
Saria: I never wanted to do any of that stuff! Mido just put deals out that involved me whoring myself out!
Author: Mido, I have gained a newfound respect for you. Hi-five. –hi-fives Mido, shattering his hand-
Batter: What's with all the hi-fives, Author?
Author: It's not really an excuse to hi-five somebody. It's more of an excuse to shatter people's hands. Hi-five?
Batter: Back off, man. Seriously…I know waffle-fu! WAFFLE-FU!
Author: Too bad. AUTHOR POWERS. –forces Batter into a hi-five, shattering his hand in the process-
Link: I'm not that bad…-becomes self-conscious-…wait, I get to do it with Saria? Cool! –tosses Saria into a bedroom and starts bumping uglies (watch Scrubs if you want to know what that means, although it's pretty easy to figure out….)-
-10 MINUTES LATER-
Saria: -comes out panting, with her hair sticking up everywhere-
Link: Alright, Midna, I'm ready!
Midna: Ugh…this had better be worth my time, wolf-boy.
-5 MINUTES LATER-
Author: Well, I think now would be a good time for Ruto to do her dare.
Xalin: Agreed. HEY, RUTO, LINK IS IN THAT BEDROOM, AND HE WANTS TO TAKE YOU UP ON YOUR OFFER OF MARRIAGE! HE WANTS A HONEYMOON NOW!
Ruto: -crashes through the ceiling, landing in front of the door-FINALLY! I'M COMING MY LINKY-KINS! –rams through the door, seeing Link and Midna in bed- Li…Linky-kins…I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR! –jumps out a nearby window-
Author: FINALLY, RUTO IS DEAD! (A/N: IT'S FUN TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS WITH LOTS OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!) NEXT DARES!
The day the music died.
And It's Blood Crystals with a NEW NAME...again...but I said chapter where you did EMBARRASING THINGS like when youd smoked all of that planted weed. THATS when you fked Navi...So, same first dare from last one. HAH! also, you didn't include the breakdancing Leonidus bear. Look it up on youtube. Also, I want to see you pull a Rick Roll-Techno Style on someone in this chapter.
Link-take a cherry bomb, light it, and drop it in your pants.
Zant-cut IT off.
Midna-admit you love elmo and have slept with EVERYONE HERE!
Malon-guess what? Nothing for you...NOT! Repeated sex with Xalin...over...and over...and over...
Xalin-If Malon doesn't have sex with you, rip out her ovaries and force feed them to Tingle.
Tingle-if Malon DOES have sex with Xalin, you have to rape Ganon and Vaati.
Ganon-If you get raped by Tingle, you have to say you LOVED IT!
Vaati-If you didn't get raped by Tingle, rape Ganon.
Navi-Rape the author, then Impregnate yourself with his seed. Then, TIME WARP, and the baby is born.
Aryll-Burn Tetra's ship, then run to Toon Link and say Ganon did it.
Tetra-Tell Toon Link your preggerz.
Tetra-Explain to T. Link's granny why you're pregnant.
T. Link's Granny- Beat Tetra with a pot and pan and call her a **, **, bimbo, prostitute, and any others that come to mind.
Everyone-Stab the person to your left, kiss the chest of the person to your right, then rip out your sex organs.
-Heaven&Hell, a.k.a SADISTIC JACKASS
Author: First off, congratulations. Your entire review takes up an entire page on Microsoft Word. And second, I already told you that there's a loophole out of that, but I'll just tell these good people what that loophole is. All that happened to me in that dare was that I got a really bad headache. NO SEX. Therefore, that dare is made null and void. AGAIN.
Xalin: You don't mess with a kid whose family consists of nothing but lawyers. He WILL find a loophole.
Author: I AM THE GOD OF LOOPHOLES! BWAAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAAA! FEAR ME!...-cough-…sorry. Anyways, I saw the video, I just forgot to mention it last chapter.
Leonidas Bear: -starts breakdancing to Steamline while shouting "THIS IS SPARTA" in time with the song-
Author: Awesome. –blows him up- Anyways, on to the real dares. Oh, and NO RICK-ROLLS. Seriously.
Link: WHAT? But I don't wanna!
Author: Too bad! –lights a cherry bomb and hypnotizes Link to stretch his waistband, dropping the cherry bomb in-
Link: GAAAAAAH! –his pants explode and light his entire body on fire- -runs around screaming and flailing his arms wildly-
Zant: But…but I LOVE IT!...what is IT anyways?
Batter: I'm assuming that IT is your crotch.
Zant: Oh, I don't have anything down there.
Malon: Wait, you're a GIRL?
Zant: No, silly! I just cut that off a long time ago just to see what would happen! –turns his head completely around for fun-
Everyone else: -takes a few steps away from Zant-
Midna: But I hate Elmo, and I've only slept with Link and Oni!
Author:…Dammit…my eternal enemy…FACTS. Next dare. –stabs a hobo with a baseball bat…don't ask how-
Malon: No! I refuse!
Xalin: Fine by me. –rips Malon's ovaries out of her body and forces them down Tingle's throat as Vaati rapes Ganondorf-
Ganondorf: AAAAAARRGH! It's supposed to be the other way around, dammit!
Author: Hehe, Ganondorf's pissed. –revives Malon, then reads next dare-…Fine. I'll do it.
Xalin:…-calmly walks away- -gets a cup of coffee- -returns and takes a sip of the coffee- -chokes on the coffee and spits it all over Tingle- WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT? WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE AUTHOR? –shakes me violently back and forth-
Tingle: -gets boiling hot coffee in his eyes while he's still choking on Malon's ovaries-
Author: Relax, I have a way out. –whispers into Xalin's ear-
Xalin:…Wow, seriously? Good idea. It's reversible, right?
Author: Of course.
Xalin: Good call, man.
Author: God, this is still going to be disgusting. –walks into a bedroom with Navi-
-5 MINUTES LATER (He wants to get it over with as quickly as possible. _)-
Saria: Do you think they're done yet?
-TIME WARP, 9 MONTHS INTO THE FUTURE-
Majora:…apparently, yes. –everyone rushes in the bedroom to see Navi's baby-
Navi: -is NOT pregnant-
Dark: Wait, what? How did you find your way out of this one, Author?
Author: Simple. I made myself sterile.
Author: -reverses it- And now I'm better. NEXT DARE! (DO NOT MESS WITH THE LOOPHOLE GOD!)
Aryll: But…but Tetra is cool! She's like my big sister!
Author: Yeah, OK, that's nice. –couldn't care less- AUTHOR POWERS! –hypnotizes Aryll to set Tetra's ship on fire and then blame it on Ganondorf-
Toon Link: WHHHHAAAAAAAAATTT? –cartoon eye twitch- -stabs Ganondorf through the head AGAIN, turning him to stone AGAIN-
Xalin: -taps Ganon-Rock with a tiny mallet-
Ganondorf: -breaks loose from his stone casing- You can't keep a good villain down!
Batter: Then why haven't we seen you after Wind Waker?
Ganondorf:…shut up! –runs away crying-
Tetra: -gulp-…Fine. –approaches Toon Link- Link…I'm pregnant.
Tetra: I'm not that surprised. –approaches Tink's Granny- Umm…Granny?
Granny: Oh? Yes, Tetra dear, what is it?
Tetra: I…don't know how to say this…but I'm…pregnant…-gets whacked in the face with a cauldron of soup, then has boiling hot water poured all over her body-
Author: Xalin, what the hell! That was a total dick move, man! Why did you do that?
Xalin: Dude, you oughta know by now…I'm a total bastard! –snaps a little girl's neck and steals her balloon, skipping away while whistling a merry tune-
Author: Huh…I should have known that about my own character by now. Oh, and just because my laziness is taking over for a moment, I'm skipping that last dare on accounts of "I DON'T FUCKING FEEL LIKE IT." NEXT DARES!
Let's see what other trouble I can cause.
Midna: Drink as many beers as you possibly can.
Link: Take advantage of her while she's in that state.
Midna: Tear out Link's intestines afterwards and play jump rope with them. Then hang him with them.
Navi: If even one person dies this chapter, then you must be killed an infinite amount of times during this chapter and the next one.
Zant: Become an insane POSTAL WORKER and see how much crazier you become.
Ganondorf: Shave yourself bald.
Ilia: Marry OJ Simpson and see what becomes of that.
Tingle: Sell all your maps to the homeless and see what they think of your prices.
That's all for now. These should be interesting.
Midna: Goddesses, not again! Don't you remember what happened LAST time that happened? (Chapter 4, for those that want to find out. And it continues into the beginning of Chapter 5)
Xalin: Oh yeah, those were fun times. Now then…-shoves a funnel into Midna's mouth and pours bottle after bottle of beer down her throat-
Author: Here it comes…
Batter: What? Here WHAT comes?
Author: You'll see…3, 2, 1…
Midna: Goshness, -hic-…I feel like getting –hic-…getting freaky…-eyes Majora flirtatiously-
Xalin: Great, she's putting out again.
?: DID SOMEBODY SAY "PUT-OUT"?
Author: Oh my fucking God, you guys, here it comes…AGAIN.
Oni: -bursts through the wall AGAIN, sweeps Midna off her feet AGAIN, and flies away to a nearby hotel room AGAIN-
Link: WAIT! I NEED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HER! -chases after them-
Author: I'm pretty sure it would be funnier if Midna did her dare at the beginning of next chapter.
Xalin: You're just kind of ripping off your old ideas now, aren't you?
Author: It was so successful before, why not do it again?
Xalin: That philosophy has ruined a lot of things.
Author: It's also sealed many other things in history and in the hearts and memories of many people.
Navi: -gets sentenced to infinite amounts of death by ZA WARUDO for the rest of this chapter and the next one- (look up ZA WARUDO on Youtube. AWESOMEST FIGHTING GAME COMBO EVER. EVER.)
Dio Brando: -drops a steamroller on Navi- WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Author: AWESOME!...Wait, she has dares...Well, when I don't need her, she will be subject do ZA WARUDO-based doom. Next dare!
Zant: -reads dare- WHEEE! POSTAL WORK BASED INSANITY! –is warped to a post office, where he rapid-fire neck cracks and scares everybody away- I DON'T FEEL DIFFERENT!
Xalin: Why are you yelling?
Zant: WHY AM I NOT YELLING LOUDER?
Batter: For God's sake, SHUT UP! –shoots Zant in the head-
Ganondorf: But I love my hair! I take pride in it!
Zelda: Which will make it all the more fun to do THIS. –razors all of Ganondorf's hair off-
Author: Holy crap, where did you come from? Where have you been?
Zelda: Sleeping. Why? Did I miss anything?
Author:…No…No, you didn't miss a damned thing. –flicks Zelda on the forehead-
Ganondorf: MY HAIR! NOOOOO! –weeps over the loss of his hair-
Xalin: What a girly-man.
Author: Yeah. –gives Ilia her dare-
Ilia: -reads dare- Okay. What's the worst that could happen?
Author: Uhh….….…I'm not saying anything…You just have fun.
-9 YEARS LATER-
Random News Anchor: Reports show that former NFL star running back and convicted felon O.J Simpson has murdered his most recent wife after 9 years of marriage. Ilia and her horse, Epona, were found dead earlier today in O.J's car. When asked why he did it despite nearly a decade of happy marriage, he was quoted saying, "To keep people from thinking I was getting soft." What a jackass.
Author: Indeed. AUTHOR POWERS! –turns back time to the present day, then drop-kicks Tingle into the middle of the slums-
Tingle: Err…Hello, good people of this alleyway! Would you like to have a map?
Hobo #1: Can we eat it?
Tingle: I…think you could...But they'll cost you…
Hobo #1: That's okay, anything fer food. How much? 30 cents? 35?
Tingle: How does…398 Rupees sound?
All hobos: -gang up on Tingle, kill him, and cannibalize his body-
Batter: Sick. NEXT DARES!...I'm only saying it because Author is trying to reattach his fingers. They've been falling off from all this writing!
Author: Dammit, glue gun, don't act up on me now!
Batter: Yeeeaaahh…Next dares…
here are some dares of mine:
xalin: run around in speedos smoking pot
Midna: juggle all the link's swords without killing yourself
navi: give tingle a hug
ganon: make out with link, midna, and malon at the same time
sorry if these are lame, i'm not very good with pranks/dares!
Xalin: Woo! Time to go CRAZY! –rips off his cloak, grabs a massive joint of pot, and smokes it while running on the ceiling-
Dark: How is he DOING that?
Batter: Who knows?
Author: Midna isn't here, so…time to spin the WHEEL OF VICTIMIZATION! –brings out a giant game show wheel with pictures of cast members on it- Dark, since the victim will be juggling Link's swords, and you're a near exact clone of Link, you will spin the wheel!
Dark: Alright! –spins the wheel, which lands on Batter's face-
Author: You've gotta do it, Batter!
Batter: Fine…Anything that doesn't involve me getting eaten. –starts juggling the Kokiri sword, then the Master Sword, then the Hero's Sword, then the other 5 Master Swords, then the Biggoron sword-
Xalin: -sneaks up behind Batter and starts tickling his back with a feather-
Batter: Wh…Wahahahaaa! WAAAAGGH! –gets skewered by multiple swords at the same time-
Author: Haha! Awesome! –lets loose multiple stray dogs who all eat Batter, then revives him-
Navi: -reads dare- Alright, fine. –gives Tingle a hug-
Malon: Isn't that sweet? Just think back to Chapter 2, where they had to battle each other to the death. Now they're bestest fwiends forever!
Author: You're right, that is nice. –squashes Navi and Tingle with a wrecking ball- Now, this time, I want Link to be here, so, I'm bringing out my cloning machine! -uses a piece of Link's hair supplied by Navi to create an exact copy of Link- And, again, Midna is not here, so we will, once again, spin the WHEEL OF VICTIMIZATION! –brings the wheel back out- Ganondorf, you spin it since it's your dare.
Ganondorf: Okay! Let's do it! –spins the wheel which lands on Nabooru's face- HAHA! YEEEESSSS!
Author: Oh, what fun! Ganondorf gets to make out with Link!
Ganondorf: Yeah, I…wait, WHAT? What about Nabooru and Malon?
Author: Oh, they're going to make out in a separate room while everybody goes to watch. You two will make out in here. –everybody shuffles into another room with video cameras in tow-
Ganondorf: Screw that, I'm not making out with you! I'm going to fucking kill you for all those times you stabbed me in the fucking face!
Link: Yeah, and I'll do it again, bitch! –charges at Ganondorf-
???: -crashes through a skylight and incapacitates them both with a taser-
-45 MINUTES LATER-
Xalin: Damn, that was awesome! Man, when Dark Link joined in, you just KNEW things were gonna get crazy!
Author: Hell yeah, man! –notices that Ganondorf and Link are on the ground and that some guy is next to them- Oh, hey Paul. They didn't do the dare, did they?
Paul: Nope. Had to put them down with my taser. Also, I lopped one of the skirt-wearing one's ears off. –holds up one of Link's ears-
Author: Cool, that's a pretty sweet memento. Everyone, this is my mercenary friend, Paul. He also controls several gang territories, is a drug trafficker, is the leader of 3 biker gangs, and is an underworld ping-pong champion.
Xalin: So that movie Balls of Fury was based off of true events?
Paul: Yep. Too bad about Fang, too, he was a cool guy. Good friend of mine. But I only really respected his ping-pong skills, so I'm happy for that new guy, Randy Whatshisname.
Author: Too much information, Paul. Didn't really care. –launches him through the skylight with a trebuchet- And before you ask, no we aren't seeing Paul on a regular basis. We'll only see him if I need a mercenary. NEXT DARES! (A/N: By that, of course, I mean "never again". Funny how that works.)
Link: Solve a Rubix Cube. NOW!
Zelda: Show all 4 of your identities to us! Then get mobbed by the Police for having 4! (Zelda, Shiek, Tetra, Robed.)
Vaati: ...*points to Minish Cap and Gameboy Advanced* Play MC and see what Link had to go through.
Tingle: Rape the White, Pink, and Blue Tingles.
Saria: Sell your ocarina. Yes. You heard me. Sell it. *winks at author*
Author: Kill Xalin (or what's his name) for one chapter.
Navi: Fight to the death with Ganny.
Ganny: ...Why are you so evil?
Malon & Ilia: Kill Epona. NOW.
Midna: Where did you learn to levitate? TELL ME!
That's all for now.
Link: -is presented a rubix cube- But I hate these things!
Author: DO IT, DAMMIT! –points a pistol at Link's head-
Link: Waah! –cries for a bit-
Author: Bah! You sicken me. –blows Link's brains out, then revives him-
Zelda: Wait…Tetra's right here! –points to Tetra-
Xalin: Just turn into Sheik and put on a freaking cloak!
Zelda: Ugh, fine…-turns into Sheik-
Author: Bad memories…of Sheik gender debates…-cries a bit-
Zelda: -turns back into Zelda, then puts on a hooded cloak-
Xalin: Good enough. Next dare!
Vaati: -plays through and beats LoZ:MC- Wow…I was that easy? Damn, I need to work on my battle strategies. At least hypnotize Link or something.
Tingle: But…those are my brothers! I cannot harm them!
Author: I'm just skipping that dare, it would be TOO creepy if I wrote anything about it.
Zelda: And that's saying something. You created a hellish spawn of Navi and Tingle put together who very nearly killed us all and would have destroyed the earth otherwise…
Dark:…you've had many bonfires in which the firewood was replaced by fangirls drenched in gasoline and lighter fluid…
Xalin:…you had me fight to the death against fucking ELMO, you being at laser tag forced me to eat Tingle's back…-gags and shudders-
Vaati:…you had me fight to the death against Michael-Fucking-Jackson…
Ganondorf:...you produced copies en masse of Oni and Midna doing it and distributed them all over the world, you gave me a waffle army and the pleasure of dominating the world with it, only to eat my good men and take it all away the moment we were done…
Batter:…you've had me eaten too many times to count…
Link:…and you've done so many other screwed up things that we don't even have the time or motivation to name them all.
Author: Wow…I feel so accomplished. Thank you for that, I needed that. I feel awesome now…where were we? Oh yeah, Saria.
Saria: -reads her dare- But…I don't have my ocarina anymore. I gave it to Link before he left.
Author: Dammit, FACTS! You've struck my merry-making yet again! –kicks a trashcan that a hobo was sleeping in off a cliff- -reads dare-…SWEET! –stabs Xalin in the throat with a butter-knife, rips his jugular out, and shoves it into his mouth-
Navi: -reads dare- Oh alright, I'll fight him.
Ganondorf: -sneaks up behind her and bashes her with the hilt of his sword, then stabs her when she is down-
Batter: That was fast…like YOUR MOM! IN BED!
Xalin: OH! SNAP! SNAP!
Author: Total idiots.
Batter: Dude, you created us. You would have shouted it out before I even thought of it.
Author:…dammit, you're right. –revives Ganondorf-
Ganondorf: -reads the question- Why am I evil?...wait…I'm evil?
Link: Of course you're evil, jackass! You've sent out thousands of minions and henchmen to kill me and attempted to slaughter me and my incarnations plenty of times, you've always kidnapped Zelda, and you've generally just acted like an overall bastard for your own profit! OF COURSE YOU'RE EVIL!
Ganondorf: Well, you didn't have to be so mean about it! MEANY-PANTS! –runs off crying like a little girl-
Malon: I've got the shotgun.
Ilia: I've called the glue company. They'll be here to pick Epona's corpse up in a few minutes.
Malon: -kills Epona-
Zelda: Wow, completely emotionless. Kinda weird. –the clouds part to reveal a beam of sunlight shining down right on Zelda-
Real Author (a.k.a God/me): -in a booming omnipotent voice coming from the sky- Yeah? Well, I didn't have time to give them any emotions, now quit complaining before I tear you a new one with fuck-mothering awesome mind-bullets.
Zelda: -cowering in fear- Y…Yes, sir…
Author: Thanks, Uncle Eddie!
Uncle [CENSOREDBLAHBLAHBLAH]: No problem, kid. –beam of light disappears-
Author: Midna's not here…so…we're finally fucking done! YES! -kills the Link clone-
A/N: Whew! I almost started running out of steam near the end, but I felt that it came out really well.
First off, even though I had that trip down memory lane, you don't have to be worried about this fic ending anytime soon. That was just a spur-of-the-moment thing.
I really expected more people to get last chapter's lyric game. It was American Pie by Don McLean. Here's this chapter's game.
Someone told me long ago There's a calm before the storm,
I know; It's been comin' for some time.
When it's over, so they say, It'll rain a sunny day,
I know; Shinin' down like water.
Wow, this chapter was a walk down memory lane. I hope you've all enjoyed this chapter and all 14 chapters before it! READ AND REVIEW! –pelvic thrust for no reason-
Oh, and before I forget, paste this onto the end of a youtube link: /watch?v=qkJdEFf_Qg4
It'll be worth it, trust me. I haven't stopped laughing since I've seen it, and my parents are starting to give me strange looks. XD READ AND REVIEW! -more pelvic thrust for no reason-
|Tue Jun 08, 2010 7:08 pm
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